Sometimes it would be a lot easier if we all wore rainbow flags to signal our gayness to possible dates. It’d also be great to have something that said “uninterested” when a dude approaches. (For lesbians, that is. If you’re bisexual, it might be a different story!)
This week, we shared how we deal if a member of the opposite sex is coming on to us. Some of us took this more seriously than others.
Grace Chu: “Oh, you are quite a handsome guy! But I’m gay. Do you have a sister?”
Chloe: “Your body repulses me.”
Heather Hogan: One idea is to follow him to the top of a lighthouse and stab him in the gut with a pocket knife.
Marcie Bianco: I have very little patience for men in general—Feminist Killjoy! So, I flat out say, “I don’t like men.” If that confuses them, I say, “I’m a lesbian. Again, I don’t like men.” If, being of the Neanderthal kind, my language still baffles them, I say, “Get away from me. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARE COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH?!?!”
Karman Kregloe: N/A (I’ll let you know if it ever happens.)
Ali Davis: Even as a bi girl, I’ve never had a problem with, “Thanks, but I’m just more interested in women right now.” It usually leads to an interesting conversation and the guy saves face. Worst-case scenario is that I have to escalate to being hung up on one woman in particular, which is often completely true.
Jill Guccini: If I think a guy is actually hitting on me, I normally go, “Uhhhhh,” and then freak out and run away. Wait, everyone doesn’t do that? FOR THE RECORD, I feel I should clarify that I would also freak out and run away if girls ever hit on me. I would just maybe run away slightly slower. Hahaha flirting is weird.
Dana Piccoli: First I pass out from shock. When I come to, and he’s offering me a glass of water, I grab him by the popped collar of his polo shirt and just softly whisper, “Rosebud.”
Actually, I just usually politely decline. I don’t think it’s ever really bothered me if a gent hits on me. Even if it’s not reciprocated, it’s still a little flattering. Plus, I’d hate to think that straight women I accidentally hit on in the past were super offended by it. Free drinks for all!!!
Kim Hoffman: This literally just happened to me at a dive bar a few nights ago (on the night of the full moon no less, so of course WEIRD things were bound to happen) I was having a drink with my girlfriend when a dude walks up and hands me a rose and says, “See the guy with long hair over there? This is from him.” I immediately shook my head and said, “I can’t accept that. I’m here with my girlfriend.” He then responded with, “I’m just the messenger. Are you really not going to take this flower?” And I said, “That’s right. I’m really not. I have a girlfriend. I’m gay. The end.”
If there’s anything I love out of a moment like that, it’s that sudden straight-man-realization that lipstick-long-haired-me is actually not playing on their team and has no interest in doing so. As a side note however: I respect a dude with long hair.
Punky Starshine: I usually make small-talk, and I only pull the lesbian card if I sense he’s not noticing my not-interested body language. Once a guy used a god-awful pick up line on me, and I laughed in his face and told him a) I’m a lesbian, so you didn’t have a chance anyway, but b) you can’t ever use that on a female ever again. (I get a little brave and a lot sassy when I drink.) Next thing I knew, I had a gaggle of guys asking me to rate their pick-up lines on a scale of “one to never.” It was hilarious. Spoiler alert: Most of them were “never.”
Lucy Hallowell: When I take my sticking up all over the place hair, college hockey team emblazoned hoodie, baggy ass, whatever my kids ate for breakfast covered jeans wearing self to the playground with my crazy ass kids, you bet your sweet bippy that all the dads sidle right up and say “How you doin’?” I’m a catch, so how can you blame them?
In truth I can’t remember the last time a dude hit on me. Sometimes they hit on my wife and she gets super flustered and I get a strange mix of proud and jealous. Usually a short, “I’m married” will do. If not the longer “I’m married—to a woman,” sends them packing.
Elaine Atwell: I have been known to duck under the bar, hide in the bathroom, or (true story) SPRINT DOWN THE STREET in an effort to avoid dealing with people hitting on me when I’m unavailable. I just don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings. p.s. my girlfriend asked me to include, “And then you go tell me all about it because you think you’re SO AWESOME because a boy hit on you.”
Who wouldn’t want a date with this guy?
Bridget McManus: I use my middle finger.
Emily Hartl: It’s such a weird thing that happens so infrequently I usually don’t know that it’s happening until it’s in full effect. Once realized, though, I have the awesome out of just saying, “Oh, wow, so flattered, but I’m married” and leaving it at that. I have a complex about unnecessarily revealing my sexuality to strange men regardless of their intentions so I love the wedding ring out. Such is the plight of being a wild femme!
Dara Nai: I’m not hostile or rude to anyone, and it doesn’t matter if it’s a man or a woman. Everyone gets the same civil treatment—I’m an equal opportunity rejector. But I don’t use “Sorry pal, I’m gay,” to shoo the guys away. Why would I tell a total stranger anything about myself? And why do they deserve an explanation? Playing the gay card mildly implies they might have a chance, were it not for that one pesky fact. On a side note, if someone is hitting on my wife, I don’t do a thing. It’s a compliment for me and she can totally take care of herself. People have been hitting on her all the time, everywhere, since high school—she knows what to do. And, she uses her face to get us hotel upgrades. We win!
Eboni Rafus: As a bisexual woman, the way i turn down men I am uninterested in is often the same way I turn down women. I simply say that I flattered but unavailable. Most people leave it at that.
Nicole Schultz: I think now I will just start saying I have a baby. That should end things rather quickly.