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“Orange is the New Black” recap (1.4): Imaginary Enemies

Dorm!

Piper is cleaning up Crazy Eyes’ pee, because, well, yes, that’s what one does when the floor has been peed upon. Miss Claudette does not for the drama that followed her new roommate in. She also doesn’t care for the fact that Chapman can clean up the pee, but not disinfect the floor. Chapman whisperwhines that she’s never cleaned up someone else’s urine before. Miss Claudette and I say “Quite a privileged life you’ve led” at the same time.

Images courtesy of Netflix. Photo by Patrick Harbron

Claudette’s flashback!

Adolescent Claudette rides her first elevator in French-no, wait. In Creole? Young Baptiste is showing her around her new digs. At first it looks like maybe a weird orphanage or boarding school, but in fact, yikes, Claudette will be working for Mean Lady Tessa until she pays off her parents’ debt. Sooo… Looks like indentured servitude if we’re being delicate about it, and something a lot like slavery if we aren’t.

Dormitory!

Tricia, the woman we’ve seen in the kitchen with the blonde cornrows, asks Claudette to make a cake for her girlfriend Mercy, who’s getting out soon. Claudette is a hard-ass about it and says she only makes cakes like that for Jesus.

Chapman comes in with a bunch of books her friends sent her. She’s advised to enjoy people sending her things while they still do. Claudette notes again that she is not a fan of clutter. Chapman puts a hustle on putting things away.

Tricia really wants a cake for Mercy and crudely offers sex for one, complete with an emphatic crotch grab. Claudette isn’t going for it. And, really, can you blame her? I’ll just note for the record that I make extremely tasty baked goods, but I prefer my offers of bribery to retain a little mystery.

Electrical shop!

Chapman and Watson are there for their new work assignment. Luschek, the electrician in charge, charmingly shouts at all the newbies and calls them “Newts.”

Nichols is there too! (Hi, Nichols!) She’s drilling a hole in the wall with a power drill, which she says is an art project “representing the futility of blue-collar labor in a technological age. And vaginas.” I’m growing really fond of Nichols.

Chapman, who really does not have much of a learning curve for these little unspoken social rules, announces that she she should be teaching in the educational program instead of working in the electrical shop because she was a TA in college. This does not go over well. Luschek tells her to read an electrical manual and fix a lamp, already.

As you might imagine, prison officials are not keen on the idea of blunt/sharp/whirling tools being in the general prison mix, so we learn about the checkout system so they can keep track of who has what. You lose a tool, you go to solitary confinement.

Watson doesn’t really want to work for what she calls slave-level wages just so she can buy a Coke for $6 in the commissary. Luschek assigns her to be in charge of checkout, which we’re all fine with. Then he calls Watson a monkey, which we are not fine with. Piss off, Luschek.

Chapman picks up a screwdriver that’s already lying on her workstation and starts not-fixing her lamp.

Lunch!

Red hooks Mercy, Tricia’s departing girlfriend, up with a job on the outside. Aww. Red tells her not to end up back in there. Some of the other inmates are going through Mercy’s stuff and taking the clothes she doesn’t want anymore. She gives away an old shirt, which strikes a nerve with Big Boo. (Who is played, by the way, by out comic <b>Lea DeLaria</b>.) Boo gave Mercy that shirt back when they were prison wives, and doesn’t like Mercy giving it to someone else. Mercy gives it away anyway, cautioning the lucky recipient to wash Boo’s stank off it first.

You know who else I’m guessing does not have much of a learning curve? Mercy.

Boo is not OK with anything that has happened in the last five minutes, or possibly the last couple of years. Boo tells Mercy, “It’s not your ass that I want anymore. It’s your back.”

Uh-oh. Red expositions that Boo has a history of screwing up release dates for her exes. She goaded one ex into a fight and got five years tacked onto her sentence right before she was supposed to get out.

Electrical shop!

Chapman takes a break from being a terrible electrician to go to lunch with Nichols (Hi, Nichols!) and absentmindedly sticks a screwdriver in her hoodie pocket. Learning curve, Chapman! LEARNING CURVE! Uh oh.

Chapman chats with Nichols, but they seriously only have like 30 seconds to eat their bag lunches. (Where do those come from?) Chapman says she’s still working on realizing she’s in prison (Oh, really?) and then loses her hoodie with the screwdriver in it on the ground. Oh, Chapman.

Healy’s office!

Healy says that Claudette’s case is being reviewed for possible early release. Like way early. Miss Claudette says no thanks; she doesn’t want to dredge up the past just for disappointment.

Claudette’s flashback!

She’s now in charge of the work house/indentured servitude/house cleaning slave labor ring.

Handsome Baptiste from earlier is still involved too, and, oh, dear, he just came back married to a much younger, very beautiful woman. The new wife mentions how great Claudette is to work with so many young girls when she can’t have kids of her own. Damn.

Electrical shop!

