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The AfterEllen.com Huddle: What You Should Call Us

The New York Times says that the word homosexual is so passé, and they might have a point. They write that the all-encompassing term for those with same-sex inclinations is too “outdated and clinical,” but it’s still used as an acceptable term when talking about our community.

These days it’s rare to meet someone who says “I’m homosexual.” Instead, they are likely to say they are gay, lesbian, queer, bi, fluid, or free from labels altogether. But it’s inevitable we’ll be called something. So if homosexual is out, group, then what should replace it? What should we be called?

Dana Piccoli: I prefer Dana, but I am totally cool with lesbian. Homosexual feels kind of antiquated but I don’t find it offensive. I’ve always like the term “gay community” because it sounds like we are are always on the verge of having a nice picnic or potluck. I often use the word queer however in my writing, because I understand and respect that we all feel differently about our identities. One does not need to give up their identity in order to support the identity or expression of another.

Valerie Anne: I was actually talking to someone about this recently, about wanting a word that encompasses the entire LGBTQ community, that isn’t “the LGBTQ community.” For now, I use “queer” but I don’t love it. It has too much negative history to it. Besides, it means “weird” when it comes down to it. It means strange, odd. It still implies “other.”

I scoured other languages for a word and have come up with nothing. I considered “sparkly,” i.e. “Here’s a list of the hottest sparkly women on television” and it would mean lesbian/bisexual/trans* women (I believe this idea came post-Pride Parade when I was covered head to toe in glitter I didn’t arrive in). But that hasn’t quite caught on. For myself, I like “lesbian” because it fits me the best; I don’t mind “homosexual” but it sounds kind of clinical and cold. I don’t mind “gay” either but for some reason my brain tends to consider that to be a more masculine word. Though I’m still waiting for the day someone asks me directly if I’m gay so I can answer, “Am I gay? I’m ecstatic!”

Grace Chu: I prefer gay and lesbian. Homosexual is antiquated, but I find “queer” to be a loaded word. While it has been reclaimed, it has taken on a life of its own and has become associated with unnecessarily complicated politics that often devolve into oppression olympics and faux “I am for the people” jargon that these “common folks” learned in their fancy liberal arts colleges. No thank you. I don’t identify with the queer scene, I can see through the bullshit and it just rubs me the wrong way. I’m a lady lovin’ lady and that’s that. I am a lesbian. The end. (I am sure Marcie will agree.)

Heather Hogan: I like to use “homosexual” when I’m writing TV recaps sometimes because it’s just such a silly-sounding word that it makes things funnier. Like cattywampus or gardyloo or taradiddle or widdershins. It’s practically Seussical. Also, Tina Fey rescued it from having derisive power in Mean Girls with that home-schooling scene about how God created guns on the third day so man could fight the dinosaurs … and the homosexuals. So now every time I read “homosexuals” in a serious context from a Conservative writer, I only ever hear it like that. When I’m referring to my sexuality, I probably say “gay” or “lesbian” the most. I really like the word “queer” also because of that Judith Butler-y idea of how it’s a living, breathing, constantly evolving idea that gets in the cracks between solid things and blows up society’s archaic shit.

Marcie Bianco: Yes, I agree with Chuey. I’m a lesbian, and I think this specificity is important and, for me, integral to how I infuse my erotic life with my feminist politics.

Jill Guccini: While I probably most often refer to myself as a lesbian, I also really love the word queer, especially when I’m writing, because I feel like it refers to so many different types of folk who don’t feel comfortable using any other exact term. If you are 100% sure of your label, that’s awesome, and I agree that it can be the base for a much stronger-seeming political stance. But lesbian can seem like a rigid definition that doesn’t ring completely true for just as many people. If sexuality is a spectrum, then queer is the best word to use for it, or at least the word I feel most comfortable with. It’s like, when I’m explaining myself to the outside world, I use the word lesbian, but when I’m within our community, I like queer, which probably means that that’s the truer version of true.

I also feel like something about the word queer blends together the connections between sexuality and gender identities, which are not the same identities, but can often have complicated relationships to one another. Whereas “lesbian” leaves out gender entirely. Anyway, Heather’s description of it being a living and evolving thing is much better.

For a personal explanation: I am married to a woman. I know I am attracted to women. But I’ve been attracted to dudes in the past. If something crazy happened in the future and my wife passed away or something, could I be attracted to a dude again at some point? I don’t know! Maybe! Am I bisexual? I don’t know! But I definitely know I’m queer. However, Valerie, I would also totally embrace sparkly if the rest of the world came around to it.

Anyway, I think the most important thing to always stress that everyone’s preference is a personal choice, and there is no right or wrong.

Bridget McManus: I’m all lesbian all the time.

Dorothy Snarker: I tend to use gay, because brevity is the soul of wit. I know it lacks specificity, but sometimes it is nice to have an umbrella term for sexual otherness that is not the entire alphabet. But when exacting definition is required I like lesbian, as I like lesbians (well, most of us). I tend not to use homosexual in anything other than a joking context, because it’s just a fucking hilarious word. I sometimes use queer, but its lingering negativity is hard to shake no matter how hard we reclaim it. Bottom line, I’m just a big gaymo. Just don’t call me Portard.

Ali Davis: Ugh. This is where I admit that I haven’t figured out a good word to call myself. I used to say my sexual orientation is “Who’s Asking?” but people would just blink at me because they have no sense of humor when they’re trying to figure out what you are. I said “bi” for a long time because, while it wasn’t quite what I meant, I assumed that most people knew what the word itself means.

