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“Orange is the New Black” recap (2.10): Little Moustachioed Shit

This episode is a love letter to Piper and Alex shippers across the globe. I mean, it freaking starts off with Piper is getting off. Well, that’s an understatement. Piper is having a mind-blowing orgasm. The “I once was blind and now I see” type of orgasm. We are talking Macy’s Fourth of July, white hot, mind erasing climax. When Alex pops her head out (her black painted nails already giving her away) it’s no surprise. We are finally getting a peek at the beginning of their relationship, maybe even the first time they have had sex. Speaking of firsts, Piper kisses Alex and stares at her through lust colored lenses, and asks if she can go down on Alex. Alex teases her at first but then realizes it’s uncharted territory for Piper. Alex’s hard ass might even be a little bit touched by Piper’s desire to make Alex her first.

Before they can get started, Alex’s damn phone rings and it’s a call she has to take. Heroin waits for no man. She pops out of bed promising to be back soon, and Piper lies naked and smiling, awaiting her return. Piper’s smile quickly fades when she sees a shadowy figure running full force toward her. The hooded woman leaps on top of the bed and punches Piper right in the nose. They tussle and fall on the floor, where the woman is finally pulled off of Piper by Alex. Turns out that the woman in the hoodie is Sylvie, Alex’s live in girlfriend. This comes as a major surprise to Piper, who is still naked and now bleeding. Sylvie (played by out actress Ashleigh Sumner) orders Piper out, and Alex promises to comply. Piper is mortified, and scrambles to get dressed while Alex attempts to explain her lack of relationship transparency. It’s obvious that Alex really likes Piper, and also obvious that she’s a total cad. Piper gets the hell out of there, leaving her shoes and a befuddled Alex behind.

We are all brought back to reality when Piper returns to Litch after her furlough. Red greets her warmly, but Piper is being a little evasive around her roommate, not knowing how to break it that Red’s beloved shop is closed. So she pulls a classic Piper move. She lies her ass off. She tells Red she stopped by and had some sort of sweet pastry, and Red’s eyes fill with tears. She can finally rest easy that her shop is safe and sound. Red sits down and asks about Larry and Piper reveals that it’s over but that Larry slept with someone while she was locked up. Piper isn’t really upset though, she explains. It kind of feels like the universe is balanced again. Piper assumes the woman in question is their yoga-teaching neighbor. Piper says that it doesn’t matter any way, she and Larry are done so he’s free to do what he wants. Speaking of sweet freedom, Red takes this opportunity to hand Piper a letter from Alex…with a return address mere blocks away from where Piper was in Queens the night before.

Things are really beginning to change at Litch now that Vee is running the show. She and her crew get cutsies in the cafeteria line and everything. Vee picks a table that Miss Rosa is sitting at and claims it as her own. Suzanne pours a glass of water into Rosa’s meal, ruining it and forcing her to move. “You are a very rude woman,” Rosa tells Vee before she leaves. The girls are elated about their new status, loving the perks and attention. Red and Sophia are also in the caf, and Sophia is sporting a new hair cut (no, Donita did not do it, so don’t ask). Sophia trimmed it herself in anticipation of a visit from her estranged wife and son Michael. It’s Michael’s first visit, and we learn that Sophia’s son is the person who turned her in to the cops. Blessedly, Sophia doesn’t hold that against him knowing that he was just scared and angry about everything.

Soso is making the rounds in the cafeteria trying to convince the other inmates to join her hunger strike. She meets mostly resistance, with the exception of Yoga Jones who tells the girls to lay off. When Soso confronts Sister Ingalls, the nun tells her that it’s not exactly Guantanamo Bay. However, Soso does have a point. Why is it OK that these women are showering in sewage or subject to abuse? When Soso sits down, Big Boo shoves a spoonful of oatmeal in her face, upsetting Soso and causing the others to laugh. Nicky heads over to Piper’s table to see how furlough went. Piper in turn shows her the unread letter from Alex. Nicky does a dead on impression of Alex that I kind of wish was my ringtone. Nicky gives Piper props for her will power, and Piper admits that she’s curious. She’s thrown all the other letters away. Piper tells Nicky that it doesn’t matter what the letter says, Alex is a lying liar and always has been. Nicky points out that everyone lies. Piper doesn’t want to fall into the same old cycle with Alex, and wishes Alex didn’t have a hold on her anymore.