Chapman gives herself a spectacular shock. Nichols calls it free therapy. Chapman hasn’t fixed a damn thing, but no one cares because it’s time to go. Luschek calls Watson a monkey again. PISS OFF, LUSCHEK.

There’s an alarm, and everybody has to lie down on the ground. Apparently no one mentioned this at orientation, because Nichols has to explain to Chapman what the hell is happening.

Outside!

Nice Bennett is checking the perimeter, then sneaks into his call box to get some dipping tobacco. Diaz is there, lying on the ground like a prone angel. She says she’s been trying to quit, then asks from some of Bennett’s chew. It’s gross, and she spits it out, but not before getting tobacco all over her teeth. Diaz asks Bennett to pick the tobacco out of her teeth with the stem of one of her earrings. This show should be called Flirtation Methods You Would Never, Ever Think Of. Damned if it doesn’t work, though! Bennett holds her face and tenderly picks the dip out of her teeth.

Electrical shop!

We’ve discovered that there’s a missing screwdriver and it is time to freak right the hell out. There should be a sign-out sheet to see who has what, but Watson was not given full instructions, so it’s blank. (And Chapman’s name wouldn’t have appeared on it anyway.) Getting caught with the screwdriver will add 5 years on your sentence. Yikes.

Caputo (That’s Not-Entirely-Nice Phone Guy) orders a strip search. Watson demands a female guard for a strip search, and Caputo sends her down to solitary to wait for one. (OK, they actually call solitary “shoe,” but I can’t figure out if I should spell it like that or like “shoo,” or like something else entirely, and it’s making me crazy.) Caputo asks if anyone else would like to have a female guard and there are no takers.

Mustache Mendez immediately cops a huge, obvious feel of Chapman’s tits, then moves on to molest someone else. Ugh.

Outside!

Chapman walks out and finds her jacket. She asks Nichols how bad shue is. Nichols says a lady in schü ate a live rat. Bite by bite.

Tricia walks up. She noticed that Capman is booksy and asks for help with her appeal letter-now that her girl Mercy is getting out, Tricia feels a new urgency with her appeal. Chapman says she’ll give it a look, puts Tricia’s letter in her pocket… and finds the screwdriver. And for the first time today, Chapman realizes that she has, in fact, managed to screw something.

Dormitory!

Chapman gets inside to discover that Miss Claudette put her books under her bed. Miss Claudette does not like clutter. Oh, no! The guards are conducting a sweep. And Chapman has a screwdriver.

Miss Claudette, who does not care for drama or clutter, cares even less for being busted for being an accessory and hides the screwdriver in her stew pot.

Mustache Mendez is a dick and throws their stuff everywhere, not even really looking for the screwdriver. He sees the pot, but fortunately doesn’t investigate it. Claudette is royally pissed, but has practical advice: Don’t just give it back, because they’ll both be in trouble, and don’t just dump it, because then someone is just going to find it and someone else is getting stabbed. Ah, yes. Chekhov’s rule of screwdrivers. Miss Claudette tells Chapman to smuggle the damn thing back into the electrical shop and get it back on the wall.

Rec room!

The ladies are hanging toilet paper decorations for the fiesta. Alex snarks on the depressing preparations and gets uninvited from the party by Tricia. Boo, on the other hand, approves of the snarkage.

Boo steps up to Tricia for a little psychological warfare, telling her that Mercy’s going to dump her the second she’s out. Wow, Boo fights rough and gets deep under Tricia’s skin, convincing her that Mercy is a serial dumper and insulting Tricia’s looks, intelligence, and ancestry in a few neat strokes.

Prison Yard!

Chapman tries to get back to electrical shop, but there are guards conducting frisks between her and it. And that IS a screwdriver in her pocket, and no, she is not glad to see them. And, just to make Chapman’s day perfect, Crazy Eyes shows up too, alternately threatening Chapman and trying to wheedle her back. Ah, who among us has not had a version of Crazy Eyes in her life? (If you’re nodding to that last sentence but wondering why it’s in the past tense, stand up right now and move to another state. You can sort things out later. It’ll be worth it.)

Chapman thinks on her feet and removes herself from both situations by thanking Healy, which is something that has not happened to him since he got this job and so completely flummoxes him. It also helps that Chapman is acting like she’s been shocked by that lamp a few too many times. And she does not make it to the electrical shop.

Dorm!

Chapman hastily hides the screwdriver in her bunk and is confronted by Boo and a bunch of other women. Tricia has been talking, and now everyone wants Chapman the reader girl to help with their appeal letters. Boo flops down on the bunk and totally Princess and the Peas the screwdriver while Chapman is distracted.

Claudette clears everybody out and Chapman lies that the screwdriver is all taken care of. Learning curve, Chapman. LEARNING CURVE!

Library!

Taystee stops another inmate from standing on Goblet of Fire in order to reach a high shelf, saying “Don’t be fucking with Harry Potter!” That whooshing sound you heard was Taystee’s immediate ascent to the top of Heather Hogan‘s Favorite Inmate list.

