“Orange is the New Black” recap (1.9): F*cksgiving

 
 

Oh, dear, here comes Larry. Nice Fischer talks about how cute he and Chapman are… And breaks the news about SHU. Fischer’s tiny “Please don’t swear at me” is a little heart poke. I’m worried she won’t do well here.

Larry asks Fischer to give his phone number to Healy. Oh, no. Larry finally switches from Demanding Entitled Dude to begging dude and Fischer says she’ll try. Larry asks Fischer to tell piper he loves her.

SHU!

There is nothing for Chapman to do but pace and sleep. And listen to the other prisoners rant. And cry.

Dining hall!

Doggett tells her minion about how her brother shot and roasted a bald eagle last year. She thinks that’s good times.

oitnb_Doggett Minion

Alex walks up, grabs Doggett by the face, and kisses her hard. That is taking one for the team with those meth teeth. Alex loudly thanks Doggett for the excellent head the night before. Doggett shouts that Alex is going to Hell, which is not news to Alex.

Oh, all right, Alex is growing on me.

Kitchen!

Red’s Thanksgiving gravy is nearly perfect. Mustache shouts in to undo his tiny scraps of good karma from earlier. He tells everyone to leave but Red and closes a gate behind them. Mustache looks through the produce boxes looking for his product. Uh oh. Red tells him she flushed the pills. Mustache demands that Red put his shipments aside from now on— since Caputo is looking for the drugs and contraband is coming through Red’s kitchen, they’re at a point of mutually assured destruction.

Mustache whips out his cock and pees right into the vat of gravy. And shakes. Mustache threatens to kill Red the next time she messes with him.

Chez Bloom!

Larry is leaving messages throughout the penal system, threatening lawsuits as he goes. Good luck with that rapid bureaucratic action on a holiday! Cal would maybe like to have less drama with his cooking. Larry says he has to cancel the dinner they’re hosting, and Cal sarcasms him into seeing why that’s a bad reaction. It’s not just Thanksgiving, It’s Unexpected Voice of Reason Day.

Cal says Piper would want them to celebrate anyway, and she’s probably fine. This is perhaps a less reasonable statement.

SHU!

Healy slides back the little window. He says Chapman needed a little time out to think about her behavior. Her provocative gay sexual dancing, to be specific. Chapman says “This is illegal. You can’t keep me in here.” Oh, dear, she still hasn’t figured out the power dynamic.

Healy says Alex is a sicko, and Chapman counter-accuses. Oh, no! Chapman gets too real and wonders if Healy is jealous of Alex’s attentions. Pull back, Chapman! She’s not pulling back. She says girls like her don’t bang pretentious, obsessed old men, and she’d much prefer a tall, hot lesbian. PULL BACK, CHAPMAN!

Too late. Chapman gets a “Happy Thanksgiving,” and Healy shuts the little window.

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