Chapman pees in blissful peace with a closed door and everything.
As she’s relaxing, Chapman looks at some tile that seems awfully familiar to those of us in the viewing audience. She removes a tile and finds a cell phone in there. A cell phone with the fugitive vagina on it.
The speeches are getting super racist, and then turn into some “playful” racist freestyle rapping. Gah!
Red’s also enjoying the quiet and is getting some reading done. She waves Chapman off.
Chapman goes to Alex’s cube and smells her pillow. CHAPMAN! DO NOT HAVE A DRUG-RUNNER GIRLFRIEND!
Oh, thank Shesus, the racist rapping has turned into a dance-off. Wow, Boo can really work it. Crazy Eyes sidles in and pretends to top Boo just as Healy walks in and shuts the whole thing down. Which means the prison election process ends up being only half as insane, irrelevant, and racially offensive as our national election process.
Diaz and Bennett adorable at each other. Diaz made him a drawing of her. She makes a couple of bad tries, then asks Bennett directly about his leg. She’s really trying to make a connection. Aww.
Holy Thurmond, they really do have separate vote boxes set up for each racial tribe. Healy whispers to Chapman that he thinks his wife really loved the dress, but of course what the other inmates see is Healy whispering to Chapman.
Mom Diaz’s Drug runner boyfriend asks her way too much about Diaz. Bad mom karma is a bitch.
Larry is telling Chapman about his proposed article on “our experience.” Chapman shoots back, “Has it been difficult for you in here?” Chapman asks for time to think about it before everyone in the world knows she’s a convicted felon. Larry says of course he’ll give her time to process, but he’s totally going to go ahead and write the article. He probably has a draft in his pocket.
Suddenly the not-mentally-ill-after-all woman from the bathroom stall shouts “Diablo!” and runs to hug her big boyfriend. Mystery solved!
Somewhere, that actress’s mom hits this point in the series and there is a phone call in which the actress has to explain that they used a stunt vagina, and yes, she is sure everyone will know it’s not really hers.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Caputo is a dick about the election and says, “You still can’t tell the fish-kissers who’s boss?” We hear the results and Healy throws the actual votes into the Foreshadowing Bin.
Morello is sweetly nervous, even though she’s been reassured that she’s a lock. Red made a coconut cake to celebrate Morello’s victory. Nichols is pissy about the coconut and gets a swat in the head and her cake taken away. No one knows how Nichols puts up with the crap she takes from Red.
Red helps newbie Nichols, still in orange, through vicious drug-withdrawal shakes. Red talks her through it and demands she stay clean. And then Red hugs Nichols like the mom she always needed.
The results are finally announced: Maria Ruiz and Taystee won.
Chang will represent both the Golden Girls and the Others. (Won’t that open the WAC up to deadlocks?) And the final winner is… Chapman. Who did not run, campaign, or receive a single vote. Chapman. Is. Screwed.
And, as we close out this episode, let’s take a moment to appreciate the perhaps dozens of production and design personnel who had to audition, select, and photograph the Stunt Vagina. And they had to have very serious meetings about whether the lighting was good enough, but it shouldn’t be too good because it’s a cell phone picture in a bathroom stall, but can you see the tile well enough? Will it read? And should there be a re-shoot with more or less taint? What would the Diablo character really want?
I just want those hard-working behind-the-scenes folks to know that we appreciate the care and attention you took. Now please help that actress explain it to her mom.