“Painkiller Jane” Recaps: Episode 1.2 “Toy Soldiers”

You are so busted — Across town, someone is climbing into a tank when a swarm of armed G-men descend and take aim. I guess no one bothered to tell the G-men that the purloined vehicle in question is a tank, and therefore armed. A lot. The driver points his tank at one of the G-men’s cars and blows it to bits. But before the driver can get all Smoky and the Bandit on us, one of those crafty G-men tosses an explosive under the tank and smokes the driver out.

The G-men open fire with about a million rounds of ammo as the tank thief makes a run for it. They handcuff his corpse and lock his body in an armored car.

Go on, take the neuro and run — The driver and passenger in the armored car just happen to be Jane and The Ugly One, respectively. (And yeah, I do get a slight kick out of the fact that she is the one doing the driving.) They’re both decked out in military fatigues, and The Ugly One is gloating about their “interception” in that way that absolutely guarantees a SNAFU.

The Ugly One also asks why she’s driving so fast since their cargo is dead (one can only assume he wasn’t paying attention at the last Geek Squad briefing about the zombified nature of the weapon thieves).

Jane: [snidely] And here I thought you were an adrenaline junky.
The Ugly One: Not when a woman’s driving.

Oh really? Jane steps on the gas, accelerating to over 100 mph. The Ugly One’s knuckles, once just dragging the ground, now flap in the wind behind him.

Doctor, doctor, give me the news — Back at Geek Headquarters, Dr. McDorky examines the (for now) corpse and tells Jane and Andre that it is not that of a neuro. Oh yeah, and one other thing: This guy’s been dead for five weeks. Creepy music swells, urging the corpse to open his eyes and leap at them from the slab. But he doesn’t. Psych!

Digging in the dirt — At a spooky cemetery (Did they really have to go at night? Couldn’t this field trip wait until morning?) a groundskeeper tells the Geek Squad that the body in question went missing two days ago, despite around-the-clock surveillance. The Ugly One announces that the grave was broken out of, not into.

Drinking on the job — Back at Headquarters, Riley is swigging a beer and watching an old zombie movie when the team returns. Riley snaps to attention and gives the latest update on the corpse. Aaron Hawkings was 27 years old when he died from a hereditary heart condition, and he wasn’t the only one. In between brewskis, Riley turns up a dozen other cases of stolen corpses, and he displays their files for the group.

Andre: All young.
Maureen: And hot.
Riley: Yeah, but they’re dead.
Maureen: You haven’t been on some of my dates.

Yeah, and neither have you, Maureen. Heh.

All of the victims were male, under 30 and in excellent physical condition. The Ugly One figures this means a woman was behind the thefts (What, a necrophiliac, genius?), but Andre thinks that the men are being drafted into an army of the dead. I guess that’s why he’s in charge.

He also figures that all of this body/munitions snatching is building up to an attempt on the president’s life.

Maureen: [raising her hand] Um, for the newer members of the class — what the hell are you talking about?
Riley: Obviously a neuro who can raise the dead.
Maureen: Obviously. Can that happen?

Maureen innocently asks how it’s possible, and in return gets a snotty speech from Andre about how all of this (i.e., the entire premise of the series) is impossible to the point of being ridiculous. Oh Andre, so many AfterEllen.com readers would agree.

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