As you probably already heard, everyone’s favorite faux lesbian Justin Bieber got a haircut the other day. You were no doubt tipped off to this fact by mass fainting and high-pitched shrieking amongst the 13-and-under demographic the world over.
But you may have also heard a few lesbian shrieks in the mix. Because when the pocket-sized pop idol switched his signature swoopy mop to a mussed shorter crop, many a gay lady looked in the mirror in horror and said, “Dammit, now I really am a lesbian who looks like Justin Bieber.”
Indeed, the teen idol seems to have swapped one style from The Big Book of Lesbian Haircuts for another. Though instead of taking this as an affront to lesbian kind, perhaps we should welcome his new look. The Bieb’s continued alternative hairstyle choices are really a repudiation of the conventional wisdom about lesbian style. Perhaps lesbian hair can finally rise above its continual punchline status. In fact, one could argue that that the 16-year-old tweenthrob has embraced the lesbian hairstyle lifestyle more than many both real and fictional TV lesbians.
One might even be so inclined to rate fictional and factional TV lesbian/bisexual women’s hair on a matrix of Bieberness from 1 to 10, where 10 would be total Bieber, 1 would be Selena Gomez. And when I say “might,” I mean we’re totally about to do this because that boy has some seriously gay hair.
Callie Torres (Grey’s Anatomy)
Bieber Rating: 5. If she is going to embrace the whole pregnant lesbian stereotype she should just go all out and get the hair, too.
Bieber Rating: 6. That is solely for the amount of shrieking and fainting her presence causes in real lesbians.
Emily Fields (Pretty Little Liars)
Bieber Rating: 1. That hair is so femme it trolls Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber to find butch dates.
Diana Barrigan (White Collar)
Bieber Rating: 4. Still, she’s got more swagger in her little finger than the Biebs has in his whole body.
Kalinda Sharma (The Good Wife)
Bieber Rating: 0 Beibers or Selenas. Kalinda would take a baseball bat to your car before she let you call her either.
Kirsten Vangsness (Criminal Minds)
Bieber Rating: 2. Though if there were a vintage hipster punk awesomeness matrix, Kirsten would score a 100.
Jasika Nicole (Fringe)
Bieber Rating: 3. God, what I wouldn’t give for that kid to show up with a tight little afro next.
Jane Lynch (Glee)
Bieber Rating: 7. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen him wear a track suit before, too.
Rachel Maddow (The Rachel Maddow Show)
Bieber Rating: 8. She is the Justin Bieber of the totally nerdy, political junkie, cocktail connoisseur set.
Ellen DeGeneres (The Ellen DeGeneres Show)
Bieber Rating: 10. Seriously, Ellen, I’d consider legal action.
So, there you have it, a comprehensive rating of the Bieberness of lesbian hair. So admit it, where does your hair fall on the matrix? And remember, this is for science, so be honest.