“Pretty Little Liars” recap (4.20): The Chamber of Secrets has been opened!

 
 

In the courtyard, Hanna is eyeballing Emily’s string cheese and Emily is slapping her hand away because she’s hungry and Hanna is like, “But, look at my face!” And Emily is like, “Oh, fine. Take it.” Aria sneaks up and drops this bomb onto Hanna and Emily: “So, like, Spencer is an addict. Two years ago, right around the time Alison went missing because of being murdered by this whole town simultaneously, Spencer was so drugged up that she was blacking out and having violent outbursts during fits of sleepwalking.” Hanna and Emily’s faces. How many interventions can they be expected to participate in at once.

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This next scene is, I think, the best written/acted/directed/edited scene of the entire series. Spencer shows up at what she thinks is an intervention for Aria, but is actually an intervention for her. They tell her they know she’s got a pill problem, and all the ways she tries to explain that the real problem is Ezra and his love of sleeping with/axe-murdering little children, the more she sounds like a person with a pill problem. She realizes what is happening (that this isn’t about them saving Aria, but about them saving her) right at the time she realizes what is happening (that Ezra moved first and, in doing so, proved that he’s A by making her seem like she’s bonaners the more she accuses him of being A). She is positively unhinged with frustration and indignation and, frankly, a little bit of respect at his sinister brilliance.

The Liars are like, “Sweetheart, you need a time out.” And she’s like, “The last thing I need is a fucking time out.” And they’re like, “That’s exactly the kind of thing a person says when they for sure need a time out.” It is so amazing and so sad.

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Mona is on a date with a sad-face Mike Montgomery, who very much wants her to say that she l-0-v-e-s him. But she doesn’t love him. She loves Hanna. She loves herself. She loves the chaos of a city-sized chess game played with human pieces. Ezra shows up to ask for a favor and she tells him to scram, but politely; you get the feeling even Mona is scared of him, which is more than enough proof at this point for me to call him a monster.

Back at Spencer’s, Hanna and Emily are just chomping on some pizza, marveling at how tits up their friends’ lives are, when Spencer comes downstairs and thrusts a little pouch of pills at them, all, “OK, fine, I am addicted to hyperreality, but the truth of that doesn’t negate the truth of Ezra being a frikkin psychopath, so do you want to hear my plan about entrapping him at the zoo or not?” Zoo? Zoo?  There is a zoo? I don’t know how that place has not yet come into play, but gods yes, we want to hear your zoo plan, Hastings. The plan is: Ali needs the money from the sack of coffee, so they’ll set up Ezra by making him think they’re delivering the coffee-money to this marvelous new zoo and when he show up, she’ll go into rehab and they’ll know she’s an addict but one who always comes correct. Hanna and Emily are so in. The zoo. What could possibly go wrong there that couldn’t go wrong at a barn in the night? (Spoiler alert: It’s snakes.)

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Veronica Hastings is back from Out of Town lookin’ supafly in her tennis gear. She wants Spencer to join her down at the club where Spencer once dirty danced with a cook/tennis instructor who dumped her when he realized she wanted him to go to tennis camp. The nerve. Spencer blows off Veronica by name-checking Toby and then blows off Toby by name-checking Veronica and then puts a blonde wig in her purse and heads on down to the zoo.

Aria runs her tattling tail over to Ezra’s apartment to talk about how her intervention with Spencer was a bust, and he’s like, “But how much of a bust? Did she drum up any cuckoo accusations about anyone in particular to prove that she is need to be institutionalized?” Aria almost says yes, but then checks herself because Ezra has got that eerie glow around him like the night he asked her to drive two hours for a can of chickpeas. She says, “Spencer was just acting generically nuts, but I want to leave it at that.” He pushes and pushes about how he’s going to have to intervene and talk to the Hastings’ and the school and maybe even intercept that UPenn application Cece Drake sent in on Spencer’s behalf from the mailbox at Noel Kahn’s murder cabin. He says you can’t really be too cautious when you’re talking about a girl who ended up at Radley because she one time saw her boyfriend’s commemorative “no more incest” tattoo on a dead body in the woods. I mean, she didn’t even check to see if it was his face under that motorcycle helmet!

Aria goes, “Yeah, when you put it like … hang on. How did you know that very specific thing I absolutely never told you?”

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