Cal greets Pete and Polly and gushes that their baby looks like Steve Buscemi. Hee. Oh, lord, P&P are going to be those wash-your-hands-before-you-touch-the-baby parents. P&P also brought a pal from NPR who we’ll just call Fake Ira Glass. Fake Ira Glass loved Larry’s column! Thanksgiving is looking up! Well, for some of us.
Chapman bitches to the vent about the insecure, predatory jerks who get to work here. The vent points out that they have the keys, so they always win. The vent can’t remember how long she’s been here. Nine months? A year? They keep the lights on, so you lose all track of time. That’s messed up. Chapman starts to panic. She swears that if they let her out she’ll shut up and do her time and won’t even look at Alex.
Nichols (Hi, Nichols!) walks in to find Alex repairing her glasses. Alex notes that she got made fun of by the same kind of girls who we saw making fun of Doggett. She knows that Nichols would have made fun of her too.
Nichols wonders how Alex knew she grew up rich, and Alex replies, “My business was built on sniffing out girls like you and turning them into drug mules.” Yikes—sounds like Chapman was just part of a pattern. Alex claims she would have turned Young Nichols in a couple of seconds. Nichols explains that she would have been a terrible drug mule, since she would have done all the drugs, but is skeptical that she would have been turned so easily. Alex quickly proves it.
Nichols has the same concerns I do about Alex and Piper’s relationship, but Alex says Piper was different. Hmm.
Sophia tells Sister Ingalls that Crystal is in love with her Pastor. Sophia wants Crystal to stay celibate …for the nearly four years Sophia has left. The Sister counsels letting Crystal go.
Cal and his girlfriend are awesome, even if Cal wants to talk about eating placenta a little too much. Larry is boring the snot out of Fake Ira Glass. Fake Ira is way more into Cal—but there is a possibility that Larry’s story might work for an upcoming theme show about long-distance relationships.
Dinner looks good! But no gravy. Yoga Jones gives a nice blessing, as does the Sister. Little Boo is still OK! Alex says it doesn’t feel right eating dinner while Chapman is in SHU. “Straight girls,” Nichols sighs, “They’ll fuck you up every time.”
Y’all, I know we’re running out of place for those throw pillows, but this is a worthy addition. I know Chapman is somewhere in the bi spectrum, but it’s still a sentiment worth remembering.
Chapman gets a tray of something that might be meatloaf. It’s awful. She tries to bitch with the vent, but the vent isn’t answering.
The stink Larry is raising is working and Caputo is pissed: “These liberal wealthy offenders are connected.” He knows the paperwork won’t hold up and wants Chapman out of SHU.
Diaz wants to keep the baby, but doesn’t want to get Bennett in trouble. Mom Diaz is delighted and says they’ll work something out.
Sophia calls Crystal and gives her blessing for the new relationship. Aww.
Oh, no. Taystee got an old address, and her cousin isn’t living there anymore. Taystee can stay in the squalid corner, just for the night.
Sophia is back to her old dosage! She is truly thankful.
Chapman is released. She looks a quick goodbye at the vent.
Nice Fischer finally delivers Larry’s number to Healy, even though it’s against regulations. Healy takes it and dials. Oh, no.
Shell-shocked Chapman is back. She goes straight to Alex, grabs her by wrist, and leads her to the chapel. Then they start to make out hard.
What have we learned about having a drug-runner girlfriend, Chapman?
Chapman. Chapman! CHAPMAAAAAN!