At 19 I wore overalls and came out to the strains of Indigo Girls’ “Mystery.” I fell in love with my women’s studies 101 TA and hung out at the local feminist bookstore, scampering to hide in the Lesbian Erotica aisle when she looked my way. Still, I thought myself singular. Now I live in perhaps the queerest neighborhood in Chicago, practice yoga and wear Birkenstocks in the summer, albeit the fashionable kind. Maybe it’s time to admit I’m not as unique as I think. It’s in this spirit of self-acceptance and branding I bring you:
Brand: Lucky Brand
Starbucks Drink: Pumpkin Spice Latte
Hobbies: Playing bags, fantasizing about Laura Prepon, waiting in line for brunch
By Day: Manager at Bed, Bath and Beyond
By Night: Candy Crush
Brand: Gap
Starbucks Drink: Tall coffee, cream and sugar
Hobbies: Watching football, reminiscing about that time she saw Ferron at Red Lobster, accusing her girlfriend of being attracted to men
By Day: Basketball Coach
By Night: Asleep
Brand: Levis
Starbucks Drink: Grande Americano
Hobbies: Target practice, driving too fast, making bitches swoon
By Day: Whatever it is, she’s the boss.
By Night: Dive bar
Brand: Indie Thrift Store (i.e. Buffalo Exchange)
Starbucks Drink: You’re kidding, right?
Hobbies: Telling you how little she paid for everything, blaming her ex-girlfriend, Al-Anon
By Day: Running a homeless shelter
By Night: Still working on her dissertation
Brand: Bebe
Starbucks Drink: Venti Caramel Frappuccino
Hobbies: Texting and driving, cardio strip classes, passing as straight
By Day: Pharmaceutical Sales
By Night: Hanging out with Tila Tequila
Brand: H&M Menswear
Starbucks Drink: Shaken black tea lemonade
Hobbies: Standing in line for the latest iPhone, reading Esquire, stalking gay men to take notes on their style
By Day: Best Buy Geek Squad
By Night: On an Okcupid date
Brand: Ann Taylor
Starbucks Drink: Grande Earl Grey in a Venti cup
Hobbies: Analyzing the post feminist implications of Sandra Bullock movies, running a tumblr devoted to Jack Halberstam, publishing or perishing
By Day: Teaching Queer Studies
By Night: Secretly reading Modern Bride
Brand: Urban Outfitters with all identifying labels ripped out
Starbucks Drink: Soy Cappuccino
Hobbies: Playing Cards Against Humanity, holding a piece of bacon to her upper lip and pretending it’s a mustacheBy Day: Trust Fund
By Night: Obsessively checking Ebay for the perfect cigar-box guitar
Brand: Birkenstock
Starbucks Drink: Tall mint tea
Hobbies: Saying “namaste” to bus drivers, canvasing, attending a unitarian church
By day: Massage therapist
By Night: Crosswords and a cat
Brand: Doc Martin
Starbucks Drink: Dirty Chai
Hobbies: Paring lacy black slips with combat boots, snapping pictures of street harassers, forgetting to wash her hair
By Day: Sells sex toys
By Night: Uses sex toys
Brand: PacSun
Starbucks Drink: Grande Iced Coffee
Hobbies: Surfing, Smoking pot, surfing. Did we mention surfing?
By Day: See above re: surfing
By Night: Beach bonfire
Brand: Wildfang
Starbucks Drink: Red Eye
Hobbies: Wearing inappropriate shoes to hike Runyon, hanging out at Cafe Tropical while respectable people are at work, hooking up with straight girls
By Day: Underwear model
By Night: Part of Miley Cyrus‘s entourage
Getty Images
Brand: Whole Foods brand clothing
Starbucks Drink: Chai Latte with Soy
Hobbies: researching colleges for her twin three-year-olds, reading Gwyneth Paltrow‘s blog, training for a marathon
By Day: Runs a small artesian soap business
By Night: A glass of red wine in the tub
Which type are you?