When I first started this column, its purpose was to poke fun of celebrities who were a little too adamant in declaring their heterosexuality. In a time when Clay Aiken’s declaration that yes, he is indeed gay is met with a collective yawn, and when Ellen and Portia’s wedding is treated as nothing more than a typical celebrity wedding, there is no question that coming out as gay or lesbian in Hollywood is no longer a death knell or — in most circumstances — even considered scandalous enough to guarantee that the masses will whisper about you for more than five minutes.
But certain elements of the media never got the memo, and this time, we turn our attention to these stragglers.
Earlier this month, Eamonn Holmes (co-host of British television show This Morning) interviewed Salma Hayek. During the interview, Mr. Holmes mistakenly believed that Salma Hayek had come out of the closet, at least halfway. (And, no we do not mean by starring as bisexual artist Frida Kahlo in the film Frida.)
What exactly is a “half lesbian”?
Is mistaking someone for being a “half lesbian” a reason to soil one’s tighty whities? I suppose it depends on the lesbian.
I don’t know if I’d be “mortified” if I were to be mistaken someone for, say, half of Portia de Rossi, because even half of Portia de Rossi is pretty damn smokin’ hot, and it would be a great compliment to be mistaken for being even a fraction of Portia de Rossi.
In fact, if an interviewer were to mistake me for half of Portia de Rossi, Leisha Hailey or Rachel Maddow, I’d give the interviewer a big wet kiss, which I suppose might in turn “mortify” the interviewer, but even if that scenario were to have occurred with Salma Hayek, I am sure Mr. Eamonn Holmes would have welcomed it with open arms (and an open mouth).
In any event, “mortified” is a strong word. I created a hierarchy based on the mortification level of an interviewer that may result from mistake an interview subject for various types of people. Sadly, my statistics professor was a Marxist, and he gave out B+’s to anyone who showed up to class (true story); consequently, I did not bother to learn anything in his class and merely showed up to receive my guaranteed B+.
Since I am woefully incompetent in this arena, I asked resident Lesbian Scientistician Stuntdouble to create a graph from my raw data.
As you can see, mistaking someone for being a “half lesbian” is not a valid reason to become mortified. Thank you, Stuntdouble.
Also last week, gossip rags got wind that Pink may have experimented with women in the past but now prefers men, which caused a collective scrambling to print this ever-so-important news item. Examples:
(Note to the media: There is a word that describes a person who is attracted to both women and men, and that word is “bisexual.”)
Although the above-linked articles did not name their source, the story originated from Pink’s appearance on the “Eddie, JoBo & Erica Show” on B96 FM in Chicago, a clip of which is available on PerezHilton.com. I have transcribed the clip below:
Pink’s sexuality has often been questioned. Could it be her penchant for closely-cropped hairstyles, including the occasional dyke-a-licious fauxhawk? Her public make-out session with Kristanna Loken in 2004? In any event, this line of questioning seems a bit out of place, considering the subject of the rest of the clip.
You know what? Pink can like penis all she wants. It wasn’t so long ago that the Dixie Chicks suffered a CD-burning spree and boycott for dissing Dubya, and it didn’t stop Pink from releasing the single “Dear Mr. President” a couple of years later.
Pink has never pulled punches, and that is something to be respected. Furthermore, she is an ally, and we love her. Pink, we embrace you, even as you embrace the penis — not that there is anything wrong with that.