Note: Like many criminals, I’ve always found “facts” and “proof” a rather restrictive criteria. How I’ve longed to let my inner creative free, to just once write an article without having to check if the point I’m making is correct. Thus, in honor of this very special day, I shall do like the witches did and chuck convention to the cats. Fuck cold hard facts. Here’s what (I think) went down with the five fiercest killers, based on rumors, folklore, suspicions, anecdotes, and all other evidence you can’t use in court.
Just last week, I caught sight of a pretty young boi and let my eyes wander the length of her long, hard body, picturing exactly what I’d like to do to her. First, I’d strip her naked. Then, I’d fetch my servants and together we’d chain her to a hidden chamber inside my Transylvanian castle. After starving her for an hour or 10, I’d get to the really naughty bits: beating, skinning, stabbing, burning, ripping, and slowly draining away the blood until all the light had faded from those beautiful eyes.
JK that wasn’t me, that was Erzsébet Báthory!
Erzsébet Báthory was a 16th century Hungarian Countess who liked to torture strapping young peasant girls from her vast and wealthy estate. Hundreds of girls died by Erzsébet’s ivory palm; she literally went through all the available female serf stock, and then created a fake school for young noble ladies to fill the blood void. What a go-getter!
Anyways, Erzsébet’s murderous inclinations were fueled by two sexxxxy lesbian affairs. Erzsébet’s Aunt Klara, a notorious bisexual sadist, taught Erzsébet her sexy sapphic sadist ways when Erzsébet was just a blossoming wee sociopath. Once Erzsébet grew up a bit, a mysterious woman named Anna Darvolya joined her household, and together they tapped into some super innovative new ways to kill. Some examples from this amazing and detailed breakdown of The Blood Countess’s Escapades on The Hairpin.
Doesn’t that sound like FUN, ya’ll?! No? No one wants to come over tonight? Whatever. Anyways, Erzsébet finally killed too many non-disposable (noble) women, and the law came to shut that shit down. Since there were several dead girl bodies strewn about Erzsébet’s castle when officials turned up, there was very little wiggle room for Erzsébet to feign innocence. Too wealthy to be put to death, Erzsébet was sealed in the creepy castle for the rest of her life, then buried in family crypt. In 1995, the crypt was opened for the first time in centuries. Erzsébet was not inside.
Portrait of Erzsébet Báthory via wikipedia
Lizzie Borden took an axe
Axe murdering is not for sissies. Heavy, awkward, unwieldy things, axes aren’t known for their female-friendly design. When Andrew and Abby Borden were chopped to bits in 1892, America was scandalized and fascinated by the fetching young suspect. A wealthy, well bred young woman, Lizzie Borden’s life seemed the picture or propriety: Sunday School Teacher, Secretary of the Christian Endeavor Society, and enthusiastic member of the pro-prohibition Women’s Christian Temperance Union. A total bore, a priggish goody-goody who woke up one day and decided her parents would look better in shreds.
Shortly before the murders, a new maid joined the Borden household. Bridget Sullivan, a pretty young Irish woman, testified that while the Bordens installed locks on their doors and interacted with palpable tension, a raised voice was never heard in the Borden household. Bridget and Lizzie became close… too close. In the scorching Summer of 1892, Lizzie’s reviled and estranged Stepmother Abby made a salacious and damning discovery: Lizzie Borden in the throes of passion with Bridget Sullivan.
On August 3rd, Bridget heard her lover call, “Come down quick! Father’s dead.” Police arrived to a gory tableau. Andrew and Abby Borden were chopped from head to toe, hit with an ax at least 11 times. Over and over again, an ax crunched through Borden skulls with such furious force and speed that Andrew’s eyeball and tooth were split in two. A thick stew of blood, brains, and bone shards soaked the elegant furniture Andrew and Abby Borden’s dismembered corpses rested upon.
A heavily publicized trial found Lizzie Borden not guilty because of circumstantial evidence, and she was acquitted of all charges. Although Lizzie Borden would never again be welcomed into polite society, she discovered more intriguing company. Now a wealthy, independent, and infamous woman, Lizzie Borden basked in the excitement of her new life. She moved into a mansion and threw extravagant parties attended by the wealthy and famous. Bridget was replaced by Nance O’Neill, a sultry young lesbian actress known for her sexy girl on girl dalliances. Crime can pay!