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Great LezBritain: The lesbian housemates of “Big Brother UK”

“Great LezBritian” is a fortnightly stroll through the very best of British lesbo-centric entertainment and culture. Plus there will be some jolly good interviews with the top ladies who are waving the flag for gay UK.

Back in 2000, a Dublin based office manager called Anna Nolan decided to live in a claustrophobic, MDF house in North London with nine potential madmen while being continuously filmed by hundreds of hidden cameras for the Great British public to observe, judge and bask in.

And thus Channel 4’s very first Big Brother emerged and with it Anna became the UK’s first reality television lesbian. Despite initial lacklustre ratings and confused bemusement at a concept of psychological naturalistic observation being crossed over into light entertainment, within weeks the show’s popularity reverberated through the nation and television has never been the same since.

The intellectual commentators of British society will proudly announce ignorance or adversary to its happenings, but this, we think is to deny oneself a right good laugh. Granted it is a sadistic, humiliating, un-winnable game that Big Brother plays and the people that want to be on it are selling their souls to the tabloid media and an unforgiving public.

Taking all this into consideration, we would like to think that we were better people than to watch this vulgar show, but the truth is we are not. Once you admit that to yourself, it is easier to simply indulge unashamedly in its wielding power, invest in the fun of voyeurism, pick a favourite and settle down for the summer. Don’t judge us, we’re still regular Radio 4 listeners.

Most people would probably agree that in year one the housemates’ ignorance as to whether anyone was actually watching them whilst they undertook such exhilarating acts as washing their pants in a sink was quite magical. As they had no pre-conception that once evicted they could be involved in tabloid story-selling brawls and be photographed with celebrity Z-listers trying to get a piece, they conducted themselves without any attempts to seduce would-be voters with morning lipstick and flamboyant antics.

When a housemate steps through the pearly white gates of Big Brotherhood they become emblems for a particular faction of society that we can all lazily define them by — the gay one, the Asian one, the amputee, the mentally unhinged, the genius (there’s never been a genius). Many of these people are not types that viewers are commonly acquainted with in their everyday lives, so they hold the power to either change or reinforce a perception.

So back in the dark days before we had civil partnerships and basic civil rights, lesbians across the country watched in collective pride and rabid-joy as Anna Nolan single-handedly dispelled the negative subtexts of the lesbian stereotype with her lack of anger issues, understated attractiveness, fashionable footwear and a wit as quick as her guitar playing fingers. There had never been such a good representation of lesbianism on British television — and the fact that she was not a fictitious characterisation and nothing but herself, was even more culturally significant.

Unfortunately, Anna’s brilliance was not infectious and despite the fact that Big Brother has remained a show that gives visibility to minority groups, there has never been another gay lady on the show that we would have broken out a flag for.

To be fair, you could say that after season one, the types of people auditioning for it meant that few groups would be particularly happy with their representation. Witches were probably not happy with Mary in BB6 and I’d imagine Mario, the screamer did gay men no favours in BB5.

Fast forward eleven years and Channel 4 has just aired the first week of what will be the final outing of Big Brother. We’ve just been introduced to the final 14 housemates that we’ll spend the summer befriending, then verbally abusing (albeit in the confines of our own home).

In the final ever series of this George Orwell-inspired programme we have two representatives in bi-sexual Corin and lesbian Shabby. But before we discuss how we think these two will fare in the house, lets first take a closer look at all of the gay and bisexual women that have gone before them.

(Note: There have been so many ladies calling themselves bi throughout BB’s history that we are only including the women who actually acted on their declaration of lady love either in the house or during their subsequent 5 minutes of fame on the outside. This means that Sarah won’t let Lee include Michelle Bass from BB5, which she is most gutted about.)

Series 1

After she was narrowly beaten into second place, Anna Nolan left the house to offers of sexual favours from Kathy Burke and invitations to have dinner at Zoe Ball and Fat Boy Slim’s house. She went onto have a successful presenting career in Ireland and currently writes a weekly column for the Irish Independent. Rumours that she had an affair with BB presenter Davina McColl turned out to be unfounded and were in fact traced back to Sarah Longley.

