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Best. Lesbian. Week. Ever. (December 21, 2007)

I SAID “CASHMERE SWEATER,” BUT SANTA HEARD “CASHMERE STILLS” I’m not sure I’ve been a very good girl in 2007. I mean, I guess it could have been worse – after all, I didn’t euthanize a dog, or dupe a bunch of lonely hearts into competing for my affections, or have a mini-breakdown on a talk show. But I was no angel, either; for example, I probably annoyed everyone with my constant praise of the Holy Trinity (Beals, Lahbib and Streep). And then there was that incident with the jump rope and the Debby Boone CD, but I’d rather not discuss that.

The point is that I don’t think I deserve this early holiday gift: some very festive Cashmere Mafia photos. Behold Caitlin (Bonnie Somerville) and Alicia (Lourdes Benedicto): It looks like Caitlin soon finds Alicia more interesting than the scenery: Yum! These and other stills from the first episode (now airing Jan. 6, not Jan. 3 as previously reported) appeared on CashmereMafia.net this week. Here are a few more choice selections.

Mia (Lucy Liu), expressing delight at what appears to be a proposal, a box of mints or a clown nose: Zoe (Frances O’Connor) in a closet. Sadly, it’s not symbolic. Zoe, Caitlin and Juliet (Miranda Otto) toasting to something (let’s imagine it’s Alicia dancing on a table): Visit CashmereMafia.net to see all 39 (!) stills. Thanks to AfterEllen.com reader Kira002 for stuffing our stockings with these lovely snaps.

Finally, here’s a snippet you just can’t see too many times – view the full teaser on ABC.com.

   

The take-away message from all this? Behave yourselves: Maybe our collective good-girl mojo will bring us a happy Cashmere new year.

Cashmere Mafia premieres on ABC on Sunday, Jan. 6 at 10 p.m. ET (yes, that’s the same night the fifth season of The L Word premieres on Showtime and the fifth season of The Wire premieres on HBO). The second episode airs three days later on Jan. 9 at 10 p.m. ET, and Wednesday nights will be the show’s regular time slot. Check AfterEllen.com’s new Cashmere Mafia page regularly to stay updated on all the latest Cashmere news, forum posts, articles, interviews, and recaps.

Lori and Sarah plan to discuss the latest Cashmere episode each Friday in their weekly video blog She Made Me Watch This!, and Dara’s recap will be posted the Monday following each episode. We’ve also got some great interviews lined up with the Cashmere Mafia stars.

Which means AfterEllen.com will be all about the Pashmina Posse in January! When it’s not about The L Word. Or reviewing new lesbian movies. Or adding new video blogs. Or … help me, Bonnie Somerville. It’s an embarrassment of riches!

TILA TEQUILA TO WORLD BARTENDER: “MAKE IT A STIFF ONE” So have you recovered? Are you still gnashing your teeth? Is your head pounding worse than it will in response to any vat of eggnog you happen to encounter this season? I refer, of course, to the season finale of A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila. (Spoilers follow. But if you don’t know who won by now, you really must be hitting the hooch lately.) Karman has all the sordid details in her recap, and Malinda offers some insightful analysis in her Year in Review article and The Lo-Down. So I’ll focus on the psychological damage.

Actually, I can’t say I was surprised by Tila’s choice. That doesn’t mean I understand it, because Bobby doesn’t exactly seem like a catch to me. For one thing, his hair (especially when viewed from the side) looks like a patch of cat’s fur after prolonged washing of that particular spot.