Alex is reading in the floor and Nichols (Hi, Nichols!) stops by for a chat. Nichols says she’s died thrice and God loves her. They talk about college. Alex hung around campus, but wasn’t actually enrolled. Nichols asks if that’s where she met Chapman and inquires about all the drama. Alex isn’t spilling.

Nichols has two years out of five to go. Alex has a lot. She gets sad and Nichols comforts her. This is either going to get really awkward for everyone or really awesome for us. Maybe both.

Dorm!

Chapman goes over Trish’s appeal. She may be able to help, at least with writing a good letter. Claudette suggests staying out of other people’s affairs because “hope is a dangerous thing.” Dang, Miss Claudette.

Caputo’s office!

As you might expect, Caputo is extremely pissed that the screwdriver is not found. Caputo reminds the guards that a screwdriver can puncture a lung, and that corrections officers are high on the Most Likely To Be Punctured List. Mustache Mendez smirks during much of this your-life-is-in-danger lecture, so he’s not just a dick to the inmates. He appears to suffer from congenital dickishness.

Dorm!

Chapman and Claudette’s cell gets tossed again. Chapman admits to Claudette that she lied and didn’t get the screwdriver back to the shop. …But their cell is clean and the screwdriver is not under the mattress anymore. Problem solved, right? Claudette is pissed that Chapman lied to her. Chapman wants some slack. She’s had a rough couple of weeks, she thinks she’s suffering from short-term memory loss, and people keep calling her <b>Taylor Swift</b>. Miss Claudette softens up one nanobit.

Claudette flashback!

Claudette asks one of her adolescent girls why she won’t shower and discovers that she’s been horribly bruised by one of their cleaning clients.

Dorm!

Boo definitely has the screwdriver. That would be the same Boo who has a history of inciting fights to get other people in trouble. Uh-oh.

Rec room!

Taystee does some spoken-word poetry in Mercy’s honor. It’s a hit and the goodbye party is underway. Trish calls Alex on showing up when she’s not invited. Alex says she’s just cooking noodles and another inmate totally calls her on it. But she also whispers “High school is high school” in a comforting way. Aww, I’m glad Alex is starting to make a few friends. Even if she is a manipulative drug runner girlfriend.

Trish asks Mercy to wait for her on the outside, and Mercy confirms that she’s Tricia’s girl. They start to make out right in front of Boo.

Red swings in for a quick rescue, telling Boo, “Plenty of other pussy in here. Let it go.” I love Red. And, seriously, we all need that saying embroidered on a throw pillow sometimes. Or perhaps delicately tattooed on another woman’s forehead.

Tricia may need that too-she watches nervously as Mercy dances with Taystee.

Hallway!

Chapman runs into Nichols (Hi, Nichols!) and asks what Alex said about her. “She said you were a squirter,” Nichols grins. Chapman nearly ignites from embarrassment and says “Once! It happened once and it took us both by surprise!” POKER FACE, CHAPMAN! POKER FACE!

Nichols is delighted to have bluffed out that tasty bit of information. She also wisely dispels the scarier rumors about Claudette, saying she never murdered anybody; she just ran a slavery ring. She’s a good prison friend to have, that Nichols.

Dorm!

Claudette got mail, which never happens. She also sees that Tricia is up to something.

Claudette’s Flashback!

Claudette from CleanMakers shows up as replacement staff at the abusive dirtbag’s house. We see her cleaning up very, very well.

Which she needs to, because she just killed the hell out of that guy.

The way she steps over his body on the way out is awesome. Good little touch, show. Dorm!

Claudette catches Tricia trying to plant drugs in Mercy’s cube to to keep her from getting released. Claudette tells her that love is not an excuse. Just in case you have room for another throw pillow.

Electrical shop!

Luscheck, who knows he’s one of the people going down for this, smuggles a new screwdriver into the electrical shop. He says he found it under the sink.

Chapman knows it’s not the one. And that there’s a loose screwdriver somewhere in the prison.

Dormitory!

Boo has a very personal happy moment. Which turns out to be facilitated by the screwdriver handle and a stuffed rubber glove on the other end and I do not wish to know even one little bit more.

Claudette reads her letter: Baptiste is coming back and his wife is dead. Hmm.

Healy’s office!

Claudette says she’d like to reopen her case for early release after all.

Dorm!

Chapman is finally settling down. And Claudette put her books back on the shelf.

Visiting room!

Boo apologizes to Mercy for being a dick. Mustache won’t let Boo kiss Mercy goodbye, but Tricia kisses Mercy but good anyway. Mercy promises to wait for Tricia.

Everyone is happy and sad. And maybe has a little bit of hope. Claudette watches Mercy go.

Good show! Everybody put your damn tools away. I’ll see you tomorrow as soon as you have your throw pillows done.

(And, yes, I broke down and looked it up. It’s SHU, for Solitary Housing Unit. Now all us nerds can sleep tonight.)

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