Hi, Hooker-Uppers! I’m doing short answers this week because January just won’t end and my attention span is shot and because brevity is a nice word. Let’s do this!
I’m bi, 19, not in college, and live in a decent-sized city. Where do I meet women if not in bars?
Anna Says: Never underestimate the potential of Gap dressing rooms. Just kidding! At our most base, we are all just girls, staring at other girls through our computer screens, hoping someone will want to spend time with us naked. To that end, girls are everywhere! On your train, in the rain, with a fox, in big box stores, etc. (as Dr. Seuss once told me). There’s no fool-proof way to meet queer women, but your odds are better of meeting them if you do a bunch of activities you like doing (but not, like, reading, which is great, just not for meeting the ladeez).
Go out and do ALL THE THINGS, even better if one of those things involve a somewhat gay angle, like volunteering for an LGBT community center or taking a class on stripping a motorcycle engine or something. But it can be any activity really. The point is to meet people. Just people, not even necessarily people you want to see naked. Those new friends might be able to introduce you to their hot friends. Because most of us still meet our partners through mutual friends and acquaintances, though online dating is catching up and shouldn’t be ignored, even though it’s annoying.
I want to hook up.—Sent from my Phone
Anna Says: Why thank you, SFMP. But since I’m sober, I require at least a first name. Maybe next email.
I’m dating a girl who looks like my recent ex. Does this mean I still have baggage like my friends say?
Anna Says: Probably! Better go out and date someone who looks like Gollum just to prove your friends wrong!
But really, I don’t know, man. It may just mean you have a “type.” Or that lesbians need to commit to fashion diversity like they’ve committed to every other kind of diversity. Fine, I’ll say it—I’m over the undercut! Your friends know you better than I do, but do they have this degree in Relationship Columnoscopy? I didn’t think so. Base your worries instead on whether she treats you well, whether you click, and if the sex is good, and you’ll be fine.
My girlfriend’s dildo looks way too much like a real penis. It kinda skeeves me out. Can I tell her?
Anna Says: That’s the kind of worry you should take to your grave, son! Along with the secret child you conceived with the mailman and the one time you fantasized about Kenny Loggins.
It’s perfectly normal to have sex toy preferences, particularly if you are using those toys together. Just be like, “Babe, this dong gives me the willies. I’d rather bone you using this thing with the cute, vibrating beaver on it.” Unless the dildo was, like, a $3,000 replica penis of someone really famous. Then you have to use it. Ron Jeremy and I apologize on your behalf.
I hang out with a mostly straight lady crowd (I know, haha). The problem isn’t that I am sleeping with any of them, but rather that their boyfriends are weirdly jealous of me. Some of them have asked that I don’t hang out one-on-one with their girlfriends. I don’t know if this is homophobia or fear that I will steal their girlfriends, but what can I do?
Anna Says: Ugh. This is a straight (ahem) case of Other People’s Problems—meaning they don’t have anything to do with you. If any of your friend’s boyfriends asks you not to hang out with your own friends, tell him to fuck off. Or if you are feeling more polite, tell him that if he has trust issues with his girlfriend, that’s his problem, not yours, and it’s rude and stereotypical of him to think you are being in any way predatory. And seriously, fuck off.
My gyno keeps trying to get me on the pill. Do I need to come out to her?
Anna Says: It’s a good idea, yes. and not simply so she’ll stop annoyingly pushing birth control on you. Your doctor can better help you if he/she knows all your habits and lifestyle and medical history details. Also, there are some STDS and sexual health problems that are more common in LGBT folks (and not just HIV/AIDS). Plus, your relationship with your doc should be based on trust. If you can’t talk about sex, then that’s a bad sign. If you come out and your doctor is judgmental or weird, then it might be time to find a new gyno. But they have a professional code of conduct they’re supposed to adhere to, so hopefully it won’t be an issue. For more FAQs on coming out to your doctor, read this.
My straight girl friend said, “I wish I could find a boyfriend just like you.” I should … ?
Or kiss her. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Hailing from the rough-and-tumble deserts of southern Arizona, where one doesn’t have to bother with such trivialities as “coats” or “daylight savings time,” Anna Pulley is a freelance writer living in San Francisco. Find her at annapulley.com and on Twitter @annapulley. Send her your The Hook Up questions at firstname.lastname@example.org.