That said, he’s also safe, malleable and the only possible choice in light of this country’s tendency to pick the regular guy who is good company at the bar. Tila explained her choice thusly on her MySpace blog:

So here I am with Bobby. Yes, I know a lot of you wanted me to pick Dani, and so did I…..but at the end of the day, I felt as though Dani and I became SOOOO close that I didn’t want to ruin such a great friendship that we had built together. You know usually on these type of dating reality shows, things never tend to work out in the end because it gets all weird and awkward between 2 lovers….and so that is why I did not choose Dani as my lover, but as my closest friend. This way we would never have to “END” things between us. Also the fact that Dani is doing quite well for many reasons and I am happy for her:

1) She’s really famous now

2) The world loves her

3) She’s getting more girls throwing themselves at her then ever before in her life

4) She’s really famous now

Ok so there you have it. Everyone wins……except for me I guess….I think I found love, and then the world bashes me for putting out my feelings.

Yeah, totally; I know how usually things never tend to work out in the end and everyone wins and then the world bashes me. Wait, what? I think I’d rather quote the comments of AfterEllen.com readers in the forums, especially these:
Dani is so much more real, and so much hotter than Bobby. Dani’s better off anyway; Tila looked like a Bratz doll. – Journey_Wmn

Tila would have just held her back. – Tiffany

I can’t believe YOU GUYS LET ME WATCH THIS SHOW!!!! – Blasianbeatanik

I can’t either! But there was just something irresistible about Dani Campbell, that futch firefighter with the heart of gold. During the finale, Dani proved she could have a hip-hop career if the firefighting thing doesn’t work out.

   

How hot was that? That’s why I’m glad she “lost”: because now Dani can come back to her people. And date. A lot. (Maybe she’ll even dip into the AfterEllen.com pool of brainy hotties.) Congrats to you, Dani, for keeping your cool throughout that entire mess. We wish you and your clothing line all the best in 2008! Just don’t make a guest appearance on Domenico’s show, or we’ll never forgive you.

LESBIAN QUOTE OF THE WEEK “There’s this perception that because I’m an out lesbian or have a flattop, that I’m ‘out there.’ And I embrace that. But I’ve always used humor to provoke people. And I’m genuinely nostalgic about childhood and suburbia and all that. I’m much more Harriet Nelson than anyone would ever suspect.” – Folksinger and artist Phranc to Time Out New York

ANGELA CHASE WOULD NEVER TEASE US LIKE THIS What do you get when you take the creators of My So-Called Life, toss in a Girltrash! star (Michelle Lombardo) and add a dash of internet voyeurism?

You get a show called Quarterlife, and you also get a character with an interesting past. (Thanks to AfterEllen.com reader Jo for the tip.)

(Warning: Spoilers) We’ve been talking about Quarterlife on the blog, mostly because an online show about a video blogger is an irresistible concept to internet types like us. But we also thought there was something about it that promised lesbian or bi content, and this week our suspicions were confirmed.

Episode 12 revealed that Dylan (Bitsie Tulloch), the main character, had a brief relationship with a woman. Here’s Dylan having a heart-to-heart with Lisa (Maite Schwartz):

   

Flirty, matter-of-fact and adorable – what’s not to love? (Well, Dylan does say some fairly odd things after that.) But what I really love is the fact that it’s not a sweeps stunt or a titillating remark. The whole thing is actually going to be explored! By the time you read this, Episode 13 will have been posted on Quarterlife.com. The episode is called “Anxiety,” which doesn’t exactly bode well. If you’re not inclined to watch 10-minute segments on the web, take heart: NBC has purchased the broadcast rights. The prime-time TV series (repackaged in 30-minute episodes) debuts Feb. 18.

Note to the producers: Please try to work in a cameo for Rayanne Graff (A.J. Langer). She always seemed to have so much potential, if you know what I mean.

DOES HER NAME RHYME WITH “RINDSAY ROHAN”? This week, the Daily Mail featured pictures of Sienna Miller cozying up to costar Tara Elders in the film Interview, in which Miller plays a “hugely popular celebrity” who is interviewed by a journalist. Uh, I can’t say that looks like a very good kiss (you might say it’s reminiscent of Bobby and Tila, actually). But Sienna’s comments about the film are certainly intriguing. She said she “carefully studied” a certain someone in preparation for the role: “I could never say who they are, which is going to be frustrating, but yes there is a certain person that I studied from afar a bit for the role, but she is American.”

