“Pretty Little Liars” recap (4.20): The Chamber of Secrets has been opened!

Ezra goes to the Rear Window Brew to enjoy a delicious cup of coffee and write in his diary about how rewarding it is to have finally destroyed Spencer Hastings. Emily serves him and drops a whole crate of dishes on the ground, all, “Mercy, what a klutz I am! Oh, but my phone is ringing!” On the other end of the phone are Hanna and Spencer, watching her through some binoculars and telling her what to say to lure Mr. Fitz to the zoo. Say you’re delivering a coffee satchel full of cash to the reptile house at 7pm. Say it’s for Ali. Say you can’t say what you’re saying. Say, Spencer, do you think me and Emily will have time to visit the sea otter exhibit? And maybe the giraffes? And can we share a cotton candy, do you think? No, Emily, don’t say that.


Ezra’s attention is fully piqued.

While Spencer tries very hard to not be addicted to drugs, before giving in and calling in her own prescription to the doctor’s office and to Academic Andrew’s Black Market Pharmacy, Aria tries very hard not to give in to getting herself killed, before driving her ass up to Ezra’s cabin to snoop around. He has installed a new password-protected security system and after she tries the last name of every prestigious author in the world, she tries Ezra’s own name, and then B-26. Which is correct. Which is fantastic.

You remember that poem he wrote for her, don’t you, called B26? He gave it to her in that glamping episode I was talking about earlier and it refers to the song that was playing on the jukebox the first time they met and also says, I swear to god, “It’s a number / It’s a song / It’s a / girl / Smooth / Pearl joy packed / Gold falafel.” Gold falafel! Chickpeas, you sneaky bastards!


Aria digs around in Ezra’s cabin for a while, comes up with nothing, even down in his lair, which he has apparently emptied of corpses, surveillance equipment, and canned legumes. But she doesn’t give up because she’s got a sneaking suspicion Spencer is correct and she wants to be on this show with her friends now. Her perseverance is rewarded when she opens up a copy of a book called “Carnivore’s Secrets” and finds a manuscript Ezra has been writing about Ali. He even voiceovers it: “The first thing Alison ever told me about herself was a lie. Lying was her oxygen. She could do it while she was laughing. She could even do it when she was kissing you.

If that don’t give you some fucking heebijeebies in your soul, I don’t even know.

Ezra gets an alert on his phone that someone has broken into his cabin again, so he goes zooming up there and when Aria hears him pull up, she hurls herself out of a window and runs through the woods praying to sweet Vanderjesus above that Emily will show up like she did for Paige that time and Cousin Nate her boyfriend right in the gut. It’s actually terrifying. She’s hiding and shivering and trying not to cry out while he shouts like a hide and seek game about, “Come out, come out, wherever you are!” He calls her and she panics to put her phone on silent and the whole time this is happening, ABC Family is taking a Twitter poll about whether or not they are True Love.


OK, but that’s not even the best part. The best part is Aria runs so far and so fast that she happens upon a ski lodge and a ski lift which she jumps into for reasons I will literally never understand, and once she is up up up in the air, she realizes Ezra is buckled into the seat beside her. Hahaha. What in God’s name. This show is everything to me. Everything.

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