But a lot of straight people really don’t know what it means and they assume it means I insist on dating two people at the same time or that I date in a strict boy-girl progression or that the word itself has no meaning and I’m straight but into any freaky sex thing they care to imagine. …Which is the other problem with the word: the -sexual at the end of “bisexual” takes the conversation to a place neither of us wants it to go if we’re just meeting. It feels like immediately escalating from polite who-generally-catches-one’s-interest conversation to whom-one-likes-to-bang, which is a little much. (Usually.)

“Fluid” is probably the closest thing to accurate that can be said without a lot of hyphens (overwhelmingly-interested-in-women-but-occasionally-attracted-to-men-but-Jesus-the-way-they’re-socialized-is-a-bummer-so-yeah-women-but-it-hasn’t-always-been-that-way-so-it-feels-dishonest-to…) but then people really don’t know what “fluid” means, so they say “What?” which brings me back to “bi” to clarify.

I’ve been going with “queer” or “queerballs” lately because it feels like declaring myself as a part of the LGBTQ community and signifies “not straight” to a straight person and “not straight but not falsely claiming to be a lesbian” to a lesbian.

I’ve toyed with the idea of adopting “yam,” short for “I am what I am,” but I’m pretty sure that brings us back to “What?” So I may jump on board with “sparkly.”

And, yes, using “homosexual” is either hilarious or code for “I am uncomfortable with homosexuality, but I know I can’t use those other words in public anymore.”

I would like other people to refer to members of the LGBTQ community as citizens with full marriage and workplace rights. Or, for short, The Delectables!

Erika Star: I prefer Lesbian, lesbo or lezzer. Maybe Big Ol’ Homo if you’re feeling feisty.

Lucy Hallowell: I’m gay. Lesbian is a perfectly fine word and it certainly applies to me but I just don’t use the word very often. Chalk it up to the lingering negative connotations from middle school or the way is rolls off the tongue. Pardon me, what we’re we talking about? I got distracted by all this talk of tongues and lesbians. Oh right, homosexual. Hilarious, stupid word that belongs along with those other vestiges of days gone by like “water closet” and “ice box.”

Anna Pulley: I’ve said this before, but preferred descriptor is a sentence, not one word: “My heart is gay, but my vagina is less discriminatory.”

Dara Nai: I feel like “homosexual” is only used by old, white, male politicians and clergymen, so no thanks. “Gay” is an easy umbrella term that’s become benign, and “lesbian” is useful when we need to distinguish between us and gay men. (Because apart from marriage licenses and some Glee episodes, we have absolutely nothing in common.) I understand the attempt to defuse or reclaim the word “queer” but personally, I can’t stand it. While “queer” may give some users a sense of community or identity, or culture, to the outside world, it’s still a pejorative that only confirms our undesirable “otherness.”

Ultimately, I don’t care what someone else wants to call me. Just don’t call me during Scandal.

Kimberly Hoffmann: If I say “homosexual” in my head, my tone and accent changes, like a British professor in corduroy, it feels too “technical” like how paeonia suffruticosa is the species name for peony flowers. I don’t know that it ever had a nice ring to it, but now, it does seem like we are consciously moving out of “homosexual.” I think gay or queer is more up my alley. I say queer a lot more now, because it umbrellas mostly everything I’m typically describing. Maybe in 25 years we will take back “homosexual” or maybe we will just be “humans.”

Elaine Atwell: I usually describe myself as “gay” because it’s short, sweet, and doesn’t invite a whole bunch of questions. But I increasingly like “queer” when I write about our community because I think it’s funny, inclusive, and because it seems to have a little more ability to resist the constant policing of identity (especially fluid sexual identity) that goes on in a lot of comment sections.

Chloe: I like gay, as in “all gay every day boo boo” with a toss of the head and twinkle of the eye. In a moment of brilliance-ish (probs buzzed) I came up with the term “faguette” because I believe in taking back slurs and like the idea of reworking one of the ugliest words around-faggot-into a pretty word: faguette. Maybe I’m just partial to the ‘ette’ ending, because at age seven I named our puppy “Baguette” as she was a petit basset griffon vendeen and quite long.

Jenna Lykes: Reading through all these responses just made me sit back and think, “Language, man. Crazy,” like a total stoner.

But, seriously, language and the reclamation of words are complicated topics, and I don’t think I can really do them justice in the time and space allotted here. If I have to choose a word to describe myself, I generally go with “queer.” I think it’s inclusive, but also subversive (and probably some other -ive words, too). Also, I actually like that “queer” can still mean strange or odd, because I am both of those things.

The only word I can’t really get behind reclaiming is “dyke,” because, I kid you not, a boy in high school once used the taunt “Jenna Lykes dykes” on me. I don’t think I’ve ever fully recovered.

Janelle Sorenson: This is a really interesting conversation! In the past couple of years I have really settled on queer. It’s all-encompassing, it fits anyone who is even a little not-straight, and it feels right to me. Though I am a lesbian, I’ve never really felt completely myself wearing that word as my label to the world.

Though, when I hear the word lesbian, I always imagine Blanche Deverauex saying it in that episode of the Golden Girls when she finds out that a friend is a lesbian and not only that, but she’s attracted to Rose and not her. That fact makes me love that word all the more.

But I still prefer queer. For myself anyway.

Trish Bendix: Homosexual reminds me too much of a But I’m a Cheerleader-ex-gay-conversion therapy situation.

In theory, I’m probably queer, but I strongly identify as a lesbian as part of the greater “queer” community, which is, I think, the most-inclusive way of describing us all when needed.

What should we be “called”? What do you call yourself?

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