Well, whoever the subject was, the studies paid off: Sienna has been nominated for a U.K. Critics’ Circle Film Award. Who knew you could garner critical acclaim by reenacting a scene from Kissing Jessica Stein?

BUT SHE DOES HANG OUT WITH LATIFAH SOMETIMES A video of a woman claiming to be an ex-girlfriend of rapper Remy Ma has been floating around this week. It’s way too crazy to post here; suffice it to say the woman isn’t happy with the way she and Remy left things. At the end of the video, she calls Remy (supposedly) and asks her to stop “frontin’.” The hip-hopper disclaims any knowledge or involvement – in fact, she felt the need to issue an official statement through her publicist:

The staged video and storyline, as well as the voice on the phone posing as Remy are all fictitious and have made it very obvious that this is a deliberate attempt to undermine Remy’s name and character. Remy Ma has not nor has she ever been involved in a same sex relationship with the accuser or any other woman however Remy is respectful of those who choose the alternative lifestyle. Again, this video and claim are both 100% untrue and we hope that the involved accusers are aware of the civil liberties violated in the taping of this video.
I’m aghast. But I’m even more aghast – I guess agog would be the word – over TMZ.com‘s awesome response to that ignorant blather: “The idea of ‘choosing’ one’s orientation is nearly as ridiculous as Remy’s choices in wigs.” Word!

On a related note, this week Blender magazine named Fergie their woman of the year and asked her some provocative questions (hat tip to roc):

Blender.com: You’ve talked openly about having sexual experiences with women. Did you ever have a real relationship with one?

Fergie: No, it was just fun.

Blender.com: When did that last happen?

Fergie: [Smiles] In the hotel room, with channel 34. Me and a few bitches got down. That was my last lesbian experience.

Whoa! Well, if that sort of thing counts as an “experience,” I think I need to talk to someone about my encounter with a jar of macadamia nuts and the Man vs. Wild guy.

QUANTUM LEAP FOR GAY GIRLS The new web series Rebecca Drysdale Is a Time-Traveling Lesbian recently debuted on FunnyOrDie.com. Each fantastical, funny three- or four-minute webisode chronicles the adventures of the titular comedian as she zips forward and back in time, saving the world and making out with girls. Her sci-fi exploits take the hilariously caustic and perpetually confused Drysdale from her video-store-and-improv-troupe present to disco-era Studio 54 (where she hooks up with a ’70s hottie) to ancient Rome (where she hooks up with a toga-wearing hottie played by The Big Gay Sketch Show‘s Nicol Paone) to the Summer of Love (where she hooks up with a hippie hottie) to the Civil War and Nazi Germany (where she does not hook up with anyone, but does nab some evildoers).

With her trusty chunky watch-phone and her improv skills – which help her fit into any scene, historical or futuristic – the often befuddled Drysdale attempts to stop baddies from misusing information à la Biff from Back to the Future Part II. The series is surprisingly well-written (by the adorably sarcastic Drysdale) and professionally filmed, with all manner of hilarious pop-culture references, plus the occasional well-placed F-bomb. It’s produced in part by HBO, ostensibly as a result of the development deal the channel struck with Drysdale in 2005.

Here’s the first episode:

  The globe-trotting gay-themed series is part Alias, part Dr. Who, part Flight of the Conchords, part History Channel and part Dykes in the City. And since the last episode is a cliffhanger, presumably these won’t be the last we see of the comedian’s winning capers.

[THIS SPACE INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK IN SOLIDARITY WITH THE WGA] This week there were a few bleak headlines about the writers’ strike, like this one from Reuters: “Writers’ strike ends most U.S. scripted TV work.” Sigh. You know what that means: More reality shows.

