Bennett is worried about the pointed inappropriate relationship talk he had with Caputo. And mentions the Naked Mom Diaz incident. Bennett thinks they should cool it right up until the moment when Diaz undoes his fly. Diaz pulls his pants all the way down and discovers that Bennett has a prosthetic lower leg. Bennett tenses, waiting to be rejected, but Diaz just gives his knee a little kiss and goes about her business.
Chapman comes in and sees the wanted pussy poster. Healy holds up a couple of dresses against her and Chapman braces for Extreme Creepiness, but Healy just wants to choose the right dress for his wife’s anniversary.
Healy also wants chapman to run for WAC, but after The Chicken Incident, she says she’d prefer to keep her head down for a while. He’s disappointed.
Larry’s editor is rejecting Larry’s edging piece, because that’s the sort of thing you only discuss with your relatives. Larry begs for an assignment, and all his editor wants is a lascivious piece on what to do when your wife is in Sexy L Word prison.
Of course Doggett is running for WAC on a Jesus platform. Nichols (Hi, Nichols!) and Chapman play homemade Scrabble while Alex and Morello flirt. Now Alex is ignoring Chapman. Alex makes a joke, Chapman laughs, Alex stonewalls the laugh, and we’re all in painful junior high school for a moment.
Alex and Piper drink champagne. Alex calls Polly by the wrong name and then makes fun of her wrong name. Alex is summoned to talk with a guy who is clearly a drug dealer and Polly rightly points out that Alex is an asshole. Polly is suspicious of Alex. Why won’t Piper listen to her best friend’s suspicions? Piper announces that she’s really happy and came seven times last night. Oh, that’s why.
Alex has a meeting with Scary Drug Guy, who is upping her drug-running quota by a lot. Alex says she’s glad she’s not expendable and then there is an uncomfortable moment of silence because she totally is. Well, at least the head drug dealer has a sense of delicacy.
Alex spots Nichols’ heart surgery scar and knows what it is—apparently it’s a pretty common operation for needle users. Yikes. Nichols misses drugs and Alex misses the business of selling drugs. They totally bond over having been in the same industry. Chapman sees a bit of this as she stands around not wanting to pee in the open because a woman is talking to The Devil in the stall with the door again. Chapman says hi to Alex and leaves.
Polly finally takes Chapman’s call and they have a really sweet friendship reconciliation in spite of the fact that Polly is on the table for her gyno appointment. We learn that Polly’s nickname for Alex is “Supercunt,” which works as an awesome nickname for someone you love or hate.
We also learn that Chapman’s mom used “tutu” as a euphemism for “vagina” when Piper was a kid. That must have made ballet class a little confusing.
It’s time for everyone to make speeches! And also for things to get reeeaaaallly uncomfortable. Frigging Doggett says she’ll ask for a whites-only bathroom.
Tricia, who we saw in an AA meeting last episode, sidles over to Mustache Mendez and asks where her drugs are. Mendez doesn’t have any because of the crackdown. Tricia is hurting. Mendez tells her he’ll crush her if he talks to her again.
Miss Claudette is here to see the speeches for the sheer crazeball entertainment and notes that all the inmates are there. Chapman has a bolt of inspiration and runs off.