The Results Of The Great AE Nail Survey: Lesbians DGAF

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Almost 1700 women answered THE GREAT AFTERELLEN NAIL SURVEY  and you might be surprised with the results…but you probably won’t. Without further ado, here are the answers to all your lesbian nail related questions:

1. What do your nails look like now?

An overwhelming majority of lesbians (48%) are currently sporting short, bare nails without filing or buffing. 23% of lesbians have bare nails but keep them filed and buffed. 19% have short, polished nails (hello femmes), 6% need to check get a mani stat because their nails are “a mangy mess,” and finally just 4% of girls who like girls have long, polished nails.

Peter Som - Backstage - MADE Fashion Week Fall 2014

2. How would you prefer your nails to look?

Most of you seem pretty content with your nails because 40% responded “like they do now.” Yay for self satisfaction. 27% of you would prefer nails that look bare and manicured, 25% want polished and manicured nails, and only 8% want bare & un-manicured nails.

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3. How often, if ever, do you get a manicure?

Ya’ll DGAF: a majority of 53% responded “Never, hells no” to the prospect of attending to your talons in a salon. Coming in second, 36% of you only get a mani when your friend or family suggests it. A mere 11% of you get regular manicures: 7% monthly and 4% weekly.

A debutante receiving a pedicure and manicure at t

4. What are your preferred nail colors?

Are lesbians lazy, indifferent, or do we genuinely just like a bare nail? Maybe a combination of all the above? You guys don’t seem to love a lot of color: 36% say their preferred nail color is no nail color at all. Is it because you’re afraid of looking straight, or maybe just know that finger banging chips polish like no other?

Dark colors such as grey, black, and purple come in a close second with 27% of the vote. I feel like lesbians in general prefer dark, muted colors. Maybe to express our inner-angst or to seem dark and insightful. Or just because dark, muted colors look great on everyone. 17% like neutral shades, 14% go for shades of red, and only 6% want pink. Lesbians hate pink. I know that’s a really broad, overreaching statement to make, but seriously I have never met a lesbian who LOVED pink and I never see lesbians wearing pink. Except for me. I’m wearing pink right now. That’s probably why I have to actively convince people that I am gay and not bisexual: My great affection for pastels.

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5. Have you ever tried nail art?

Ain’t nobody got time for nail art, except for straight girls, who devote their time to weird pointless activities like nail art. Although I’d never personally do nail art, I will say that having nail art made me feel like a cooler, more together person. I may wear the same pair of yoga shorts for three days in a row but my nails are cool. Also when you have nail art people comment on your nail art and it’s all around a fabulous conversation starter, although still not worth the HOURS of painstaking tiny detail required to make nail art. I even tried to do my own nail art after the professional one chipped off and it looked like a middle schoolers half-assed blob doodle. Back to the results: 70% of you have never tried nail art, 26% have tried nail art, and 4% have no idea what nail art is. I’m actually surprised that so many of you have experimented with nail art. Did any of your attempts turn out well?

ICB By Prabal Gurung - Backstage - Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week Fall 2014

6. How often do you trim/file your nails at home?

It warms my heart to know most lesbians are keeping their claws in check. 45% of your trim/file weekly, 22% biweekly, 16% multiple times a week (OCD or just insanely fast growing nails?) 10% when your nails are too long to type (terrifying). and 7% monthly. I’ll assume the latter two types are not having sex/have given up. Or just really wanna chop up a vag. Or are Real L Word Sada, whose nails could cut glass. Whitney must have a vag of steel.

Concept Korea - Backstage - Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week Fall 2014

7. How do you prefer a girl’s nails to look?

Most of you don’t care and that cheers me up because sometimes, like today, my nails do not look cute. 45% of you don’t care how a girl’s nails look. 28% like them short and polished, 26% prefer short and unpolished, and a mere 1% like those long Sada claws.

butter LONDON at Band of Outsiders Spring 2013

8. Ever accidentally scratched (or been scratched) during sex?

Part of me wants to tell you my scratching during sex story but I won’t because it’s too embarrassing. Let’s just say it was during the first couple months of my lesbianism and I did not yet know about the necessity of short nails. I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. Most of you have been spared similar trauma: 60% said no and 40% said yes. Count yourself lucky, 60%: it’s an experience you never forget.

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Thank you so much to everyone who voted! What do you think of the results? Are you surprised or nonplussed? Let us know below!

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