The 10 Commandments of New Year’s Eve

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Editor’s Note: Chloe first wrote this for AfterEllen in 2015, but we can’t think of anything we’d like to change about this year’s list. The ten commandments are pretty solid. 

New Year’s Eve is not a night of glossy, sexy, EPIC shit shows. At midnight, you will not lock eyes with a beautiful stranger, shyly touch lips, and melt into a pool of sensual passion. Champagne will not flow like water, blunts won’t roll themselves, and bae won’t finally realize you exist. New Year’s Eve is a expectations falsely elevated, then dashed upon vomit strewn cement.

However, there’s no need to be a pessimist. One can forge ahead and find a jolly good time simply by acknowledging, and working around, NYE’s inherent flaws: rigid universal countdown, overcrowding, limited transportation, and desperate pressure to couple up by midnight lest the next YEAR be tainted by your inability to catch a mate for 30 second on one frigid, sweaty winter evening.

If you, like many of my older, wiser, and less bullshit-tolerant friends, are planning to tuck under the covers and into a good book: completely understandable. Frankly, I  feel the same way, but to great pleasure and surprise I seem to have acquired quite a number of fun and festive friends who insist on inviting me to incredible parties. While I wouldn’t (and rarely do) mind being alone, some small sliver of community-minded gaiety impels me to slap on something sheer and party with the crew, downsides be damned. If you want to take a shot at enjoying NYE at a bar, mind the 10 Commandments of New Year’s Eve and make the most of annual insanity!

The 10 Commandments of New Year’s Eve

 

1. Stack the deck.

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Roll with friends but invite a healthy smattering (two to four) of girls you wouldn’t mind kissing when the clock strikes midnight.

2. Pregame.

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Or you’ll spend the whole night quietly fuming in line at the bar.

3. Cover is for suckers.

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It’s not that I don’t like paying cover; it’s that I am physically repulsed by the prospect of paying cover.

4. Be careful who you kiss.

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Tonight is not the night to settle for that basic bitch yearning for your embrace.

5. Hone in on a midnight buddy by 11:15.

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Looking around at midnight to see no one meeting your eyes is immensely depressing.

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