There’s a massive hunt for the $1,000 chicken. That either has heroin or a gun in it. Red is pissed off. And full of bizarre stereotypes.
Suddenly Chapman is full of weird motivational speeches for red. I don’t entirely know what’s happening. Or how some of the inmates got hold of a dog to chase the chicken with.
…And now everyone is on the ground with Mendez making Cool Hand Luke speeches over them. Oh, yeah: Running in the prison yard makes the guards nervous.
Bennett gets a note to meet… with no drawing on the back. Be careful, Bennett!
The prisoners are getting their punishments for running. Chapman, however, will not be sent down the hill. Healy says she’s new and just screwed up. And also that the chicken is fiction, “like global warming or female ejaculation.” Healy points out that there’s a triple razor wire fence around the prison, and asks Chapman to act reasonable and educated.
There’s an announcement saying that there is no chicken, and there never was a chicken. Everyone is mad and calling Chapman “chicken lady.” And they’re extra pissed that she wasn’t punished.
The sister drops in. Sophia agrees to cut her hair, but isn’t happy. The Sister is cool and they reconcile pretty quickly over talk of Playboy and nipples.
Chapman is ready for her meeting, and they’re agreed that they won’t ask their parents for any more money. Which they’ve apparently been doing a lot. Alex comes up and Larry and Chapman seem to reconcile over that until Chapman gets the idea that Alex was the one spreading chicken rumors. Man, Chapman has some rage inside.
Wow—Larry lies and says Alex didn’t name Chapman. LARRY, THAT IS A TERRIBLE IDEA. Just say you couldn’t find out, you dingleberry! I bet that won’t ever come back to haunt anyone. Uh-oh. Now Chapman thinks she’s the bad guy in the relationship.
Secret meeting in the utility closet!
Bennett shows up and turns on the light. Whoa, Mom Diaz is there, already topless! There are way more opportunities for private sex in this prison than I thought there would be. Mom Diaz walks up to Bennett and turns the light back off.
All the kids are visiting Diaz’s mom, who’s taken a fall for her creepy dealer boyfriend. Do not have a drug-runner boyfriend. Mom Diaz is so busy obsessing about him that she neglects to ask how the kids are doing. Like at all.
Diaz calls her on it, and Mom accuses her of sleeping with creepy druggy boyfriend. Mom Diaz’s unconventional childrearing methods are not getting good results here.
Case in point: Diaz gets home and totally starts making out with creepy dealer boyfriend. Do not have your mom’s drug-runner boyfriend.
Chapman is on a conference call with Useless Polly. She totally sees the chicken through the window. Chapman can either have the crucial conference call with Barney’s or the chicken. She picks chicken. She chases it (without running) through the surprisingly open, spacious, and empty prison yard… And then suddenly it’s on the other side of the fence.
OK, that was kind of a strange episode about how we’re all (except for the Sister) chasing metaphoric chickens instead of striving for inner peace and stuff. But it’s still good, so I think we should chase another episode. See you tomorrow!
In the meantime, I’ll be eating oysters, bitches!