Healy sits alone in his office when Pennsatucky comes to say hello and have a snack. She asks to take some Oreo’s back to Big Boo, you know, in order to distract her from TOTALLY LEZZING OUT! Healy warns her to stay away from Boo, but Tucky is kind of digging on Boo’s tattoos. Healy suddenly turns into a 1960’s propaganda film. “That’s how they get you. By being coooool.” (That’s how they got me.) “Before you know it, you’re part of their agenda.” (I was issued a handy Franklin Mint calendar when I came out.) Even Pennsatucky isn’t exactly buying what he’s selling. He suggests that Tucky read The End of Men by Hanna Rosin, except instead of taking it as a cautionary tale, Penssatucky reminds Healy that the men in charge haven’t exactly made life easier for her. “It’s the lesbians that started this whole thing,” he shoots back. “They’re making babies out of a tube.” (I believe the correct term is gaybies, Mr. H.) When Pennsatucky tries to speak her mind, Healy threatens to take away her cookies.
The singalong is in full swing now, and Lisa Loeb’s ’90s tinkling ballad of heartbreak and co-dependency, “Stay,” is the jam. It seems as if the only people not singing are Red and Vee, who are engaged in a stare off.
Flashback to a very sexified looking Vee, showing up at RJ’s place to confront him about stepping out on the “family” business. RJ admits to going out on his own but promises he wouldn’t step on Vee’s toes. He cares for her too much. He asks if they can work out a peaceful solution, and Vee agrees. She then says some really uncomfortable shit about being his “momma,” they tumble into bed together.
Ruiz sits crying on the cafeteria floor, and Piper crouches beside her in an attempt to comfort the despondent woman. Piper tells Ruiz that she’s being transferred too, so at least they will know each other. Ruiz doesn’t take much comfort in this, considering they aren’t friends now. Ruiz has six years left on her sentence, and she’s worried that her child won’t even know her when she gets out. As for her boyfriend, she doesn’t have much faith that he will stand by her. “Men can’t help it,” she tells Piper. “They’re weak.”
Playing a mean game of checkers are Pennsatucky and Big Boo. Pennsatucky takes this opportunity to get the skinny on the gay agenda and Big Boo couldn’t have asked for a better present. Here’s the deal: A few men will stick around to be slaves because we need help opening pickle jars and what not. Sex with them is ok, but only if you drop em like hotcakes when you are through. Cunnilingus is mandatory buuuuuut, you can apply for exemption for religious purposes. See the lesbian agenda wants you to celebrate your Hobby Lobby, but with scissoring instead of scrapbooking. Those seem like pretty fair requirements to Pennsatucky, so she’s all in.