“Orange is the New Black” recap (1.9): F*cksgiving

Taystee arrives! She’s getting out, bitches! Time to dance!

oitnb_Dance

Alex and Chapman sillydance together, and then start sexydancing together. Doggett wants Mustache to put a stop to the lesbian activity, but he declines. STOP MAKING US AGREE WITH MUSTACHE, SHOW. We all know who Doggett goes running for.

Hallway!

Doggett wormtongues along by Healy, ratting and ratting about all the lesbian sex she’s been seeing. She’s such a pain in the ass that she even irritates Healy. And then she claims Alex and Chapman were the ones she saw having sex in the bathroom that morning and leads him straight to the dance party.

Healy calls Chapman’s dance attempted rape and sends her to SHU. Even Mustache says that’s not cool and Healy goes full-on red-face ballistic. Chapman starts to flip out—she has visitation scheduled—and Mustache tries to settle everything down and takes her away. When Mustache is the voice of reason, a situation has gone very much downhill. Doggett gives a little victory skip as she walks away.

oitnb_Chapman cuffed

SHU!

It’s bad, you guys. Tiny rooms with red doors and tiny windows and everyone is screaming. Chapman has a cot and a toilet. She’s in there until they decide they feel like letting her out.

Rec room!

Taystee is scared about getting out. She’s been in institutions since she was a kid and doesn’t know how she’ll survive on the outside. Miss Claudette and Pousséy beg to differ. Pousséy says that living in captivity has messed with Taystee’s mind.

Visiting room!

Crazy Eyes’ incredibly WASPY parents are telling her about all the relatives that are visiting for the holiday and correct Suzanne on her swearing. Mind: Blown.

oitnb_Crazy Eyes Parents

Crystal is there—she’s been making sweet potato casserole for a soup kitchen because she’s awesome. Crystal has a new pastor who’s been very helpful. Um, very helpful. And he’s sweet with Michael. Sophia doesn’t like this. Crystal points out that we don’t always get what we want.

Mom Crazy Eyes does some Universal Momming and bugs Crazy Eyes about her hair. Hee.

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