Nichola Holt from Bolton and Sada Wilkington from Edinburgh were only in the house together for one week before Sada was evicted — probably for continuously demanding tofu on the shopping budget. When they left the house, they entered into a relationship with each other. No one seemed to batter an eyelid at this happening or indeed care how this love affair ended, but it is known that Nichola is now an adult film actress and Sada doesn’t appear to have been seen since around 2006.

Series 3

Adele Roberts spent her time in the house mooning around after bodybuilder Lee then male model Alex, despite the fact that she had a girlfriend on the outside. She is now a DJ on Galaxy FM and her current hair cut suggests that she may now be more committed to her sexuality.

Series 5

Kitten Pinter entered the house as a self-proclaimed anarchist. She then eschewed the opportunity to represent the intelligence of the Riot Grrrl movement she apparently believed in and instead spent the week spouting bumper sticker politics and sticking two fingers up to the cameras she had willingly allowed to follow her. Her last act of defiance was refusing to leave the house when she was evicted. Initially supportive of her stance, the housemates soon kicked her out the door the minute Big Brother threatened to reduce their prize money, showing another example of the power of capitalism.

Nadia Almada the transsexual winner of Big Brother in 2004 deserves special mention here for being fabulous enough to wear high heels in the shower. Whatever ignorant thoughts that many sections of the media and the public might have felt towards Nadia initially were chased away by the fact that she sashayed into their living rooms every night for three months and entertained them harder than an episode of Eastenders ever could When Nadia left the house sprouting tears and snot into an adoring audience, it was genuinely one of the most moving moments in the show’s history.

Series 6

There was a lesbian kiss between Sam and Makosi during this season but it was so appallingly attention seeking and with an eye on a magazine deal on the outside that we will speak of it no more – but will sneak in a picture because they were both quite easy on the eye.

Series 10

Angel McKenzie was a professional boxer and former famous pop star in her homeland of Russia. She spent her time in the house pumping iron, gubbing raw eggs and falling for femme fatale Noreen before being kicked out on week four.

Unemployed Lisa Wallace entered the house proclaiming that she could turn any straight girl that she wanted. We have to assume that she didn’t want any of the straight girls in the house seeing as none of them were ‘turned’ by her so-called charms. Lisa spent the summer smoking roll-ups and having mind-numbingly tedious conversations that seemed to always begin with ‘At the end of the day’ with David, a man whose voice was so irritating it made the vuvuzela sound like Vivaldi.

Series 11

So here we are now with the new breed of lady queers. Corin Forshaw is apparently 29 years old, but we strongly question in which year she was last 29. With her Oompa Loompa skin and authentic 30G bust, members of the press have taken to referring to her as Katie Cut-Price.

Tragically, her husband of just four months was killed in accident, and Corin now has a long term girlfriend. She has referred to her girlfriend as “being like a man” and has also said she thinks her next relationship would be with a man. Which sounds like the sort of things that many gay or bi-sexual women say when they are still coming to terms with living an openly gay lifestyle and want to make sure they are not boxed into the “other” category quite yet.

Keeley Katchadourian, or Shabby as she is known, was a child actress, singer in a band and is very proud to be a squatter. We know that Shabby was born into riches, and so when we see her talk on television about her lifestyle, in our heads Jarvis Cocker appears on her shoulder and sings softly into her ear, “If your called your daddy he could stop it all.”

We do wonder when Shabby will ever be seen without a hat? Maybe never if those rumours about a bald patch are to be believed (again we started these rumours).

This week, Shabby almost had to pack up her Oliver twist outfits and black eyeliner as she faced eviction. Judging from our Twitter feed, she was saved because the ladies wanted to see a bit more of her. It is safe to say that Shabby’s Shane-esque good looks have already gathered her a lustful lady following and they certainly didn’t want her to leave the house before she shags Caoife. I think we would also be fine with this.

“Great LezBritain” authors Sarah, a Londoner, and Lee, a Glaswegian, met in a gay discotheque one bleak mid winter, eight years ago and have been shacked up together ever since. When not watching Tipping The Velvet, they find time to write, run a PR company, DJ at their own club nights and love a bit of jam on toast. Follow them on Twitter at greatlezbritain.

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