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What kind of lesbian are you?

At 19 I wore overalls and came out to the strains of Indigo Girls’ “Mystery.” I fell in love with my women’s studies 101 TA and hung out at the local feminist bookstore, scampering to hide in the Lesbian Erotica aisle when she looked my way. Still, I thought myself singular. Now I live in perhaps the queerest neighborhood in Chicago, practice yoga and wear Birkenstocks in the summer, albeit the fashionable kind. Maybe it’s time to admit I’m not as unique as I think. It’s in this spirit of self-acceptance and branding I bring you:

Brand: Lucky Brand

Starbucks Drink: Pumpkin Spice Latte

Hobbies: Playing bags, fantasizing about Laura Prepon, waiting in line for brunch

By Day: Manager at Bed, Bath and Beyond

By Night: Candy Crush

  Brand: Gap

Starbucks Drink: Tall coffee, cream and sugar

Hobbies: Watching football, reminiscing about that time she saw Ferron at Red Lobster, accusing her girlfriend of being attracted to men

By Day: Basketball Coach

By Night: Asleep

  Brand: Levis

Starbucks Drink: Grande Americano

Hobbies: Target practice, driving too fast, making bitches swoon

By Day: Whatever it is, she’s the boss.

By Night: Dive bar

  Brand: Indie Thrift Store (i.e. Buffalo Exchange)

Starbucks Drink: You’re kidding, right?

Hobbies: Telling you how little she paid for everything, blaming her ex-girlfriend, Al-Anon

By Day: Running a homeless shelter

By Night: Still working on her dissertation

  Brand: Bebe

Starbucks Drink: Venti Caramel Frappuccino

Hobbies: Texting and driving, cardio strip classes, passing as straight

By Day: Pharmaceutical Sales

By Night: Hanging out with Tila Tequila

  Brand: H&M Menswear

Starbucks Drink: Shaken black tea lemonade

Hobbies: Standing in line for the latest iPhone, reading Esquire, stalking gay men to take notes on their style

By Day: Best Buy Geek Squad

By Night: On an Okcupid date

  Brand: Ann Taylor

Starbucks Drink: Grande Earl Grey in a Venti cup

Hobbies: Analyzing the post feminist implications of Sandra Bullock movies, running a tumblr devoted to Jack Halberstam, publishing or perishing

By Day: Teaching Queer Studies

By Night: Secretly reading Modern Bride

 

Brand: Urban Outfitters with all identifying labels ripped out

Starbucks Drink: Soy Cappuccino

Hobbies: Playing Cards Against Humanity, holding a piece of bacon to her upper lip and pretending it’s a mustache

By Day: Trust Fund

By Night: Obsessively checking Ebay for the perfect cigar-box guitar

  Brand: Birkenstock

Starbucks Drink: Tall mint tea

Hobbies: Saying “namaste” to bus drivers, canvasing, attending a unitarian church

By day: Massage therapist

By Night: Crosswords and a cat

  Brand: Doc Martin

Starbucks Drink: Dirty Chai

Hobbies: Paring lacy black slips with combat boots, snapping pictures of street harassers, forgetting to wash her hair

By Day: Sells sex toys

By Night: Uses sex toys

  Brand: PacSun

Starbucks Drink: Grande Iced Coffee

Hobbies: Surfing, Smoking pot, surfing. Did we mention surfing?

By Day: See above re: surfing

By Night: Beach bonfire

  Brand: Wildfang

Starbucks Drink: Red Eye

Hobbies: Wearing inappropriate shoes to hike Runyon, hanging out at Cafe Tropical while respectable people are at work, hooking up with straight girls

By Day: Underwear model

By Night: Part of Miley Cyrus‘s entourage

 

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Brand: Whole Foods brand clothing

Starbucks Drink: Chai Latte with Soy

Hobbies: researching colleges for her twin three-year-olds, reading Gwyneth Paltrow‘s blog, training for a marathon

By Day: Runs a small artesian soap business

By Night: A glass of red wine in the tub

 

Which type are you?

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