“Pretty Little Liars” mini-cap (1.03): Alison was like, “Emily, I can’t invite you. I think you’re a lesbian.”

 
 

OK, and let’s do it like this:

Hanna wakes up to find Detective Snape rummaging around in her kitchen, half-naked and talking about waffles like the love child of Rufus Humphrey and Zeus, and Hanna is appropriately grossed out. Her mom “whispers” that until Det. Snape drops the shoplifting charges she’s just going to have to keep shagging him. Det. Snape overhears, of course, and he twirls his mustache and cackles to himself and breaks about six gazillion codes of police conduct and actual laws just by being there.

At school, Hanna’s boyfriend, Ken Doll, kisses her and says they’re going the GG route of having a big fourth act party. Mona asks Hanna if she’s tapped that yet, and Hanna says it’s not a race, and Mona is like, “OK, but if you’re not hitting it, he’s not into you or he’s gay.” (Someone should tell Quileute Wolf Ben and save Emily the trouble!) Also, at school, Det. Snape questions Hanna about how she’s the new Alison: “You think you’re going to have a party and not invite her? Who do you think you are, Hanna? She like invented you, you know what I mean?”

Hanna remembers that she was Cady Heron and Alison was Regina George. That she was Tai and Alison was Cher. That she was Jacob Black and Alison was Edward Cullen. Ken Doll wanted to befriend her and boink Alison, and just as she’s about to shout that Alison was just a dumb virgin who couldn’t drive, Det. Snape goes, “Your ninth grade yearbook photo is stupid and you are fat.” And Alison is all, “Your whole FACE is stupid and fat!” And then she bounces out into the hall where the other PLLs are — I’m serious — writing on her Facebook wall, like: “What did Det. Snape want? Does he know we were drunk the night Alison died and that we threw a bomb at Jenna?”

And as faithful as Big Ben Twitter, Jenna comes walking down the hall with her brother, Toby Cavanaugh, who is home from reform school (I never get tired of hearing people say “reform school”), and guess what? He’s the only other person who knows what happened the night Alison blew up Jenna’s eyeballs.

At the party, Hanna tries to get Ken Doll’s attention, but he is really into foosball. She finally drags him away to the Shrieking Shack so they can make some monkey, but he balks because she “seems desperate.” Which: I am so sure, teenage boy. Hanna’s awesome response is to steal his car! You cheat on Carrie Underwood, she carves her name into your leather seats. You won’t have sex with Hanna, she drives your car into a tree.

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