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The Hook Up: How do you bounce back after difficult times?

My partner and I have been together for four years. We went through a bit of a rough patch about two years ago. By “rough patch” I mean something pretty drastic and difficult in our lives happened that sent us into damage control and survival mode. Things are better now but I find that we’re still not connecting like we used to. I understand that relationships change and shift. I’m not expecting us to be like we were before. We love each other a lot but our intimacy/sex life is really strained and awkward. It seems like we just can’t seem to get it to click anymore.

So I guess my questions (yes I’m sneaking in a few) are these: How do couples bounce back after prolonged difficult times? How do you find a new normal? What if our sex life never resembles something that I’m happy with? How do you decide if you’re willing to sacrifice that to stay with someone you love?-Hugh-Man-Bean

Anna says: That’s a tall order, Hugh. Or may I call you Ms. Bean?

My last girlfriend and I weathered a lot of tough times over the three years we were together-a parent’s death, another parent’s battle with cancer, moving to a new city where we didn’t know anyone, being unemployed for six months in a city we couldn’t afford to be unemployed in, etc. The worst of it happened all in one year, and while it certainly brought us together and I probably would have collapsed without her love and support, our rough patch also masked and muted many of our bigger problems, problems that I couldn’t see clearly until we were breaking up. One of which was our sex life. To call it “strained” would be sugar-coating. It was more like non-existent. And while the reality of it was far more complicated than can be summarized here, I told myself that her love was enough, that the sex didn’t ultimately matter that much in comparison to the life we shared. Once we broke up, however, I realized that was far from true, and vowed to try like hell not to settle again for what I considered to be an affectionate friendship when what I wanted was passion and intimacy and reruns on Netflix and romance and affection and late nights and even later mornings and burning beds.

This isn’t to say our situations are similar, though the trappings may be. Your life is unique to you and only you have the answers. You might not even root out those answers until something drastic has happened-maybe a break from your relationship, maybe a renewal of vows or faith, maybe something else you can’t even imagine right now-but what you can do is keep asking yourself the questions you asked me in your letter, to keep talking with your partner about your fears and hopes and awkward sex concerns, and to keep striving for your truest version of happiness, whatever that may look like.

All couples have tough times, some more drastic and heart-stopping than others, and sometimes those times bring us closer together, and sometimes they force us to grow quietly apart. I can’t say if either of those scenarios might be the case for you, but I can say that “bouncing back” and “new normals” aren’t something to be found or stumbled upon. They are created from within. Lasting love is something that evolves and changes just as we ourselves evolve and change. But in order for that to occur, you and your partner must also be willing and capable of trying to make that change happen. Talk to her. Does she feel the same way about your sex life? Does she feel you aren’t “clicking” anymore, and is it due to the rough patch, or being ravaged by grief and she just needs more time, or is it something else entirely? What are some things that in the past made you both feel connected and loved and desired? What might you do or say or leave out or temporarily ignore to feel that way again? I don’t mean new lingerie or dirty couples dice games (but I don’t NOT mean them either).

I want you to reach down into the guts of things and root around for the truth that lives in the struggles and the sorrows and the bliss and the ecstatic and be honest with yourself about what you find. My last relationship made me reconsider the importance that sex has in my love life, but it had to break my heart first in order for me to realize it.

You asked me several questions, but I’m turning one back on you: What are you willing to sacrifice to stay with someone you love?

I’ve been seeing this woman for a few months now. She’s one of those swaggering, leather jacket-wearing lesbians that oozes confidence and has a well-known reputation as a player. We’ve been hooking up for sex, and that’s the extent of our relationship, but I think I’m falling for her and I hate myself for it. But when we’re together her reputation and presence just don’t add up. She’s giving in bed and so thoughtful, remembering things I’ve said and little details (and SO cuddly). She layered and talks about fricking Virginia Woolf for goodness sake. She uses “sir” and “ma’am” to talk to complete strangers and waves at babies in prams, but at the same time I hear all these stories of girls she’s screwed over, cheated on, etc. She’s even admitted it to me and doesn’t seem at all remorseful. She describes herself as “a bit of a dick” but I know from being with her that that’s just not true. She’s a walking contradiction. My friend’s think she’s bad news but I can’t help myself.-Sent From Windows Mail

Anna says: Are leathered lesbians supposed to hate babies? Is that a thing? Because I think most of us-even the toughest, badassest, Navy SEALs, shark-wrestling biker-pirates-still think puppies are cute, you know? We are allowed to like Virginia Woolf AND Pat Califia, Sent, to be both thoughtful and selfish in bed, to enjoy cuddling and steel-toed boots. Humans are contradictions, all of us. That’s basically the definition of humanity. So let’s worry less about her “reputation” as it were (though you should probably always listen when someone tells you they are a dick), and focus instead on your relationship.

You started casual but now feelings are involved. (Look, another contradiction!) There’s no need to hate yourself for your newfound falling-feelings. Falling-feelings are good! You like her. You’re smitten even. Buuuut, those feelings happen to lie outside your pre-approved agreement for Just The Sex Please. So. You have two choices. Well, three actually. You can squelch those love-feelings, pretend like you’re fine with the no-strings-attached agreement, and hope your crush passes. Or, you can tell your hot, leathered lady that while you didn’t plan it, a feelings garden has sprouted in your chest, and what do you say, do you want to explore that? Or, you can stop sleeping with her, end your casual arrangement, and seek out another lady altogether who wants the whole sex-feelings package and doesn’t compare herself to a wang.

I vote for option number two, personally. It’s the riskier one, especially if you don’t want to give up the sexytimes, but it’s also the most honest one, and potentially has the biggest payoff. It’s up to you, of course. It’s also quite possible that your crush will pass, given enough time and possibilities for you to witness her dickishness first-hand. If she really is a tiny penis, it will be revealed eventually, and it sounds like it has a little already, what with the cheating and the no-remorse business. Here in Hook Up Land, we are big fans of directness and truth-telling, even when it’s awkward and awful in the short-term. Besides, maybe she has feelings for you as well, and wants to make babies that she will then smile at because babies are cute. You never know until you ask.

Will you? Prove you’re most badass of all and tell your Harley Hottie that you’d like to cuddle with her on the regular.

p.s. And while we’re at it, was this a typo? “She layered and talks about fricking Virginia Woolf for goodness sake.” Or is layering the new tough thing? Or did you mean lawyered, like she got a lawyer to follow her around so as to appear more intimidating? I have a lot of questions this week, it seems.

Hailing from the rough-and-tumble deserts of southern Arizona, where one doesn’t have to bother with such trivialities as “coats” or “daylight savings time,” Anna Pulley is a freelance writer living in San Francisco. Find her at annapulley.com and on Twitter @annapulley. Send her your The Hook Up questions at [email protected].

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