“Orange is the New Black” recap (1.3): Lesbian Request Denied

Med Center!

Sophia comes for her hormones and discovers that her pills have been switched out, and they’re not giving her the dosage she needs. The pharmacist tells her to see her counselor.

Dormitory!

Watson has been assigned to Miss Claudette’s cube. We learned not to mess with Miss Claudette in the first episode, and yet Watson messes with Miss Claudette. She will not be complying with Miss Claudette’s extensive rules about cleanliness, because this is America.

Claudette has rules. Janae does not appreciate them

In line for shoes and tan clothes and things!

Nichols (Hi, Nichols!) tells Chapman that once she gets her new tan jumpsuits, she’ll be one of them. Nichols and Morello playfully chant “One of us! One of us!” Really? Both of these women are fans of Tod Browning’s 1932 classic Freaks? It seems a tad unlikely, but then again Nichols is enhancing the chanting with some grabbing of Morello’s tits, so I think we’ll manage to pull through.

Guess who’s at the shoe window? Yes, it’s Alex! Alex remembers that Chapman takes a 9 ½, but Chapman corrects that she takes size 10. Alex asks, “Did your feet swell when you went back to boys?” I think that’s a burn, but I can’t explain how.

Administrative Hallway!

Healy complains to the Useless Women’s Warden that the prescriptions are getting switched to generics and people are being yanked off their antidepressants and that Sophia is camped out in his office because her hormone dosage has been lowered.

“Why would anyone give up being a man?” asks Useless Uncaring Warden. “It’s like winning the lottery and giving your ticket back.”

Jogging track!

Chapman runs around the fenced-in but really empty track. Whoops, not all that empty – Crazy Eyes has come courting. She recites a poem for Chapman – and, I must say, she really sells it – and offers some dandelions. Chapman mentions her fiancé. Crazy Eyes does not take hints well.

Whoops, they’re closing the jogging track because of budget cuts. They’re closing a ring of gravel? Apparently someone’s just using the excuse of budget cuts to be a jerk.

Healy’s office!

Sophia is not OK with her meds getting reduced. She explains that she no longer has testosterone to make up for the missing estrogen and things are going to get bad real fast. She demands to see a doctor. Healy says you don’t get to see a doctor unless you have an emergency. Sophia takes Healy’s bobblehead Corgi toy off the desk, pulls off its head, swallows it, and reports an emergency. Sophia is a lady and a bad-ass.

Lunch!

Watson, Chapman and friends discuss Miss Claudette. Everyone is sure she killed someone. Also she never has a visitor and doesn’t poop. Well, she does like things tidy.

Even though Chapman was just chatting with a mixed group of prisoners, when it’s time to sit down, they separate by race, so Chapman sits alone. Alex, who is also not great at the hint-taking, sits with her and tries to reestablish communication. Alex’s point is that they’re in prison and will have to deal with each other; Chapman’s is the hell they do.

Crazy Eyes comes in and asks if Alex is bothering Chapman. Chapman, who really should have figured out by now that one does not accept favors from a potential prison romance unless one is truly available, says that yes, indeed, Alex is bothering her.

Crazy Eyes loses it on Alex

Crazy Eyes goes Crazy Everything, yelling at Alex to back off, hitting herself in the head, and claiming Chapman as her wife. Then, to fully make her point, she whips her dessert at Alex. My friends had better start wearing more plastic, because that is totally how I will be punctuating my firmer statements from now on.

Chapman thanks Crazy Eyes for the assist, but says she’s not her wife. Crazy Eyes ends the discussion with “I threw my pie for you.” She has a point.

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