“Orange is the New Black” recap (1.3): Lesbian Request Denied

 
 

Kitchen!

Yay, we get some Red. Red’s phallic veggies keep disappearing, along with some more puzzling selections. Sophia is there to ask Red for some help. Red cleaves a cucumber and says, “Sorry. Too soon?”

Red says she’ll hook Sophia up with yams and soy, which could help with her impending hot flashes, but won’t get into estrogen running. She implies that Mustache Mendez could be a route, though a disgusting one.

Sophia Flashback!

Sophia and her son Michael are at a shoe store, trying on some sneakers that sound way too expensive. Sophia fingers her elegant red wallet full of hot credit cards. An old acquaintance of the old Sophia recognizes her and is uncomfortable. Michael storms out, wearing those pricey shoes and leaving Sophia stuck with a $300 tab.

Healy’s office!

Chapman comes in as Healy is online shopping for a new bobblehead dog. Healy’s all pissed off because he’s gotten a request for Chapman and Crazy Eyes to bunk together: “Lesbian request denied,” he snots. He’s entitled to his beliefs, but he works in a women’s prison. He should maybe relax a little.

Chapman denies she had anything to do with the request, and is emphatic about her desire to not room with Crazy Eyes. Healy is glad that Chapman doesn’t want to be bunkmates with Crazy Eyes. “She’s what we call a stud,” says Healy, “Which is very confusing for a nice girl like you.”

Healy I full of this kind of deep knowledge: “Lesbians can be very dangerous. It’s the testosterone.” Hey, Karman, can we get that up across the front of the website as part of the new design?

Flashback!

Post-college Piper is trying to get some table-waiting work. Alex immediately spots both her fake résumé and her Sapphic tendencies. Piper asks the intriguingly bad Alex what she does for a living and Alex replies, “I work for an international drug cartel,” and they both laugh.

Do not have a drug runner girlfriend.

Alex gets Piper her Khakis. Nicky notices

Woods!

Larry and Chapman’s brother Cal are out at Cal’s trailer doing some rural stuff. We learn that there are no conjugal visits in prison, and then Cal and Larry talk way more about masturbation than I ever have or ever will with an in-law. To each his own. Cal tells Larry he can unblock his creativity by “edging,” which is masturbating to the point of orgasm without actually letting it happen. To keep your chi and stuff. I guess Cal has a lot of time to watch Dr. Strangelove.

Cal’s bummed that Piper is in prison because he’s moved up in the ranks of sibling achievement and now Mrs. C. is paying attention to him.

Prison!

Chapman’s commissary money came in! She walks around with treats for everyone who has helped her out before. She’s so happy to have money and flip-flops. You know who else is here? Crazy Eyes. Chapman takes her outside and explains the whole Larry situation again and reiterates that she can’t be betrothed to Crazy Eyes. Crazy Eyes accepts the letdown well and walks away. Probably we’re done with that, right?

Visiting room!

Sophia asks Crystal to sneak in hormones for her, which turns out to be exactly Crystal’s limit in terms of things up with which she will put. Crystal points out that since she’s the only one on the outside to raise their son and s currently working two jobs, maybe adding smuggling estrogen patches into prison to her to-do list is a bit much.

Crystal has an interesting point of view: She actually deals really well with Sophia’s transition. It’s the fact that Sophia stole to get there that Crystal can’t stand. Crystal tells Sophia to focus on getting the hell out of prison to help parent her son, and finishes with “Man up.”  Yeowch.

Dorm!

Whoa, Miss Claudette has some serious clout; she’s having Watson moved elsewhere. Watson calls the guard on taking orders from Miss Claudette, but she gets moved nonetheless.

Janae is no longer Claudetts's roommate

Larry’s place!

Larry puts on some porn and tries to edge. My brother-in-law and I will not be discussing this scene.

Bathroom!

Chapman accuses Alex of ratting her out. Alex denies it, and accuses Chapman of having been a boring girl who wanted to feel special and bad. That hits home – and actually echoes Cal’s assessment of Chapman. Alex is firm on the point that she never ratted out Chapman. And she seems a little heartsore about the breakup. …Or is she just a manipulative drug runner girlfriend?

Dorm!

Diaz’s necklace is caught on something, which means she’s somehow tangled in her shirt with her bra showing. Nice Bennett is on hand to help her out, and he and Diaz share a moment. Is this going to be a nice prison romance, or a creepy one? Can you have a fully consensual relationship when one of you is a prisoner? I’m guessing we’ll be exploring those issues before long.

Bennett helps Dayanra into her clothes

Payphones!

Chapman asks Larry to get the deposition transcripts and see if Alex ratted her out, and does not wish to get into the specifics of why. Speaking of things that are on the edge.

Prison cell!

Chapman has been reassigned… to B Dorm. Her cellmates say that’s “the ghetto,” where all the black inmates are. Chapman’s new roommate is Miss Claudette! That’s supposed to be a scary situation for Chapman, but it feels like multiple bullets dodged. Plus Miss Claudette is so tidy! And also cooking some mysterious brew.

Oh, dear. Sophia walks past the guards’ office just as another inmate has finished blowing Mustache Mendez for drugs. The Devil is out of the bathroom stall and throwing temptations and bad bargains everywhere.

Flashback!

Sophia gets arrested in front of her wife and son. Michael is holding that elegant red wallet. Whoa, did he rat her out, or is he just resentful?

Prison!

Mustache Mendez explicitly propositions Sophia, but she tells him he’s got the wrong girl. Stay strong, Sophia!

Later, we see the worry in Sophia’s eyes as she tweezes a hair from her chin.

Dormitory!

Chapman and Miss Claudette are sleeping peacefully. Looks like everything’s going to be OK! Wait, something’s waking them up.

It’s Crazy Eyes. She’s at the entrance to their cube, peeing on the floor.

Well, I’m certainly up for another episode! Meet you back here tomorrow. And thank you for reading. Please know that I would throw my pie for you.

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