Great news, everyone! There’s a cure for bisexuality!

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This post is a satirical Hulk!smash response to an article published at Liberty Voice titled “Johnny Depp has found the cure for Amber Heard’s bisexuality.” 

Update: All quotes in this post were pulled directly from the original article at Liberty Voice, which has now been deleted. The site’s editors have issued an apology; you will find it in the comments below. 

For centuries, doctors and scientists have been researching a cure for one of the world’s most dangerous pandemics: bisexuality. Like the Black Death, which claimed the lives of 200 million Europeans in the 12th century, bisexuality is a plague that affects not only the carrier of the disease, but also everyone who comes in contact with him or her. Bisexual men and women are, scientifically-speaking, people who cannot make up their minds about which type of sex organs they prefer to have pressed against their own sex organs. The presence of a penis causes them to lunge for a vagina which causes them to grapple for a penis which causes them to prowl for a vagina which causes them to hunt down a penis which causes them to march toward a vagina. Unsure whether they are gay or straight, bisexuals roam the earth, day and night, in a perpetual state of ping-pong intercourse, luring unsuspecting women and men into their confounded clutches.

But that’s not even the most dangerous reverberation of the pandemic. Because bisexual men and women are constantly doing everyone, they have no scruples about also doing anything. Murder, adultery, thievery, bribery, creeping, trolling, larceny, arson, tagging their hate on Tumblr: Why the heck not? Anyone that sexes everyone is clearly clinically bananas.

Like dirty socks, which were once thought to cure sore throats; and rattlesnakes, which were once believed to cure rheumatism; and rolling over three times in a row when you hear the call of a whip-poor-will, which was a touted cure for backaches, many remedies have been tried to cure the plague of bisexuality — to no avail.

But good news is on the horizon. Pirate/barber/rum-runner/Mad Hatter Johnny Depp has finally honed in on a solution. Bisexuality, it seems, can be cured by a girl’s best friend.

No, not a bisexual woman’s human best friend. How preposterous! Bisexuals sleep with their best friends. And your best friends. And your best friends’ best friends. No, the cure for bisexuality is a girl’s metaphorical best friend — diamonds. Piles and piles of shiny diamonds.

Botticelli-Map-of-the-HellBotticelli’s Mappa dell’Inferno (Map of Hell) depicting bisexuals in the ninth circle.

According to a new entry in the scientific research journal Liberty Voice, Dr.  Gabriela Motroc explains how Johnny Depp developed this medical breakthrough. First, Depp tried to woo his Rum Diary co-star (and now-fiance) Amber Heard by giving her a horse, perhaps a symbolic gesture to remind her that beautiful creatures must often be broken of their natural inclinations if they mean to live their most useful lives. However, according to Motroc, the horse was an ineffective remedy. She reports: “It took more than a horse to bring this Southern beauty back to heterosexuality.”

After failing to mend Heard’s bisexuality with equine affection, Depp began to treat her symptoms a different way. Motroc’s research shows that Depp knew “nothing says commitment like an avalanche of diamonds” so he put a diamond ring on her finger to “remind her of the ladies’ oldest rule: that a woman’s best friend is a diamond.” And it worked! She agreed to marry him! Motroc reports that Depp continued to shower Heard with “gifts for good heterosexual behavior”: a set of diamond earrings, a diamond pendant, a “massive gem,” a “a large stone in a sophisticated platinum setting,” all of which Depp knew would “stimulate her dedication to heterosexuality.”

Holbein-deathWolgemut’s Danse Macabre (The Dance of Death) depicting the bubonic plague/a bisexual nightclub.

Unfortunately it’s not medically possible for any diamond or diamond-giver to heal the contagion of bisexuality. Motroc postulates that the size of the diamond is as important as the fact that the gifter of the diamond has a penis. “The gesture has a deep meaning when coming from a man,” Motroc explains, especially when it is a”gigantic size.” (The diamond, not the wang.)

However, Motroc warns that one must have a Scrooge McDuck-sized vault of diamonds on hands because the bisexual scourge must constantly be treated with new diamonds. Also, as a general precaution, treatment facilities for bisexual women should be located far away from any vaginas. For now, Depp “seems to have found a way to distract [Heard's] attention from other women. Since diamonds are a girl’s best friend, Depp could be aiming at replacing every female friend in Heard’s life with such a gem.”

With luck and the help of a whole heap of shiny rhinestones, perhaps the world will soon be rid of this bamboozled sexual outbreak.

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