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“Orange is the New Black” recap (1.3): Lesbian Request Denied

Flashback!

A Bad Fireman seems to be working in some identity theft in between the chopping doors down and rescuing people.

Whoa! Bad fireman likes women’s underwear. When we flash forward, we see that it’s Sophia and she looks damn good.

Images Courtesy of Netflix. Photo by Barbara Nitke.

Prison!

Dickhead Mustache Guard openly tries to watch Chapman change clothes. Ew. As we get some Very Personal Roommate Grooming Moments, Nichols (Hi, Nichols!) tells Chapman to finally change her panties already, because they must be getting ripe. Nichols refers to Dickhead Mustache Guard as “Pornstache.” She’s really quite creative and perceptive for a junkie.

Diaz has been assigned to a dorms (and a cube), but not Chapman. The other inmates explain that she’ll be going to “Spanish Harlem,” but Chapman will probably go to an all-white section. Is it really helpful for prisons to do that? Chapman’s worried about where she’ll get assigned, and Nichols correctly deduces that she’s a wee bit worried about ending up near Alex. See?

Bathroom!

Chapman goes to pee and gets some good advice on shoes and hair and when to shower without a line from Sophia, who is rocking some homemade duct-tape flip flops. Chapman doesn’t want to use the doorless stall, but there’s another woman in the one with the door and she may be a while because she’s talking to the Devil. It’s like that old saying: When you sup with the Devil, bring a long spoon. And also some lozenges, because you’ll be chatting til dawn.

Chapman finally gives up and pees door-free and Crazy Eyes comes in and stares at her flirtily. Ladies, I know we’re always saying here on AfterEllen that you need to be bolder with your flirting, but I’m pretty sure that most of our site’s writers will agree with me when I tell you that that’s a little too bold. OK, maybe not Dara.

Oh, look! This episode is directed by <b>Jodie Foster</b>! (Hi, Foster!)

Dormitory!

Bennett the nice guard and Dickhead Mustache Guard discuss the inmates’ bodies from the staff office. I finally get enough of a look at Pornstache’s name to see that it’s Mendez. Mendez is a jerk to Sophia. He offers her some of his breakfast sandwich, then says she can suck some sandwich out of his dick. Sophia, all class, demurely says she doesn’t take sausage on her breakfast sandwich. Mendez becomes extra-jerky.

Oh, man. Even nice Bennett is a jerk about Sophia being trans. We learn that Bennett was in Afghanistan and, yes, is a newer guard than Mendez.

Mustache Mendez thinks all the women prisoners want a piece of him. He’s aware that they hate him, but thinks they want him because they’re all trapped together with a bunch of girls and because of his manly muskiness. Bennett, wide-eyed, asks Mendez if he would really sleep with an inmate. Mendez says no, but leans over and whispers. “Some of these bitches would suck it for half a cigarette.”

Med Center!

Sophia comes for her hormones and discovers that her pills have been switched out, and they’re not giving her the dosage she needs. The pharmacist tells her to see her counselor.

Dormitory!

Watson has been assigned to Miss Claudette’s cube. We learned not to mess with Miss Claudette in the first episode, and yet Watson messes with Miss Claudette. She will not be complying with Miss Claudette’s extensive rules about cleanliness, because this is America.

In line for shoes and tan clothes and things!

Nichols (Hi, Nichols!) tells Chapman that once she gets her new tan jumpsuits, she’ll be one of them. Nichols and Morello playfully chant “One of us! One of us!” Really? Both of these women are fans of Tod Browning‘s 1932 classic Freaks? It seems a tad unlikely, but then again Nichols is enhancing the chanting with some grabbing of Morello’s tits, so I think we’ll manage to pull through.

Guess who’s at the shoe window? Yes, it’s Alex! Alex remembers that Chapman takes a 9 ½, but Chapman corrects that she takes size 10. Alex asks, “Did your feet swell when you went back to boys?” I think that’s a burn, but I can’t explain how.

Administrative Hallway!

Healy complains to the Useless Women’s Warden that the prescriptions are getting switched to generics and people are being yanked off their antidepressants and that Sophia is camped out in his office because her hormone dosage has been lowered.

“Why would anyone give up being a man?” asks Useless Uncaring Warden. “It’s like winning the lottery and giving your ticket back.”

