Quick, guess which of these news items is real?
A. The Monopoly board game is being made into a movie, with Scarlett Johansson and Kirsten Dunst being considered for lead roles.
B. Katherine Heigl is launching her own line of hospital scrubs.
C. Dane Cook and Jessica Alba think they’re the John and Yoko of this generation.
D. None of the above
E. All of the above (A-C)
What sounds promising? Clearly it can’t be A, because who wants to watch a movie about a game where your brother cheats and the banker can’t add and eventually everyone gets bored and gives up? And there is no way it could be B; scrubs are so unflattering. Plus, don‘t get me started on C — that’s just flat out wrong. So, it has to be D, right? D?
Would that I were that creative. Sadly, the answer is E: They’re all true news items. Let’s pick apart the insanity together, shall we?
The Monopoly Movie
Wow, that is some crazy, crazy talk. I’m still not sure if news.com.au is a reliable source (they credited the story to the Sunday Times, but after searching the paper’s archives, I could find no reference to the Monopoly movie). But if (big if) it’s true, I can’t imagine what the plot would be. And Ridley Scott (Gladiator, Thelma & Louise, Alien) will direct? No, now I’m convinced it’s a hoax. Other board-game based movies (uh, isn’t Clue the only one?) worked because the game itself was a mystery with its own story line. But Monopoly is just about buying imaginary property with imaginary money and by chance winning $10 in a beauty contest. OK, wait, now I see where ScarJo and Kiki fit in.
Scrubs by Katherine Heigl
Coming this fall, the Katherine Heigl Collection is supposed to bring “a new level of style and sophistication to medical professionals who value looking good as much as they value their life’s work.” Because all the talented men and women trying to save your life after the 16-car pileup on the interstate really just care about looking good while soaked in your blood. This gets my vote for one of the oddest celebrity fashion lines ever.
Dane and Jessica Pull a John and Yoko
The more I see posters for this movie, the more I want to rip my eyes own and hand them to the nearest passerby for safe keeping. Now Dane Cook and Jessica Alba’s inane comedy is ripping off John and Yoko. Is Yoko abandoning her peace pledge and calling for Cook’s head on a platter? Is Annie Leibovitz smashing her camera equipment in protest to the movie marketer’s sheer audacity? Is nothing sacred? For those who don’t know, the iconic shot of a naked John Lennon spooning a clothed Yoko Ono was taken by Leibovitz only hours before Lennon was shot and killed outside of his apartment building by deranged fan Mark David Chapman. It was used as the cover of a commemorative Rolling Stone after his death. So many things are wrong with the poster parody — chief among them the presence of Dane Cook. God, could that guy be more smug?