How to ignore your biological clock


We find ourselves in the day and age where 30 is the new 20. This flip in how old we are vs. how old we feel is a huge jump for us ladies! We have more time to focus on our careers and make our lives what we want them to be! Empowerment! However, this gift that has been granted to us by our headstrong and driven foremothers has its pitfalls. One of which is constantly emitting from our uteri:

BABIES. Holy hell. Babies.

This video in particular does something to my woman parts that can only be described as “somersaults.” It doesn’t feel great. It is overwhelming and upsetting. Not to mention the constant bombardment of babies with half-familiar faces torpedoing at you from your computer or mobile device.


Even if I did feel like throwing in the towel and saying “Hey Science, let’s knock me up already, so that I, too, can have a baby obsessed with the charismatic aging stars of yesteryear” there is no way in frozen shit that I would be able to afford it.

Sperm: $400-$700 (if you want to know anything about your baby daddy: $100-$300)

Pre-Natal Care: $2,000

Delivery: $9,700 – &12,500 (Unless there are complications, then you could be looking at upwards of $300,000)

Then you have to build a nursery (oh, $5,000) and buy things to make them not be naked all the time and learn english and how to not be an asshole (which costs probably like a million dollars) and then you have no money and you are poor and starving and before you know it you and your angry partner and your sweet infant are living in a stinky tent in downtown LA.

It is my goal to avoid this scenario. Here are seven nice activities to keep your hormones in check!

1. Invest in dangerous art.


We all love to fill our homes with pieces of art that add that certain “I don’t know what” to our atmosphere. One must choose inspiring pieces that put our minds at ease or add a creative or focusing element to our space. Why not choose pieces that a baby should definitely not be around? Pieces that would frighten or potentially harm a child? The art in your home should reflect your deepest desires (Which have NOTHING to do with BABIES, right?!).

2. Purchase some potentially lethal house plants.


Nothing like a beautiful flower to bring color and vibrancy to your life! A small part of the earth that is yours to take care of, but will also kill you if you eat it! Daffodils, English Ivy, Hydrangea, Easter Lily, and Oleander are all extremely poisonous and to humans and animals. We are adults! We know better than to eat these things! Would you like to guess you isn’t smart and often low to the ground where one might keep a houseplant? You got it! BABIES!

3. Buy fancy furniture for ADULTS!


We are all a little guilty of filling out our homes with Ikea’s finest. It won’t last forever but, HEY, it is cheap and we are all basically Peter Pan-ing for our lives right now. We can pick up a dresser at a Goodwill and feel great about it! I think it is time for all of us to start investing in some nice pieces. Stuff that starts a conversation, items that we know will be with us for the rest of our lives, items that could harm a small child but that will never happen because (for right now, at least) baby free is the way to be!

4. Focus on your hot body that has never housed another human.


Fitness! Freedom! With all of your free time and money, you can really focus on yourself! Wake up and make yourself that kale and cucumber juice! Really give yourself over to the energy in that sweaty yoga class! Run on that treadmill like the wild stallion through the wild west! Then look in the mirror at your cute, tight little belly, pat it and say “good job on the whole not being full of a person thing” and give your hot self a wink.

5. Get into politics.


There are plenty of political issues that plague us as queer women. Everybody has something to say, including you. So make your voice heard! Become part of the conversation! Make cool signs and T-shirts. Start a blog and make some like-minded friends. Fight the good fight, stay strong, and definitely don’t think about how passing along all of the amazing things you have learned along the way would benefit growing child’s outlook.

6. Have loud, weird sex at unconventional times and places.


Answering to no one PLUS having an awesome partner who you are very attracted to = cool sex whenever you want! You can say, “Hey honey, that was a wholesome and delectable meal. You are a true talent in the kitchen, now let us consummate our loving relationship”. Then you can do it on the table. Or on the couch. Anywhere. You can be at a museum, see a limestone statue of a barely clothed lady, get randy, and pop to the handicapped bathroom with your lady for a quickie! No little ones to take the the butterfly exhibit! Just fun adult experiences to be had at every turn!

7. Start reading the classics.


Ah, nothing better than an old tome to remind you how smart you are. Sit down on your expensive furniture and snuggle up, crack open the dusty pages, and you’re off! Nobody is there, pitter-pattering about, asking for food because they are “hungry,” crying for attention, or pointing out your motherly flaws. Breathe in deeply and take a sip from of your organic chamomile tea that you made with your dangerous tea kettle on your brand new dangerous electric stove top. Yum, tastes like the life your mother would never admit she’s jealous of.

I hope this helps keep the pesky, hungry uterus in check!

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