Jogging track!

Chapman runs around the fenced-in but really empty track. Whoops, not all that empty — Crazy Eyes has come courting. She recites a poem for Chapman — and, I must say, she really sells it — and offers some dandelions. Chapman mentions her fiancé. Crazy Eyes does not take hints well.

Whoops, they’re closing the jogging track because of budget cuts. They’re closing a ring of gravel? Apparently someone’s just using the excuse of budget cuts to be a jerk.

Healy’s office!

Sophia is not OK with her meds getting reduced. She explains that she no longer has testosterone to make up for the missing estrogen and things are going to get bad real fast. She demands to see a doctor. Healy says you don’t get to see a doctor unless you have an emergency. Sophia takes Healy’s bobblehead Corgi toy off the desk, pulls off its head, swallows it, and reports an emergency. Sophia is a lady and a bad-ass.

Lunch!

Watson, Chapman and friends discuss Miss Claudette. Everyone is sure she killed someone. Also she never has a visitor and doesn’t poop. Well, she does like things tidy.

Even though Chapman was just chatting with a mixed group of prisoners, when it’s time to sit down, they separate by race, so Chapman sits alone. Alex, who is also not great at the hint-taking, sits with her and tries to reestablish communication. Alex’s point is that they’re in prison and will have to deal with each other; Chapman’s is the hell they do.

Crazy Eyes comes in and asks if Alex is bothering Chapman. Chapman, who really should have figured out by now that one does not accept favors from a potential prison romance unless one is truly available, says that yes, indeed, Alex is bothering her.

Crazy Eyes goes Crazy Everything, yelling at Alex to back off, hitting herself in the head, and claiming Chapman as her wife. Then, to fully make her point, she whips her dessert at Alex. My friends had better start wearing more plastic, because that is totally how I will be punctuating my firmer statements from now on.

Chapman thanks Crazy Eyes for the assist, but says she’s not her wife. Crazy Eyes ends the discussion with “I threw my pie for you.” She has a point.

Doctor’s office!

Doctor Brooks checks out Sophia’s X-ray and says the dog’s head will pass on its own. She also puts Sophia on suicide watch because, you know, swallowing things.

Sophia gets to the real reason she’s here, which is to get back to her old dosage, but Dr. Brooks balks. They’re taking Sophia off hormones until they make sure she doesn’t have liver damage, which could be months. Uh-oh.

Sophia Flashback!

Sophia’s wife, Crystal, helps her work out to dress well for her figure. With a little help, Sophia looks good. Crystal is obviously an understanding woman, but asks Sophia to please keep her penis. The two of them kiss, which is a bad time for their son to walk in. He slams out.

Phone time!

We learn that Larry is taking every other week off from Visiting Day so he can have a life. Which means Chapman’s going to be having a visit from her brittle mom without backup. Bring Crazy Eyes!

Chapman has Larry describe their hilariously yuppie-ass Whole Foods groceries… Slowly. Larry tries to segue into phone sex, which isn’t happening. Chapman explains that there’s always a guard listening in and that there’s a woman sobbing next to her in the grimy hallway and Larry is all “What’s your point?”

Dormitory!

Diaz’s new roommate, who’s so pregnant she should just have orderlies following her around, doesn’t want Diaz to put art up on the walls of their cube. She calls over Nice Bennett, who says he likes it and the art stays. Diaz and Bennett have another moment. Pregnant roomie is not nice about it, which is kind of a bad idea, given the fact that Diaz will probably be helping her deliver in about ten minutes.

Visiting room!

Chapman’s friend and soap business partner Polly came along with Mom. Mom is not adjusting well to the whole prison thing and reminds Chapman that her eggs aren’t getting any more fertile. Thanks, Mrs. Chapman!

Mrs. C. goes off to get some snacks and Chapman takes the opportunity to explain Crazy Eyes. Polly isn’t that sympathetic — she’s nearly as pregnant as Diaz’s roommate, and apparently Piper was supposed to be there for Lamaze classes.

Also it looks like Polly is whiffing on some business decisions, but both she and Mrs. C. give Chapman looks that say “Your input would be so very welcome if you were not in prison. But you are, so suck it up.”

Kitchen!

