Well ladies, it is right around the corner. Cupid is putting on his adorable war paint and sharpening up his love arrows. Whether you have plans to take out your long term love or the new filly you’ve been seeing, Valentine’s Day can win you big props or totally get you dropped. Here are a few do’s and don’ts to help you out on this very romantic holiday.
Do make it memorable. Do something outside of the box that she will never forget.
Don’t do the same old thang you do every Friday. I know Red Lobster is delicious and a great time, but maybe the Olive Garden will have something you like even more than a Cheddar Bay Biscuit. You’ll never know if you don’t try.
Do spend a little cash. Your gal is worth it.
Don’t talk all night about how lucky she is that even though your bank account is low you are going out on a limb and picking up the tab so that she can have a memorable evening.
Do wear something nice. You never wear your fancy brogues anymore! Pull ’em out!
Don’t wear anything that is hard to get out of that night, or back into the next morning. You never know if you’re going to need to make a quick exit.
Do get creative in the sack. Nobody brags to their buddies about run of the mill, vanilla, no frills sexy times. On Valentine’s Day, have the kind of sex that will require her to draw a diagram and do a fair amount of googling to try to explain to her pals.
Don’t pass out the moment you get home because you had one too many IPAs with your bottomless buffalo wings.
Do focus on learning more about your date. She is a deep ocean of stories and theories. Draw them out. Be enamored.
Don’t talk about your ex. Ever. Unless your ex is Katherine Moennig, in which case talk about her constantly. To me. (Seriously, email me.)
Do be open to any experimental romantic stuff that may be coming your way. Be open minded! Be aggressive!
Don’t eat anything that could be even remotely volatile at dinner. I know the escargot will make you look worldly and sophisticated but think of the repercussions.
Do opt for a one-on-one date brimming with romance.
Don’t take her to your friend’s party of drunken singles, dancing the night away to forget the constant struggle of deep loneliness. Not only would that be a distracting downer, but even your most trustworthy friends tend to get a little handsy at times like this.
Do listen closely throughout the year to what she likes. On Valentine’s Day, get her that bouquet of rare Gibraltar Campions that she saw on that vacation when she was nine and remembers so fondly. The ability to retain information is a mighty aphrodisiac.
Don’t get her the same dang box of Whitman’s you got her last year. She’s Paleo now anyway! Pay attention!
Do mix up her routine. If she is out at some event for work every night, maybe cook at home and watch Imagine Me and You. She has never seen it because she’s too busy and that is ludicrous.
Don’t ignore her vibe. If you had planned to take her on an evening whale watching tour and it is the first day of her period and she’s feeling faint, ditch that plan (sorry, moonlit dolphins). Run to Kroger for some skirt steaks and cook them up with a side of sweet potatoes. She needs the iron.
Do show her a whole new world! Take her to a museum, maybe on a day trip to a winery, or just out to see the sights. The world is your oyster, and nothing is more memorable or thrilling than a couple of lesbians getting deep on a big, fresh oyster.
Don’t spend too much time in transit on V-day, unless you have a private jet because that is sexy.
Do get her a sweet little gift. Get her that thing she has been saying she wants, but being so selfless she would never purchase.
Don’t buy her lingerie. So impractical. Also, what is this, the ’80s?
Do plan ahead. Make that reservation! Pick up that box of rose petals! Buy lube!
Don’t get stressed out on the big night just because you procrastinated. Future You will thank you in a big way if you just go to Babeland and the florist right now. I’m not kidding, stop reading this and go.
Do have fun and make memories you can cherish for a lifetime!
Don’t get into some weird petty fight and sully Cupid’s pure magic! Save that for tomorrow when reality sets back in.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
