“Orange is the New Black” recap (1.7): Blood donut

 
 

Laundry!

Doggett’s mouthing off, shouting that Chapman must be blowing Healy. She’s so very compassionate, just like Jesus, that she thinks Chapman needs to be broken down. Alex finally steps in and acknowledges that yes, Chapman is a major, entitled pain in the ass, but it’s time to shut up. She awesomely threatens to sneak up in the dead of night and turn Doggett gay if she doesn’t give it a rest.

I mean, OK, yes, entirely inappropriate and wrong. But still awesome.

Yoga class!

Watson peeks in just to look.

Watson flashback!

There’s a coked-up party happening. A guy asks Watson to chat with his friend. She’s nervous. The Lord of the Party asks if Watson is the track and field girl, then tells her to leave. The Party Lord is OK: He tells Watson she can have something real and shouldn’t screw that up by hanging out with him and his crew of thugs. He offers her money for new sneakers and an escort home. Watson is humiliated. And, oh, no, she runs into exactly the wrong sleazebag on her way out the door. Run, Watson, run!

Bar!

Larry yells at a guy for undertipping the bartender. As should we all. The pretty bartender buys him a drink. Larry worries out loud that he looks pathetic, and thus does. Larry sads that his fiancée is in prison and he feels guilty for chatting up the pretty bartender. That is how not to pick up your bartender.

CO hallway!

Caputo will be opening the track eight hours a week, thanks to Fischer’s volunteering and smart plan to save health care money in the long run. Healy is annoyed. Caputo calls Fischer one smart piece of ass. Ugh.

Bathroom!

Stall Woman discovers her phone is gone and flips right the hell out… And breaks the remaining stall door. Oh, hello: Her name is Flores. Now there is nowhere to comfortably drop a deuce in the entire prison. Chapman feels bad.

Hallway!

Taystee’s hair is in a demure bun. She’s nervous about her hearing. O’Neill reminds her that making them wait won’t help. She goes in to face the board.

oitnb_Taystee Hearing

Watson flashback!

Oh, Shesus, Watson and her new asshole boyfriend are just completing a robbery. The cops are coming. Watson runs faster than her boyfriend, fast enough to get away, but her boyfriend tells her not to show off. She turns back, the cop catches her… and asshole boyfriend runs. Do not have a sleazebag thief boyfriend.

Prison track!

A few women walk. Watson runs. She’s happy. She runs past Chapman and says they’re still not even. Healy watches them run with an inscrutable expression on his face.

Good show all around, everyone! Let’s all go for a refreshing walk. And promise not to sneak up and turn each other gay without specific permission. Or at least a very good reason.

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