Archive

The Hook Up: Confused Bisexuals Edition

Hello Anna,

I discovered you on AfterEllen.com just a few months ago and I love to see how you help girls find answers to their questions/doubts. It’s awesome to have women like you to inspire us, advise us, and give us courage. I am a young woman, 25 years old, starting to be comfortable with the idea that I am bisexual. My closest friends and some that I have carefully selected know about it, but it is not something that I usually shout about.

Two weeks ago, I was chillin’ with a friend of mine (boy) at a restaurant drinking wine. By the end of the night we were drunk and decided to end our party at his friend’s house (girl). At that time, I didn’t knew much about her, but my friend kept telling me, “Don’t worry, it will be fun she is awesome, lesbian or bisexual, and she’s cute.” He was right: She was cute! One week ago, we were hanging out. I was high, she was a bit drunk and high, and I kissed her. She continued and we ended up having sex several times that night. (She doesn’t know it, but she’s the first girl I had sex with). When the time came to say goodbye, we told each other that we would have to call one another.

The next day, sober, I was so excited to renew the experience that I texted her and asked her if we would see each other that night. She answered me that she had to see her family but that it would not take too long. So I told her that if she wanted to see me and had time, she could call me. BUT NO NEWS from her that night or over the next three days. On the fourth day, I decided to send her a message on Facebook. In my message, I tried to act like nothing had happened, and act cool. A few hours later, she was answering me and telling me that she was sick and asked me how my internship search was going. I waited the next day to give her my answer. (A casual one.)

Since she’s a friend of a friend and our contact is minimal, I don’t know what to do or to think. I really like that girl but by reading her answers, I have the feeling she’s avoiding me or trying to forget what we did. I am always the first one sending messages. Do you think I should call her or let her know that I would be happy to see her again? Am I acting like a stalker or what? Should I forget her? Am I in love? Why did she agreed to have sex with me in the first place if she’s not interested? – A French Girl Totally Lost

Dear AFGTF,

That IS confusing, and I’m sorry she’s giving you the runaround, sugar shoes. It sounds like in the sober light of day, she may have had some second thoughts about what happened between the two of you. But it’s difficult to say without hearing it directly from her. If I were you, I’d send her one last message-don’t play it cool though, allow yourself to be a little bit vulnerable. Tell her something like, “Hey, I had fun making out with you the other week and would like to take you out on a date to get to know you better. If you’re not into that, then that’s cool, and we can be friends. But I just wanted to clear the air a little.”

You’re not at all acting like a stalker. You just wanna know what’s up-a perfectly reasonable expectation after you hook up with someone for the first time. It’s not like you’re picking out matching grave plots or something. Good luck, AFGTF, and don’t be afraid to use your words.

illustration by Natasha Miren

Dear Anna,

I’m a college sophomore who came to terms with liking girls over the summer. Last year, I had a massive crush on a girl in one of my classes (but chalked it up to “admiration”) and we became close friends. She’s generally very flirty and physically affectionate, but somehow, out of all our female friends, I’m the one she likes to cuddle in bed, whose hand she likes to play with while we talk, and who she is proud to have made out with at a party last year. We didn’t talk much when we each went home for the summer, and over that time, I realized that it was, in fact, a crush.

We have a class together this semester so we’ve been hanging out a lot more and the same behavior from last year makes me feel deceitful. I don’t have a crush on her anymore, but letting her still cuddle/handhold without being out to her feels dirty to me. It’s even worse when she talks about me meeting guys, and I don’t correct her which definitely seems like lying by omission.

I know that the easiest solution to this stress is to just come out to her, but I’m worried about how that will change our dynamic. Part of the reason we got so close is because it’s so easy to talk about everything, and if she thinks I’m into her then that aspect of our friendship will disappear. I’m afraid that due to the physical stuff, it’ll come off like the stupid “predatory lesbian” stereotype, and she’ll think that I’ve taken advantage of her.

Any ideas on how to come out? And if so, should it include telling her about my crush from last year? – Non-Predatory Queer

Dear NPQ,

Come out, come out, wherever you are! I know it’s hard to come out, especially after you’ve had plenty of opportunities to do so, but still didn’t. I’ve been there-many of us have. There’s this sliver of a moment in the conversation where you can say, “Wait, I heart vaginas!” but then a fraction of a second later, the moment has passed, and now your person has moved on to talking about how much they love Sriracha hot sauce, and to bring up your love of vaginas again would be AWK CITY.

But really, coming out is for the best. It’s not good for our well-beings to lie about something intrinsic to ourselves, if we can help it. You don’t have to tell her about the crush you had on her, but at the very least, you should tell her you like girls. Here’s a script, if you need one:

“Hey Friend Who Holds My Hand Sometimes, I need to tell you something. I feel a little silly and should have brought it up earlier, but I was afraid it might impact our friendship. I don’t want it to. But just to let you know, I like girls. And [whatever else you wanna say about it, your sexuality, etcetera].”

And then listen to what she says in return. She might want to lay off all the hand-holding or other markers of affection, but then again, she might care. If she’s willing to MAKE OUT with her platonic friends, I’m thinking she probably won’t make a big deal out of being a little affectionate with you. You’ll never know until you ask though, so get on that.

If, for some weird reason, she turns out to be a homophobic jerk when you tell her you like the ladies, then, well, good riddance to that. It may hurt in the short-term, but in the long run it’ll save you a lot more grief and heartache to know how she really feels sooner than later. But it’ll probably be fine. People surprise us, but only if we let them.

