What Your Cat Says About You

on

What if lesbians were cats? Or cats were lesbians? What would that mean? Most importantly, what do my cats say about me?

As a single lesbian writer with two cats, I often ponder these questions. Not just because I have a lot of time on my hands, but because the prospect of becoming “that girl with the cats” strikes crippling insecurity into my heart. Single lesbians and cats go together like lesbian couples and packs of tiny dogs; it just works.

Cats are fluffy, low-maintenance, independent, inexpensive, and down to chill 24/7. Alas, even in the otherwise enlightened year of 2015, coming out as a cat person is often met with disapproval, suspicion, and disdain. If you’ve ever said “I have a cat,” “I am a cat person,” or (God forbid) “I prefer cats to dogs,” you know what I’m talking about. Take it away, Tumblr:

Screen Shot 2015-02-05 at 1.23.28 PM

The first date moment I dread most isn’t splitting the check or leaning in for a kiss; it’s telling my date I have a cat. “I didn’t mean to,” I find myself reassuring them, “he was horribly neglected.” On a recent date with a successful boi in her mid-30s, the big feline reveal took a dark turn.

Me: I have a cat

Date: (flinching): Oh. I don’t like cats.

Me: That’s OK, a lot of people don’t.

Date: There’s just something about cats…

Me: Cats are complicated.

Date: I just think they’re mean and kind of pointless.

Me: Depends on the cat. Mine is funny and affectionate.

Date: Really? I’ve never encountered that.

Me: I’ve noticed people who don’t like cats had a bad experience with a cat, usually when they were little.

Date: That’s right! A cat scratched me in the face when I was six.

Me: See? One bad cat ruined them all for you. That’s traumatizing.

Date: Then my Dad took the cat out back and shot it.

Me:

Date:

Me: Well, you can’t shoot my cat. Even if she scratches you.

Did I mention she brought her dog along on the first date?

Not all cat people are weird people. We do not craft with cat fur or write letters to Cat Fancy. America’s Sweethearts/porcelain-skinned rival pop stars Taylor Swift and Katy Perry are both proud cat owners. Theory: they don’t have boy drama, they have CAT drama. Think about it. There are as many types of cat women as there are women, which is why I’ve neatly sorted them into easily consumable boxes based on cliche and cultural representation. The cat sorting hat, if you will.

WHAT YOUR CAT SAYS ABOUT YOU

 

Tabbygiphy

You Are: Nice enough, I guess. Tabbies grow from the cutest kittens into enormous brat monsters who give no fucks because you’ll like them anyway. You are a bro or a mousy girl hiding her inner bro beneath bangs and library books. Sweet, low-maintenance and confident, you hike for fun but also to Instagram hiking pictures. Your wardrobe revolves around neutral and earth tones. Your favorite colors are black, brown, and white. You secretly love Pumpkin Spice lattes but drink antioxidant tea instead. Girls gravitate to you, but you’re always hung up on that one Madonna type uber-babe who got away. You go for what you want, and then you eat it.

Celebrity Cat-Alike: Britney Griner

 

Siamesetumblr_n55zmcdl7D1rtgkrpo1_500

You Are: High maintenance, needy, affectionate, anxious, loyal and so damn pretty. You can be a bit silly but woe to anyone who points that out. You’re an enthusiastic, jovial shit talker with a heart of gold. Siamese are shy and often mistaken for standoffish. Siamese hide their sensitivity beneath empty meows. Siamese just want to hear, “You have pretty eyes.” Seriously, they never tire of hearing it. In fact, if someone doesn’t compliment your eyes, you’ll secretly wonder why. Was it the light?

Celebrity Cat-Alike: Amber Heard

 

Persianpersian-cat-eating-with-chopsticks

You Are: Prone to gazing in the mirror for a little too long, what others call vanity you call “being really, ridiculously good looking.” You require daily grooming and your bathroom is filled with half-used hair products. You are either very clean or very messy; there is no in between. You deserve the best life has to offer, and you know it. You are not athletic and naturally clumsy. Sweet unless you hate someone, in which case you REALLY hate them and will probably hurt them if opportunity arises.

Celebrity Cat-Alike: Ruby Rose

More you may like