Flashback to Piper, being hot and sitting alone at a bar. I should also point out that she is slyly stalking Alex, who is also there with Sylvie and some friends. When Alex walks by to use the bathroom, Piper approaches her in the darkened hallway. Alex is pleased as hell to see her and neither of them can stop staring at each other’s lips. Alex apologizes for what happened with Sylvie, and promises that she is not a shady person. Oh Alex, you are the epitome of shady. You are the Queen of Shadesville, but you are smart and super sexy so we all manage to look past it. Including Piper, who, let’s be honest, is kind of shady herself. Piper accepts the apology and chocks up the punch to a life experience. Alex reiterates that her relationship with Sylvie is complicated and she’s not used to the rules and whatnot of relationships.

Enter shady Piper. “That’s the whole problem isn’t it,” Piper says, her lips in a pout before going in for the kill. “Rules aren’t any fun.” It’s like her words have a direct pipeline to Alex’s pants. She tells Alex that she doesn’t want to get in the way of her relationship if she truly loves Sylvie, but she wants Alex. Wants her with the passion of a thousand fiery suns. Then she does the think that practically caused a lesbian meltdown on Tumblr, and possibly burned out a few laptops from the constant replaying. Piper leans in and whispers in Alex’s ear, “I want to taste what you taste like.” Whoooooo boy. Alex can’t hold back anymore and grabs Piper, kissing her madly before pulling Piper into the bathroom, away from prying eyes and complicated girlfriends.

Do you need a moment before we proceed? Go ahead. Take it. Grab a cold one, or do some jumping jacks. Whatever. You good? OK, moving on.

Red has her first encounter with Mendez since his suspension, and he can’t help but try to take the piss out of her. When Bennett walks by Mendez, Mendez practically gives him a noogie. Mendez has no idea yet that Bennett sold him down the river.

In Fig’s office, she’s less that pleased that she’s being depicted as a pig in heels in the inmate newsletter. She wants the newsletter disbanded, but Caputo suggests that she could use the good press. He tells her that Daya is with child and Mendez is the daddy. Fig rolls her eyes at the impending shit storm and tells Caputo that she needs time to address this situation delicately. He agrees on one condition: he gets to fire Mendez when the time is right.

In therapy, Healy is explaining his mail order bride situation to his therapist. When she asks him for more details, he feels judged and lashes out at her. She asks why he’s even bothered to come to therapy, and Healy gets all puffed up. He declares that he’s the one truly helping people as a counselor.

Poussey confronts Taystee in her bunk about selling hard drugs. Taystee accuses Poussey of acting awful high and mighty considering she’s in jail for dealing drugs herself. Suzanne is in the bunk as well and feeling overly confident. Poussey accuses them of acting like common criminals, but Poussey goes back at her, saying that Poussey doesn’t know where she came from. Poussey had a family that loved and protected her. Taystee didn’t even have a winter coat. Their feud is interrupted by a sweep of the bunks. Everyone scrambles. Morello tries to hide her lipstick and Nicky sticks her heroin in her bra, as Gina watches. The tampon cigarettes are discovered and Watson takes the fall, ending up in the SHU again. Mendez gently does the inspection on Daya’s bunk, and is touched when he sees his Valentine’s Day card in her belongings.

As the guards go through the contraband they’ve collected from the sweep, they can’t help but notice that it all smells kind of funky. CO Bell assumes that means it’s all coming in from the inmates’ asses. She suggests a more aggressive rectal search protocol. Very eagerly.

Gina follows Nicky around the halls, knowing full well that she’s in possession of heroin. Nicky tells her to piss off, but Gina isn’t about to let one of her family fall victim to addiction so she doesn’t let Nicky out of her sight.

It’s time for Pennsatucky’s counseling session with Healy and he uses the tools he picked up again in therapy to counsel Tucky. He decides to start a support group and enlists Pennsatucky to be his right hand gal, sending her off to hand out flyers.