Right on cue, some Survivor casting news has surfaced. Ami Cusack (Survivor: Vanuatu) will join other former castaways on Survivor: Micronesia – Fans vs. Favorites. Ami identified as a lesbian when she was on Survivor in 2004 and had a female partner at the time, but she now lists herself as “single” on her MySpace profile and uses the quote “Its not the Gender, Its the Person.” Draw from that what you will, and please add apostrophes while you’re at it. What are we up to now … the 4,382nd season of Survivor? They should call it Survivor: Microscopic to indicate the size of its audience. But at least a gay contestant won Survivor: China.

Meanwhile, Christopher Knight (aka Peter Brady on The Brady Bunch) said some things this week that ought to get him banished to his own little island. His wife, Adrianne Curry, apparently posed for some “sexy lesbian photos” and presented them to Chris as a birthday gift. He wasn’t thrilled: In an upcoming episode of My Fair Brady, he says, “It is the physicalisation of my worst fears. It creeps me out. I want a separation.” I must raise my voice in song. “The homophobe, the homophobe./That’s the way he became a homophobe! Ba dup-a-dah buh bah da dah!

WHEN KIRAN BURNED OUT KAREN’S CORNEAS The at-least-somewhat-lesbian-themed movie When Kiran Met Karen, which has recently undergone some not-very-positive changes, is in postproduction. Here are a couple of shots of Karen (Kelli Holsopple) and Kiran (Chriselle Almeida). The first one makes me squint – did they film on a solar flare? But this next one is cute. I bet they’re checking the length of their fingers so they can figure out whether they’re really gay. No need, really: Karen’s wardrobe says it all.

HEY HEY HEY HEY – THAT’S WHAT I SAY Last month, Karman told you about the the Australian drama Satisfaction, a show about the experiences of six female sex workers, one of whom is a lesbian. Intrepid AfterEllen.com blogger Jamie Lynn recently moved to Australia, and she sent us the scoop on a recent episode.

I can now report that, even across the Pacific, being a lesbian prostitute does not guarantee a unique story line. The third episode of the series, which focuses on the lesbian couple, is titled “Jizz.” As in the hunt for it. From turkey basting with donated sperm to rifling through the brothel’s trash for used condoms, we follow Heather (Peta Sergeant) and her girlfriend, Ally (Jesse Spence), whose quest for fertilization climaxes in this episode. So to speak.
Hmm. Must this plot plague creep across every continent? But Jamie noted that there were some bright spots in the episode, like this exchange between Heather and Eadie, the homophobic girlfriend of sperm donor Gary:
Eadie: This kid. Well, it’s gonna be a lesbian, yeah? Heather: Well, actually, we were hoping for twins. That way, if one of them is straight, we can have it terminated.
Snarktastic! But there was also a squicky story line involving a client who likes to play Baby as well as Daddy. I don’t want to know the details. Ick factor and predictable plots aside, Jamie calls Satisfaction “sexy, funny and surprisingly moving” overall. Sign me up for a box set!

WE REALLY SHOULDN’T ENCOURAGE THEM Out authors Ali Smith and Jeanette Winterson were recently short-listed for the Guardian‘s Bad Sex Award (thanks for the tip, katchoo!).

The British award aims to “draw attention to the crude, tasteless, often perfunctory use of redundant passages of sexual description in the modern novel, and to discourage it.” Now that’s what I call a worthy mission. Here are the offending passages:

From Ali Smith’s Boy Meets Girl

Was that her tongue? Was that what they meant when they said flames had tongues? I was hard all right, and then I was sinew, I was a snake, I changed stone to snake in three simple moves, stoke stake snake, then I was a tree whose branches were all budded knots, and what were those felty buds, were they antlers? were antlers really growing out of both of us? was my whole front furring over? and were we the same pelt? were our hands black shining hoofs? were we kicking? were we bitten? We were blades, were a knife that could cut through myth, were two knives thrown by a magician, were arrows fired by a god, we hit heart, we hit home, we were the tail of a fish were the reek of a cat were the beak of a bird were the feather that mastered gravity were high above every landscape then down deep in the purple haze of the heather were roamin in a gloamin in a brash unending Scottish piece of perfect jigging reeling reel can we really keep this up?

