“Pretty Little Liars” recap (5.02): Fiddler on the Roof

Aria spends most of the day losing her goddamn mind. She has all these flashbacks about how awesome Shana was and keeps on seeing herself smash Shana in the face with a rifle. That song Shana played on her fiddle that night Ezra(?) smashed up Connor’s(?) car outside of Rear Window Brew keeps shuffling onto Aria’s iPod, and then she just keeps on hearing it in her brain even when she’s not wearing headphones. In between her psychotic breaks, she calls the hospital a hundred times to check on Mr. Fitz, but she can’t get any information about him because she is a student in his literature class and it is none of her business.

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As if that wasn’t enough to get her two giant steps forward toward Radley, she is also confronted with the knowledge that Mike and Mona are back to hooking up. When she finds them cozied up in the living room, her eyes get moon-sized and she hair starts crackling and she demands to know what the actual heck Mona knows. Mona smiles, says, “What I know, just from my hyperreal explorations of the last 24 hours, will be more than you know in a lifetime. However, you shouldn’t let that keep you from accepting my gift of this rape whistle. It doubles as a bird call, in the off-chance you are buried alive and need the assistance of any oracles or anything.” Mona is dressed like Spencer in ninth grade. It’s perfect. She’s perfect.

Aria finally finds a smidgen of comfort in the warm embrace and gentle voice of seasoned killer, Emily Fields, who explains that sometimes you’ve got to make a split second choice between bashing a person’s brains in or allowing an unhinged stalker of lesbians to kill you and the people you love most. Aria goes, “That’s … exactly what I did, actually. How do you understand?” Emily says, “Because Cousin Nate.” Aria says, “Who?” Emily smiles, hugs her, remembers she only started being on the same show as her just a couple of episodes ago. She’s probably still going to go to the police and confess everything, but not until the moment when it will cause the maximum amount of damage for everyone, so for now she dials it down and practices her mind-calming kung fu exercises that good ol’ bloodyfoot Jake taught to her.


While Spencer is trying to sex Toby into a deep sleep so she can take some scissors to his hair like her Nana paid her to do to her dad’s sideburns that one time, Hanna and Emily take it upon themselves to tail Jason, who has donned a hexed beanie that makes his face get creepy as shit. For one thing, he’s real mad that Mr. DiLaurentis asks Ashley to hack into Jessica’s email to discover her whereabouts. (Most important finding: an email to “undisclosed recipient” talking about “I can’t protect you anymore.”) For another thing, he’s real mad that Spencer and Emily went digging through his trash. For a third thing, he’s real mad that his dad suddenly exists. And finally, he feels like Alison owning a dog is a very bad idea and that pisses him off also.

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