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Lesbian Art History 101

Now don’t take this the wrong way, but I feel like you could know more. Not a lot more, just a little bit more. A smidgen. A speck. Art history is endlessly rewarding and rife with lesbianism both intentional and not. Enjoy the culture and many, many naked ladies embracing in friendship and symbolism, inspired by The Toast’s Mallory Ortberg and her series on Western Art History.

we are just two gal pals

enjoying a nappy nap

bestest buds

grasping snatches

in eternal friendship

  lean back

lean back

lean back

 

Vanity, Modesty, and Death by Stradanus, Johannes.

Sup modesty

why would you assume I’m modesty

well-

what the actual fuck do I have to be modest about

no reason to get mad I was just

have you seen my velvety thighs and high forehead

yes

would MODESTY have tits like these

ok fine SUP VANITY

that’s better

great

who are you?

I’m death

pardon?

Death.

and you’re looking real good.

………..

I think I have to have you.

look babe

no hands

  is that a horn of plenty

maybe

where did you get it

the baby

what baby

the flying baby

there’s a lot of flying babies up in here

true

can I have your horn of plenty

no

oh

but you can have my heaving bosom

ohhhhhhhh

   

I’ve had about enough of this shit, Gabby

You’ve been holding my nipple for seven hours

No goblet of mead

No jester

Nothing

Just your stupid hand holding my numb nipple

and this mannerist turd

this isn’t a chateau it’s a shack

and I saw more hospitality during the sack of Rome  

je t’aime

moi aussi

whose that midget in the corner chugging cognac from a cane

that’s Toulouse-Lautrec

does he have to be here

well, he’s very good

I suppose but-

don’t you want our forbidden love to be eternally commemorated on canvas by a drug addled french dwarf whose views on female homosexuality and sex workers are unusually progressive

hadn’t given it much thought

well, maybe you should

  oh shit look who just walked in

who

your ex

no

with that trick she’s dating

which one

the makeup artist

ughhhhhhhhh

I know

I need another drink

 

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