Vee and her crew descend upon Poussey in the library to issue a few orders. Vee warns Poussey to keep her mouth shut. She also wants control of the library, and if Poussey doesn’t want to work for Vee, she better find herself a new job. Poussey stands her ground though and vows not to be pushed out of a place she loves.

Fig has a sit down with Daya to determine the evidence against Mendez. Daya is hesitant to claim that Mendez raped her but Fig explains that any guard who has sex with an inmate is technically considered guilty of rape. Off the record, Fig asks if Daya did consent and Daya says yes. It wouldn’t be old Figgy if she didn’t toss in a little slut shaming. “Congratulations. You’ve officially destroyed a man’s life.” Nice, Fig. Lay the onus on an inmate.

It’s visitor’s day and Ruiz is offering practical financial advice to her strong, silent boyfriend. It involves threatening someone with a baseball bat. Sofia sits nervously across from Michael, who is also not much for talking that day. Sophia can’t believe how much he’s grown, and how much she’s missing. Since Michael isn’t ready to talk, Sophia’s wife suggests they play a little game of cards. This warms Michael up and gets him interacting with a very pleased Sophia. Piper also has a visitor. Andrew the reporter has stopped by to get some intel. Andrew has connected the prison contractors to a major donor in Mr. Figueroa’s campaign. Smells like a kickback scheme. Andrew asks Piper to get him invoices so he can have some concrete evidence. Piper tells Andrew once again that she’s not willing to risk her freedom so he can have a big story. When Andrew declares that Fig is a criminal, Piper reminds him that she is too.

As Andrew is on his way out, he runs into Fig who is not too happy to see him. When she finds out he’s there to see Piper, she’s even more pissed off.

In the commons area, Nicky and Morello are watching TV while Gina stays close by. Over the loudspeaker, Morello is called down to the visiting area. She’s surprised because she’s not expecting anyone. When Morello leaves, Nicky tells Gina to come over. Gina wants Nicky to tell Red about the drugs, and Nicky promises that she’s not going to do anything with the heroin. Gina shoots her a look and Nicky knows she’s not winning this argument.

When Morello arrives in the visitor’s lounge, she sees Christafuh standing there, waiting for her. Her heart practically flies out of her chest. (Let’s talk for a moment about how royally fucked up it is that he would even be allowed to visit her.) When she attempts to shake his hand, he recoils and the reason for his visit is very clear. He knows she was in his house and warns her to stay away. He threatens to kill her if she comes near him or his loved ones ever again. He’s stands up and blows her cover, screaming that she’s a psycho and he has to be removed by guards. Morello sits with tears streaming down her face. Nicky watches it all happen from behind the glass.

Afterward, Nicky comforts Morello on the steps and Morello confesses to breaking into Christafuh’s house. Nicky can’t believe Morello would be that reckless, knowing that it could triple her sentence. Morello is finally over Christafuh now. She’s more concerned that Nicky hates her, but Nicky assures her that isn’t the case. Morello shakes her head and says, “Nobody is going to love me.” Nicky tells her that someone already does and pulls her in for a hug.

Piper decides that she can’t take not knowing who Larry slept with, so she calls and leaves him a message asking him to visit and tell her. Her call is cut short by Vee’s new enforcer, Suzanne, ordering her to get lost so Vee can use the phone. Piper does what she says.

Flashback to Piper and Polly, drinking and smoking at Piper’s house. Piper tells Polly that she’s not gay, just experimenting. Like really in-depth, scientific, sexually stimulating, experimenting. Polly’s face is like, “OK, sure,straight girl. I can see your lady from here.” When Piper describes sex with Alex, she practically melts into the couch from the recent memory of it. Polly asks about Alex’s girlfriend, but Piper says that Sylvie isn’t an issue anymore. Just then the bell rings, and Piper opens the door to find a flaming bag of poo waiting for her. Guess Sylvie isn’t quite willing to give up the ghost.

Daya and Bennett get together to talk about her conversation with Fig and Daya is more insistent than ever that they come clean about their relationship. She wants him to declare his love for her, and he knows that is a one-way ticket to men’s prison.

Soso is feeling the pain from not eating, and Yoga Jones’ heart goes out to the poor kid. She tells Soso that she is actually very proud of her. After watching Watson be taken to SHU a second time, Jones has had enough and believes Soso is a true activist. Sister Ingalls overhears their conversation and is moved. She puts down her muffin and doesn’t finish her meal.

