Place your bets for next week’s “Gossip Girl” threesome

There’s a ménage à trois going down on next week’s Gossip Girl, and it involves three of these people:

(Do you have any idea how hard it was to keep the van der Humphs from colliding on that chart?)

The CW has been hyping the threesome (Sweeps-some?) for weeks now, leaking bogus spoilers to counter the actual spoilers. Every entertainment site is predicting potential groupings, but there’s no site more dedicated to girls kissing than us, so you know we’ve got to weigh in.

Step One: Process of elimination.

If we take out the characters who have been written off to Belarus (or similar), here’s what what we’re left with:

If we then take out the characters who are involved in Jenny’s cotillion storyline, here’s what we’ve got:

Now, we’ll get rid of any women in committed relationships with Vanya the doorman, and we’re down to six:

Step Two: Toss out any groupings that involve the van der Humph kids shagging one another, or Blair touching her lips to any body part of any person from Brooklyn.

Step Three: Predict the odds of the remaining couples.

Grouping: Chuck/Blair/Serena
Why it’s possible:
Blair and Serena are so obviously in love that it’s almost comical at this point. Blair could play the "keep my sex life spicy" card and Serena could play the "been there done that with Georgina card." That way, they could pretend the threesome is something other than what it actually is (a chance for them to finally just do it). Chuck could play the "I’m Chuck Bass" card, because he loves both of them enough to pretend to be smarmy about it. Besides, in 15 years, this will be their standard Friday night. (I know Serena and Chuck are technically related by marriage/adoption now, but it’s not like they share a long-lost brother from Boston or anything.)
Odds of threesome:
1:150

Grouping: Chuck/Blair/Olivia
Why it’s possible:
Blair still thinks she’s angry at Serena because Serena shoved her face in Trip van der Bilt’s Congress Cake (when, in fact, she’s angry at Serena because she feels like she’s losing her), so this is Blair’s chance to sleep with a legitimately famousblonde and rub it in S’s face. Chuck’s on board because he wants to make Blair happy. And Olivia? Well, maybe she’s had enough of Bathroom Boy.
Odds of threesome:
1:250

Grouping: Serena/Vanessa/Olivia
Why it’s possible:
This is probably the least likely grouping because if Serena and Blair are courageous/drunk enough to entangle Olivia in their game of repressive love, they’re courageous/drunk enough to go back to Blair’s place and finally give in to it.
Odds of threesome:
1:1,000

Grouping: Vanessa/Chuck/Dan
Why it’s possible:
Chuck slept with Vanessa (twice) last year, and he obviously boned Dan the night Dan wrote that Charlie Trout story in prison. Maybe people from Brooklyn make love like an ugly girl. (So present, so grateful.) And maybe Chuck’s had it with Blair being a pillow queen. And maybe Dan and Vanessa are stoned out of their minds? Yeah, there’s no way this grouping is going to happen.
Odds of threesome:
1:1,000,000

Grouping: Vanessa/Dan/Olivia
Why it’s possible:
If Vanessa isn’t bisexual, I’m Kermit the Frog. And she’s always been weirdly obsessed with Dan. Olivia is just looking to have a "normal college experience" and she’s so clueless that anyone could convince her a threesome is normal. Dan, of course, believes in the "One set of boobs, good. Two sets of boobs, better!" theory oflovin’. Plus, the three of them are overly-fond of rooftop ragers and they’re already playing happy family in Olivia and Vanessa’s dorm room.
Odds of threesome:
1:10

Place your bets for the threesome Sweeps-some in the comments!

Tags: ,