I think I just sprained something. And I have to get these felty buds and furry pelts out of the way, because Winterson is ready to blast off:
From Jeanette Winterson’s The Stone Gods

“Spike, you’re a robot, but why are you such a drop-dead gorgeous robot? I mean, is it necessary to be the most sophisticated machine ever built and to look like a movie star?”

She answers simply: “They thought I would be good for the boys on the mission.”

I am pondering the implications of this. Like a wartime pin-up? Like a live anti-depressant? Like truth is beauty, beauty truth? “How good? I mean, I’m assuming you’re not talking sexual services here.”

“What else is there to do in space for three years?” “But inter-species sex is illegal.”

“Not on another planet it isn’t. Not in space it isn’t.” …

“So you had sex with spacemen for three years?” “Yes. I used up three silicon-lined vaginas.”

Wait. This seems awfully familiar: Is this the screenplay for that Mass Effect scene? Regardless, I’m going to be sure to use the line “You’re a robot, but why are you such a drop-dead gorgeous robot?” the next time I go to the cantina. I’ve had my tentacled eyes on a feisty little Cardassian for a while now.

Neither Smith nor Winterson “won” the prize, though. The late Norman Mailer had that dubious honor. I bet he’d share my fervent hope that Smith and Winterson will learn a lesson from this. Fewer euphemisms and more eroticism, ladies: You’re not writing lyrics for Crutch on Exes & Ohs!

OUR YEAR IN QUEER In case you haven’t noticed, we’ve been looking back on 2007. From The L Word to Puccini for Beginners to Yo Majesty, we cover all the ups and downs of the year that was in television, film and music. Plus, we check our lists of who’s naughty and nice and make a point to award visibility. We’re like Wikipedia, only a lot gayer and a lot less errer-prone. Er, error-prone!

HAPPY HOMO-DAYS Have you finished your holiday shopping? No? If you can’t bear to brave the long lines and frantic crowds, rest assured you’re not alone. This picture of Jodie Foster, featured in this week’s issue of Us magazine, pretty much says it all: Pick me up some triple rolls of Cottonelle and a hedge trimmer, will ya?

THE BIG LESBIAN SKETCH VLOG We’ve finally posted Michelle Paradise‘s

long-awaited worst date stories vlog, in which she and a handful of special guestbians you might recognize re-enact some of the stories you submitted, complete with puppets, costumes, random asides and outtakes. Here’s a glimpse of the improv group in action (that’s Michelle in the middle): The re-enactments are hilarious, the dating stories truly horrifying (in a

good way), and Michelle and company go on all sorts of amusing tangents while

making fun of each other at every opportunity. They also give away a fabulous

prize to the winner with the saddest-sack story. It’s the best low-tech lesbian

improv vlog online! (Of course, it’s probably the only low-tech

lesbian improv vlog online, but that’s just quibbling.) Watch it here now!

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!

AfterElton.com has a fascinating article about Bill O’Reilly (he’s on our naughty list this year).

Author Diane Middlebrook died Dec. 18. Middlebrook wrote Suits Me: The Double Life of Billy Tipton, a biography of the transgender jazz musician.

An AfterEllen.com reader passed along the MySpace page for Heather of America’s Next Top Model. Heather lists “my gay mommies” as her heroes.

The American Film Institute included Friday Night Lights and Mad Men among its 2007 honorees – they so totally copied us.

Don’t forget: Cashmere Mafia premieres Jan. 6, and so do The L Word and The Wire. When it rains, it pours lesbian cats and dogs.

Finally, the AfterEllen.com staff is taking a break for the holidays. We’ll be back Jan. 2, 2008, with more news, reviews, recaps and New Year’s resolutions. (I’m pretty sure we’ll all resolve to get more sleep – and that vow will last about a day.) Happy holidays, everyone!

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