“Orange is the New Black” recap (1.9): F*cksgiving

Dorm!

Doggett’s creepy minion is Alex’s bunkmate. She has also stolen Alex’s mattress. Alex tries to report it, but she’s just interrupted some hot guard sex, so no one cares. She can fill out a form and get one in a couple of weeks.

Alex’s Flashback!

At a sleazy club’s backstage door, Alex introduces herself as the daughter of the washed-up rock star who—no. No. NonononononononoNONONONONO! No. Seriously? No. We may never know for sure, but I have some deep concerns.

Dad Alex is happy to see her—and her awesome rack. He notes that he totally would have had sex with her if he hadn’t known she was his daughter, then tries to pull back. This isn’t the big joyful reunion Alex imagined.

As she comes out of the bathroom, Alex meets a nice guy who gives her a dose of perspective on rock and rollers. He also tries to give her a little dose of something else. Nice guy works for an international drug cartel. There are so many hard lessons about nice people on this show.

Dorms!

Mom Diaz brings a glass of water to poor Diaz, who’s feeling awful. Turns out Mendoza gave her fake tea to make her feel wretched on Mom Diaz’s orders. Mom Diaz wants her to have the baby. Diaz doesn’t want to have five baby daddies like her mother does. Mom Diaz says babies are good because there’s still potential that they’ll become something good.

SHU!

Chapman showers, handcuffed, while a male guard keeps watch.

Bathroom!

Alex steps out of her own shower to find her glasses broken. Doggett and her minion aren’t even being subtle as they giggle and run away.

SHU!

Chapman gets shoved a tray with some baloney. There’s mold on it. A voice from the vent says she got a maggot. Chapman asks the vent voice if she’s real. The voice isn’t sure.

Dorms!

Taystee is happily making plans for her release while Sophia listens. Pizza and dancing sounds like a pretty good lineup.

Whoa, the van is here now and she has to leave immediately! There’s no time for her to say goodbye to Pousséy. Pousséy charges up the stairs too late and pounds on the window. Taystee looks up in time to wave back and do a silly little dance. No, I’m not crying. There’s a lot of dust in here.

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