The Hook Up: Is my inexperience a deterrent to women?

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I’m a single bisexual girl. Although I’m at uni (studying literature, to stay with the theme), my experience with girls is close to zero. But that’s not the problem I’d like to talk about. The thing that I think limits me most is that I believe that experienced women would never be willing to be intimate with me, thus preventing me from ever becoming experienced!

It’s similar to the job market, if you will. I just have the notion that lady-loving ladies know exactly what they want and are used to great sex, which of course is a horrible stereotype. Unfortunately, this makes me think that I will never be deserving of a queer lady’s patience. In an ideal world, I would find someone who is on my level and we could learn together, but of course that makes dating even harder! So are my worries completely irrational or is there some truth to them? I’m starting to feel very ashamed that I don’t know how to please women (and the obnoxious straight dudes questioning my sexuality because of it don’t make it any better). Will I ever find my Marina? — Jenny

Anna says: Dear Jenny, allow me to let you in on a little-known secret about queer lady sex: Nobody knows what they are doing. We are all faking it—some more convincingly than others—but faking it nonetheless. How is this possible? Well, because every new person you sleep with will be different than the last. That crazy figure-eight-thing you did that the last lady loved? Guess what? The next one may not like that at all! Women are incredibly complex and hence our sex is no different—meaning, paradoxically, that it’s always different.

Here’s another secret: What really truly makes someone good in bed is not mastering a reverse somersault tongue dive technique or sexing all the ladies within a six-mile radius of you. It boils down to two things: 1) Knowing what YOU want in bed, and being able to communicate that to a partner. And 2) being able to communicate generally during sex. That’s it! You can bang 1,000 ladies, but if you don’t know how to tell someone what turns you on or how to ask your partner what turns them on, then the sex you have is still going to be a shot in the dark with a lot of guesswork, frustration, and unnecessary laundry.

This is not to say that experience doesn’t help. It does, but mostly in the confidence arena. If you bang 1,000 ladies, I imagine you’re probably gonna feel pretty good about yourself. And tired. But lack of experience doesn’t make you any less desirable or bangable than the Don Juana described above. Also, unless you are broadcasting your lack of experience via megaphone to every girl you meet, it’s probably not even going to come up. Last time I checked, it was still impolite to ask someone casually, “So, how many ladies have you sexed in your life?” For which you should always reply, “Wouldn’t you like to know? Twenty-seven, plus threesomes.”  

That said, it’s totally normal to feel apprehensive and anxious when sexing a new lady. Your worries are valid, but don’t let them stop you. Girl sex is not like the job market. Except for the fact that everyone wears pantsuits during the act.

If you’d like to get a head start on learning how to be a bang-up bang buddy, I’d recommend Allison Moon’s new book Girl Sex 101 for a lot more on communication, consent, and yes, even some techniques. But I’d also encourage you to do some real, live field research, too—with yourself (if you are available) and with others. Good luck!

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