“Pretty Little Liars” recap (5.02): Fiddler on the Roof

 
 

Veronica Hastings is saddled with the task of confronting Spencer about hiding Ali’s resurrection and also with explaining to us where all the adults have got off to. It never stops delighting me the way the writers explain Out of Town, like we’re even worried about it. Peter and Melissa have gone to get Spencer’s impounded car. Bryon is “downstairs.” Pam Fields is actually in Rosewood, although she was supposed to be gone, but her flight to Out of Town got cancelled and so Emily can just stay with the Hastingses like planned, if she’ll just call and check in. I mean. We believe Alison was pulled from her grave by a witch who was tipped off by a parrot. We believe Alison flies airplanes around and rescues people from burning buildings. We believe in working ski lifts on flat land in the middle of autumn and dolls hijacking cars and eyeball transplants and texting with thick leather gloves on. We believe all that without question, but the writers still explain the intricate details of every parents’ whereabouts every week, just so we don’t get weird and start asking questions. It’s sweet.

ANYWAY. Veronica’s main thing, just like Ashley Marin’s main thing and Pam Fields’ main thing and Mike Montgomery’s main thing is, “Why are y’all acting so lackadaisical about this whole thing?”

SHAY MITCHELL, TROIAN BELLISARIO

Obviously, Spencer is anything but lackadaisical and immediately drags Emily out to do some midnight recon on Jason, who is detailing his car in the dark and throwing away shopping sacks from New York and acting generally squirrely. Spence clomps around in the yard hollering about how they’re back on Alison’s “Whirly Girly Ride” while Emily tries to remember if that’s some kind of lesbian sex euphemism. Every attack Spencer hurls into night the night air about Ali, Emily bats down with a protective fury Paige McCullers would have chopped off her own arm to receive from her girlfriend.

Spencer frog marches Emily over to Ali’s window and she’s like, “Sorry, I lied; I did it to protect Aria. Also, here is my phone wrapped in toilet paper. You will notice the threatening text from someone who knows we were in New York, making my felonious fabrication ineffective.” Ali shuts her window and backs away into the shadows and Spencer’s whole body is vibrating with rage. Like, no shit, your lie was ineffective! Your lies always put is in more danger! No one locks it in their pocket anymore, Ali! No one takes it to the grave!

Emily just keeps staring up at the window thinking about how pretty Ali’s hair is.

Also, it was nice of her parents to keep her on the family plan even though she was dead. Not so nice: Ali’s dad tucks Ali into bed, all, “I missed you when you were kidnapped and tied up and blindfolded in some psycho’s basement these last two years. By the way, your alcoholic mother and I are getting a divorce, sweet dreams!” Alison takes comfort in her sinister dolls and drops into an uneasy sleep that is, of course, interrupted by Jason creeping in to stare at her. (Remember when Jason took all those telescopic photos of like the inside of Aria’s ears and whatever? Remember when he was like, “I loved when your hair was pink and your body was more childlike.”)

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Spencer gets it in her head that Jason is some kind of serial killer and must be stopped at all costs — until Veronica Hastings produces Toby Cavanaugh, straight from Haircut: SVU and Spencer decides to spend the rest of the episode boning him. A couple of seasons ago, I’d have been like, “Don’t ditch your friends in peril for naked times with your boyfriend, jerk” but now I know you gotta hit it while you can when you live in Rosewood. Your murder is inevitable and there’s at least a 40 percent chance your body is going to end up in the mass grave in the DiLaurentis’ backyard. One thing Spencer does find out, in a post-coital chat about her sister, which is obviously her most predictable post-coital jam, is that Toby never even saw Melissa in London, like she claimed. She ditched Wren and came on home without provocation from him.

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