At Mr. Healy’s first Safe Space meeting, it’s just him and Pennsatucky sitting among a bunch of empty chairs. Guess he should have brought snacks like she suggested.

A very guilty looking Polly surprises Piper with a visit. Polly apologizes for not going to Piper’s grandmother’s funeral but what she really means is “sorry I fucked your fiancĂ©”. Piper starts picking up on Polly’s nervous energy and reluctance to talk about Larry. Piper drops the bomb about nearly having sex with Larry at the wake just to see Polly’s reaction. Polly does her best to hide it, but Piper now knows that Polly was “the friend” Larry slept with.

Flashback to Piper and Alex, in their jammies, being all kinds of adorable on a weekend morning together. Piper is upset about the flaming poo but Alex makes light of it. She’s officially left Sylvie and is with Piper. Piper worries that Sylvie might come after her but Alex tells her, “sometimes you just have to rage in order to move on.” Piper asks Alex if she loved Sylvie. Alex tells her no, but she is in love with Piper. Piper lays down next to Alex (in a way that mirrors the “I heart you” scene in prison).

They look deeply into each other’s eyes. Alex, feeling mighty vulnerable after an admission like that, asks Piper to say it back. Piper does, and she means it more than she ever expected she could.

Back in the safety of her bunk, Piper is so upset that she punches the wall until her hand is shaking and bloodied. Red walks in and offers to lend an ear. Piper tells her about Polly and Larry and asks for a little alone time. Before Red leaves, she offers Piper this advice. “Honey, you don’t drink poison when you try to kill your enemy. Stop hitting walls and plot your revenge.” When she leaves, Piper pulls out the letter from Alex and finally reads it.

Alone and upset in the library, Poussey unveils her secret stash of hooch and takes a long drink of it.

Vee sneaks into the greenhouse and starts digging around trying to find the tunnel. Red walks in and finds her. Vee lets Red know that she plans on using the tunnel now, and suggests that they share. Red laughs in Vee’s face, remembering how well that went the first time around. Vee claims she wants to be friends, but friends don’t break each other’s ribs. Vee asks Red to think about it, but Red knows that Vee already plans to push her out into the cold.

Nicky pulls the heroin out of it’s hiding place in her shoe and sits down in her bunk, contemplating breaking her sobriety while feeling the very intense pull of addiction. She goes to Red in the greenhouse and hands her the drugs, because she knows she can’t stop herself alone. Nicky tells Red the heroin came from Vee, and apologizes for letting Red down. Red responds by hugging Nicky tight.

A very sick and very drunk Poussey decides to confront Vee in the bathroom in front of the entire crew. Poussey pushes Vee against a wall, but Suzanne grabs hold of the smaller girl. Vee gives the order and Suzanne slams Poussey’s ribs against a bench and beats her down. Suzanne starts to hit herself until Vee motions for her to calm down. Suzanne leaves with her chin up while Poussey is left crying in pain on the bathroom floor. Cindy, who has witnessed the whole thing, is seriously frightened.

Piper makes a call to Neri and asks for a favor. Shortly thereafter, the doorbell at Polly’s apartment rings and when she opens it, Polly is greeted by a flaming bag of poo. Polly instantly knows who sent it and accepts it pretty graciously, considering.

In Nicky’s bunk, she and Morello are playing cards. Gina stops by to tell Nicky how proud she is and Nicky shoos her away with a smile. Morello asks Nicky what that was all about, but Nicky doesn’t answer.

It’s a happy day for Caputo because he finally gets to fire Mendez for good. He tells Mendez that Daya is pregnant and Mendez is in shock. Caputo tells him that not only is he fired, but under arrest, and opens the door for two officers. Outside, news crews have gathered for a press conference given by Fig where she gives her very practiced speech. As she speaks, Mendez is led through the halls in handcuffs. When Mendez sees Bennett, he gives him a wink. Finally, Mendez stops in front of Daya and proclaims his undying love and kisses her before being carted off for good. The inmates look on, none of them saying a word.

Follow Dana on Twitter @danapiccoli

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