The Five Lesbians You Can’t Avoid



Some people are in my life for a reason. Gchat friends. Daytime drinkers. Work comrades. Harmless flirt. Talented. Pretty. Connected. Entertaining. I remember how we met and at least vaguely intend to see them again. Other people, specifically the individuals described below, are in my life for no conceivable reason. Primarily lesbians I meet at gay bars, these ladies have been asking, “What’s gooood?” and spilling drinks on my ankle for years without leaving a layered impression. Not good, not bad, just meh, they are like breathing shrubbery: pleasant but unnecessary. Happily the indifference is mutual. At events we pass each other peacefully, baring our teeth in greeting and whispering, “Seriously I see that girl everywhere.”

Like normal people, pointless people follow patterns. Here are 5 lesbians you will encounter, in different bodies, for the rest of your life. Until you die. Or just stop going out. Same thing.

1. The Girl Who Introduces Herself Every Time


“HI my name is HI my name is HI my name is CHLOEWHICHYOUDAMNWELLKNOW.” This type is infuriating, but I’m not one on to dwell on the negative when a delightful silver lining twinkles on the periphery. Don’t be annoyed; be annoying! After introducing yourself for the seventeenth time, look her straight in the eye and loudly ask for HER name. Then, fail to comprehend her name, and ask for clarification. Further clarification.


“I’m Melissa”
“No, Melissa.”
“Not like Anessa from The Real World”
“No like MELISSA”
“Oh, like the tree?”

Widen your eyes and accentuate your syllables as if you’ve just realized she’s not terribly bright.

“Your name, it’s like the tree, right? I’ve got one in my backyard.”
“NO it’s just Melissa, Melissa is a very common name.”
“Ohhhh I get it. Like the 16th century Scottish philosopher.”

Pretend to see someone much more important than Melissa and politely excuse yourself.

Melissa can never forget you now.

2. The Girl Who Hooks Up With All Your Friends


You can’t fight it. A couple weeks ago, I looked to my right, looked to my left, and then looked at the casual acquaintance who had just finished hooking up with the girl on my left and now trying to hook up with the girl on my right. A friend’s would-be seducer is tedious company, second only to your preening friend. Once the scent of fresh prey wafts through her flared nostrils, any interference will be taken as a grave threat. Avert your eyes and let her feast. It will be over soon enough. Funnily enough, this girl has a dramatic foil: The Girl With A Super Hot Friend. She is way more interesting.

3. The Girl Who Loves Dancing Too Much


Life is a dancefloor, God is a DJ, and this dyke will not stop moving.

“I just want to dance,” says me never. Dancing, like hiking, is a joyful form of physical expression that brings me no joy whatsoever. Last week my date casually said, “Sometimes I get into dance battles,” and I nearly fell off the couch. I like dancing with girls I want to make out with. That’s about it. The girl who really loves dancing is just feeling the music, man, and the music is taking her into an elaborate series of leaps. She feels it in her bones, feels all the feels to a Lady Gaga album. Always a little out of breath or like really thirsty, this girl is annoyed by nothing. She is too swept up in the dance. The glorious dance…

4. The Girl Who Should Really Be Getting Her Shit Together


Natural habitat: lurking by the bar with an aura of melancholy. She never misses a party and never gets a promotion. She nurses grand plans and vodka sodas with equal devotion, always with a showy scheme lurking just over the horizon, right past one more round. “I’m dying for a drink,” homegirl will murmur sadly, eyeing whatever you’ve got with naked longing, “but I’m just so poor right now.” Buy her one if you’re feeling generous, but never more; she’ll mooch you dry. This type can be lovely and grateful, or entitled and bratty; it’s all on a case by case basis. A good companion for those who enjoy a power trip, or are simply rich.

5. The Doppelganger Girls


Also known as “double homo, ” these lesbians are best friends and virtually indistinguishable. Are they dating? Maybe. More commonly, they’re just best friends with identical haircuts, outfits, and interests. Nothing odd about that. Birds of a feather. There’s a lot of bro twinsies lumbering around West Hollywood, and part of me always wonders if they have threesomes. Could be fun. Could be weird. Would probably be a lot of both. Being around doppleganger dykes is like being around toddler twins who at any moment might break into a secret special language. You don’t know what they’re thinking, but you know they’re thinking the same thing, and that’s rather disconcerting.

Are you half of dynamic lezbro duo? If so, DO you ever have threesomes? Or have you ever had a threesome with the double mint dykes? How was it? Answer these important questions and more in the comments, or on Tumblr and Twitter.

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