Piper is sorting through her mail, when she comes across a red Valentine card envelope return addressed with a heart and the initials AV. She immediately tosses it in the trash. She’s not feeling the love. Unlike Flacca and Maritza, who know that any good love story ends with a pizza. Maybe Alex should have sent Papa John’s instead.
The Valentine’s party is in full swing. There are cookies, cylindrical fried foods, and Flacca and Maritza even have some secret toilet hooch. Bennett and a very put out Healy are in charge of chaperoning the event. Bennett makes the mistake of talking to Healy about women, and gets nothing but terrible advice. Bennett sees Daya by the punch (which gives me Luce and Rachel feels) and tries to apologize for earlier. Daya doesn’t want words, she wants some action, and demands that he take her somewhere private. He takes her to Caputo’s empty office, where once again the houseplants are subject to things they shouldn’t have to see. Meanwhile, poor lost Jimmie wanders through the prison alone, eventually finding her way out an unlocked door and into the night.
Poussey is alone in the library reading when Taystee comes up behind her, covering her eyes. She sits down across from Poussey and tells her to close her eyes and open her mouth. Poussey does as asked and thinks for a moment that Taystee is about to kiss her. She even leans in like a regular Paige McCullers. Alas, it’s not Taystee’s lips she feels, but a cigarette. Taystee is beyond excited about this new turn of events, but Poussey knows it’s nothing but bad news.
Flash back to Poussey’s room in Germany, where her distraught girlfriend begs Poussey to take her with when she goes back to the states. She loves Poussey, but Poussey throws up her walls, pretending not to love her back. But she does, so very much.
Bennett zips up his pants, pleased as prison punch that Daya is in a better mood. Daya presents him with a picture she’s drawn of the two of them, just hanging out on the couch with their imaginary dog. Oh, and there is a pizza! He loves it. She pulls out a Valentine’s card that she assumes he secretly sent to her. Bennett never sent a card though, and immediately realizes that it’s from Pornstache.
Back at the swinging party, Piper is walking around asking the women questions for the newsletter. When she approaches Red’s crew of mature ladies, they think her questions about love are ridiculous. They are more receptive when she changes the subject to the work being done around the prison. Healy sees them all laughing and cooperating with Piper and gives her a wink. Later, he leaves the party to call Katya. She doesn’t pick up so he leaves her a message, partially in Russian, wishing her a happy Valentine’s Day and promising to make her proud one day.
Line dancing is happening at the party now, which means it’s on. Of to the side, Soso is ruining Ferris Beuller’s Day Off for Sophia with her conspiracy theories and managing to piss Sister Ingalls at the same time. Don’t fuck with Ferris Bueller, Soso. Nicky walks over to offer a suggestion. “Next time, just sit on her face. It shuts her right up.” Sister promises to keep that tidbit in mind for the future. Smiling Pennsatucky joins the others dancing, but Leanne continues to freeze her out. When Tucky confronts them, Leanne and the other girls unceremoniously boot her from their group. Pennsatucky brushes it off, saying she’s better without their dead weight anyway. “Pardon my French, but you can eat my shit, whore, whore, whore.” When Tucky leaves, Leanne takes the opportunity to seize the leadership position, sending Angie to fetch her some punch.