Larry whines about how much couples only hang out with couples and how much of a loser he looks with being out with his coupled-up friends. Rough life, Larry. Polly asserts their right to complain no matter what. Polly’s husband Pete tries for the positive. And congratulates Larry on the very column he promised not to write. Prick.
There are what sound like loud sex noises, but it’s Watson working out because the track is closed. Her dorm mates are not fans of the midnight training regimen.
Young Watson just ran for a high school track record. But it’s still her friend who gets the boyfriend.
Yoga Jones is here. She tries to talk Watson down, saying she knows what it’s like to be pissed off and feel like the world owes you something. I want to see all the flashbacks. Jones says Watson’s already ahead on the mind-body connection. Watson tries to get under Jones’ skin, but she doesn’t letter happen. Watson tries to figure out what Jones did until she guesses “You kill a kid?” Jones smacks her hard enough to draw blood.
Healy is studying Ukranian. Chapman comes in to talk about the running track. Chapman points out (correctly) that half an hour of walking a day saves on long-term medical costs and mentions the YouTube “23 ½ Hours” video that illustrates that. No one cares. Caputo stops in just for a moment to be be a dick.
Healy tells Chapman that if she can find the missing cell phone on the inside, he’ll re-open the track. Um.
Mustache dicks over to Bennett to ask why he’s so happy. He thinks Bennett must have gotten laid and wants the details. Bennett and Diaz, you have GOT to take some time off from being schmoopy to work on your poker faces. Ugh, just when you think Mendez can’t get cruder, he does.
Bennett finally gives in and makes up a girlfriend. Mendez is in rapture.
Taystee’s friends are having a mock early release hearing so she can study. Taystee explains that the one of the only times she’s ever gotten in trouble while inside was for a totally justified smacking of a bitch. Pousséy suggests going lighter on the bitch smacking parts. Both friends coach her on what to say about what she’s learned.
Both friends also laugh at the idea that Taystee might go to college, which pisses her off. Taystee would like to be a law secretary, which I can kind of see. The question that gives them all pause is what Taystee will do with her hair.