I’m a single bisexual woman. I’ve known that for years, but no one else knows because I’ve never told anyone (except a guy acquaintance of mine many years ago), and also, I’ve never truly been with a woman (aside from experimenting with a friend in high school). My dilemma is this: I would love to date a cute girl, and be intimate with her, but I have no idea where to begin, and I’m scared to death of approaching a girl who may or may not be open to that, and get rejected, or worse yet, cause some sort of scene in public! Now, I would say I’m a cute girl, but a little overweight, and I don’t know if the kind of girl I’m looking for (a blonde, ‘lipstick lesbian’) would be into me. I’m a feminine-looking girl myself, so I’m sure that nobody (just by looking at me) would assume I’m bisexual/gay.

As far as online dating goes, I’m fearful of that, as well. I would like to find someone who’s in the same boat as me, and not someone who sleeps around a lot-that just grosses me out. I would also like to find a girl who is not currently seeing with/sleeping with a guy-that grosses me out worse, actually. Where do I even begin? I live in a small, Bible belt community, where lesbians are probably few and far between, so I’m already facing that challenge! – L

L-O, L! (That was me trying to say hello in the most confusing manner possible). Moving on. Of course there’s a girl out there for you, L! Probably several, but you’re gonna have to take a few leaps of faith and put yourself OUT THERE if you want to find them (not just because you live in the Bible Belt-this applies to all lady-lovin’ ladies). Without risk, there can be no reward, as someone smart probably once said. If you need more concrete quotes, here are a few:

“A ship is safe in harbor, but that’s not what ships are for.” ÔÇò William G.T. Shedd

“The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open.” ÔÇò Chuck Palahniuk

“A bend in the road is not the end of the road… unless you fail to make the turn.” ÔÇò Helen Keller

And, to give you a lesbian example:

“There is no discovery without risk and what you risk reveals what you value.” ÔÇò Jeanette Winterson, Written on the Body

Now that those four quotes have inspired you to face potential rejection (let’s just pretend!), how do you go about meeting the blonde, lipstick gal of your dreams who is single, possibly bisexual, but doesn’t sleep around? WELL. Because that’s a kind of specific request, L, I would advise you to start your search online.

The internet can be daunting, yes, but it’s practically the only way to know for sure you’re chatting up someone who also likes girls (as opposed to in a bar or hitting on any girl who wears Converse sneakers). Because it says right there in their profile! MAGIC. Plus, setting up an online profile allows you to be pretty spot-on about what you’re looking for, and girls who don’t meet those requirements will mosey along to the next gal unbesmirched. That’s harder to do when meeting someone in person for the first time.

If you reeeeeally don’t want to go online, it’s possible that there are still queer lady events happening somewhere near you (even in the Bible Belt!). Do a search for meet-ups in your area and see if any strike your fancy-feminist book club? Anarchist poetry night? Queer knitting circle? And so on. And then go to them. Meet other queers. Have a social life! This will help your dating and non-dating life and will make you feel a little less alone in the world.

Try to look at the world as a place of possibility, not as a hammer waiting to relentlessly crush you. Allow yourself to cultivate a genuine curiosity about your love life – what will happen if you take a chance? Will there be some rejection and heartache? Yes. (More on overcoming rejection here) But will there also be intimacy and joyfulness and wonder that you might not even be able to imagine? YES.

So take a chance, L. Take a hundred. As Will Rogers once put it: “Why not go out on a limb? That’s where the fruit is.”

I’m 19 years old and I’ve never been attracted to girls EVER, although I have engaged in some sexual activities with a few girls. I have always enjoyed being with men, but this year was really weird for me because I haven’t had a good experiences with men at all, to the point where I physically and mentally started hating men-like they make me feel sick LITERALLY.

I started a new job about three months ago and I have this lesbian supervisor who is beautiful and married. The day she saw me, she started flirting with me and she’d just make me smile so much. At first I felt really confused and sad-I found myself crying more than a few times-because I am starting to really really like her, but she’s married. She admits that she likes me too, but cannot be with me as her and her wife just got married in August and she has two kids. I don’t know if she’s just playing around or serious, and I don’t know whether or not I am a bi or gay. Please please tell me what to do. – So Confused

Aw, muffin loafers! Crushing out on unavailable women is the hardest (More on that here), but it’s also the easiest. Hear me out! You know she can’t be with you. She’s married (with kids even)! It’s just an unfortunate circumstance, and has nothing to do with you and your awesomeness. So, enjoy the good feelings this gal inspires in you-the smiles, flirtations, all that-but also spend some (considerable) time pursuing people who can, you know, actually give you what you need. Get online and go out on some dates with girls (or boys if you feel up to it). This married gal is not the only girl out there who will give you smiley-happy feelings. Dwell on the possibilities. Don’t wait to give your heart access to the nourishment it seeks-seek it out yourself.

Also, while you’re doing that, I would seek out a therapist. You don’t say explicitly, but it sounds like you’ve had some potentially traumatic experiences, and talking them through and out is the way to start to get the pain out of your system. Holding onto hate and anger to the point where it makes you physically ill is not good for you, or your future awesome relationships with available ladies (or dudes).

I’m rooting for you, SC.

Hailing from the rough-and-tumble deserts of southern Arizona, where one doesn’t have to bother with such trivialities as “coats” or “daylight savings time,” Anna Pulley is a writer living in San Francisco. Find her at annapulley.com and on Twitter @annapulley. Send her your The Hook Up questions at [email protected].

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button