“What Is Sexy?” – a secret I wish they’d kept

I don’t frequent Victoria’s Secret stores. I don’t watch those lame Victoria’s Secret TV specials. I don’t peruse the Victoria’s Secret catalog and never have, not even when one of my college friends insisted it was the perfect study break.

So, fine; I didn’t really expect to like the 2008 What Is Sexy? list, which was released by Victoria’s Secret earlier today. But nor did I expect to be thoroughly confused by it. You’ve probably seen headlines about the most ridiculous one: Ryan Seacrest made the list for “sexiest smile.” Ryan Seacrest? I think they must have accidentally copied and pasted from their What Is Icky? list.

But let’s talk about the women on the list, starting with the one that really made me say “Whaaaaat?” in a Jill Bennett–esque way:

Sexiest Mom: Victoria Beckham

Uh. Did they mean Sexiest Person You Always Forget Is a Mom, Because, Really, Since When Can Mannequins Reproduce? I can think of many better candidates. Salma Hayek, for one.

Sexiest Actress: Eva Mendes

I think I must be misreading that. It does say actress, right? As in, one who can act? Yes, I’m being harsh, but I don’t think people generally focus on her acting ability. No need to pretend this is the kind of sexiness that’s derived from talent rather than titillation.

Sexiest Eyes: Kate Bosworth

It’s hard to believe that one blue eye and one hazel eye could be unimpressive, but I find Bosworth’s gaze very empty. I like eyes that sparkle with intelligence, like America Ferrera‘s or Elizabeth Mitchell‘s.

Sexiest Legs: Ali Larter

Amy Smart and Ali Larter

Legs? I guess. She’s sexier when she’s killing zombies in Resident Evil: Extinction.

Sexiest Lips: Jessica Biel

Nah. Arms, maybe; lips, no. For lips (and arms, for that matter), I have to go with Jennifer Beals. Similar name, but oh, what a difference a few letters make.

Sexiest Couple: Fergie and Josh Duhamel

I can’t see any kind of chemistry between these two at all. Not even if they were hanging out in a lab with beakers and Bunsen burners. And anyway, everyone knows this should be Alice and Dana.

Sexiest Newlyweds: Katherine Heigl and Josh Kelley

I give up. They should have called this list Who’s So Dull, They’re Invisible?

And now for the two I actually agree with — or at least can understand without partaking of an illegal substance.

Sexiest Musician: Rihanna

Sexiest Style: Scarlett Johansson

The men on the list are even more mind-boggling to me — and they make me feel gayer. Dane Cook, Eric Bana and Josh Holloway all made the list. (Dane Cook was voted Sexiest Funnyman, which not only repels me but but also makes me wonder why is there no Sexiest Funnywoman. But then again, a lot of funny women are lesbians, and we couldn’t have that.)

Read the full list here. Oh, and one more: The cast of Dirty Sexy Money was named Sexiest Cast. I think I would have gone with Ugly Betty on that one (because, again, funny is sexy), but at least there’s a transgender character on Dirty Sexy Money. Without that, this is, above all, the straightest list ever.

The accompanying What Is Sexy? TV special will air Feb. 9 on E! — oh, now we see the Seacrest connection (he hosts E! News). Most of the footage for the special will no doubt come from the company’s Valentine’s Day bash in Arizona this Saturday, aka Super Bowl Eve. Victoria’s Secret and football? Color me comatose.

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