Yay, we get some Red. Red’s phallic veggies keep disappearing, along with some more puzzling selections. Sophia is there to ask Red for some help. Red cleaves a cucumber and says, “Sorry. Too soon?”

Red says she’ll hook Sophia up with yams and soy, which could help with her impending hot flashes, but won’t get into estrogen running. She implies that Mustache Mendez could be a route, though a disgusting one.

Sophia Flashback!

Sophia and her son Michael are at a shoe store, trying on some sneakers that sound way too expensive. Sophia fingers her elegant red wallet full of hot credit cards. An old acquaintance of the old Sophia recognizes her and is uncomfortable. Michael storms out, wearing those pricey shoes and leaving Sophia stuck with a $300 tab.

Healy’s office!

Chapman comes in as Healy is online shopping for a new bobblehead dog. Healy’s all pissed off because he’s gotten a request for Chapman and Crazy Eyes to bunk together: “Lesbian request denied,” he snots. He’s entitled to his beliefs, but he works in a women’s prison. He should maybe relax a little.

Chapman denies she had anything to do with the request, and is emphatic about her desire to not room with Crazy Eyes. Healy is glad that Chapman doesn’t want to be bunkmates with Crazy Eyes. “She’s what we call a stud,” says Healy, “Which is very confusing for a nice girl like you.”

Healy I full of this kind of deep knowledge: “Lesbians can be very dangerous. It’s the testosterone.” Hey, Karman, can we get that up across the front of the website as part of the new design?

Flashback!

Post-college Piper is trying to get some table-waiting work. Alex immediately spots both her fake résumé and her Sapphic tendencies. Piper asks the intriguingly bad Alex what she does for a living and Alex replies, “I work for an international drug cartel,” and they both laugh.

Do not have a drug runner girlfriend.

Woods!

Larry and Chapman’s brother Cal are out at Cal’s trailer doing some rural stuff. We learn that there are no conjugal visits in prison, and then Cal and Larry talk way more about masturbation than I ever have or ever will with an in-law. To each his own. Cal tells Larry he can unblock his creativity by “edging,” which is masturbating to the point of orgasm without actually letting it happen. To keep your chi and stuff. I guess Cal has a lot of time to watch Dr. Strangelove.

Cal’s bummed that Piper is in prison because he’s moved up in the ranks of sibling achievement and now Mrs. C. is paying attention to him.

Prison!

Chapman’s commissary money came in! She walks around with treats for everyone who has helped her out before. She’s so happy to have money and flip-flops. You know who else is here? Crazy Eyes. Chapman takes her outside and explains the whole Larry situation again and reiterates that she can’t be betrothed to Crazy Eyes. Crazy Eyes accepts the letdown well and walks away. Probably we’re done with that, right?

Visiting room!

Sophia asks Crystal to sneak in hormones for her, which turns out to be exactly Crystal’s limit in terms of things up with which she will put. Crystal points out that since she’s the only one on the outside to raise their son and s currently working two jobs, maybe adding smuggling estrogen patches into prison to her to-do list is a bit much.

Crystal has an interesting point of view: She actually deals really well with Sophia’s transition. It’s the fact that Sophia stole to get there that Crystal can’t stand. Crystal tells Sophia to focus on getting the hell out of prison to help parent her son, and finishes with “Man up.” Yeowch.

Dorm!

Whoa, Miss Claudette has some serious clout; she’s having Watson moved elsewhere. Watson calls the guard on taking orders from Miss Claudette, but she gets moved nonetheless.

Larry’s place!

Larry puts on some porn and tries to edge. My brother-in-law and I will not be discussing this scene.

Bathroom!

Chapman accuses Alex of ratting her out. Alex denies it, and accuses Chapman of having been a boring girl who wanted to feel special and bad. That hits home — and actually echoes Cal’s assessment of Chapman. Alex is firm on the point that she never ratted out Chapman. And she seems a little heartsore about the breakup. …Or is she just a manipulative drug runner girlfriend?

Dorm!

Diaz’s necklace is caught on something, which means she’s somehow tangled in her shirt with her bra showing. Nice Bennett is on hand to help her out, and he and Diaz share a moment. Is this going to be a nice prison romance, or a creepy one? Can you have a fully consensual relationship when one of you is a prisoner? I’m guessing we’ll be exploring those issues before long.

Payphones!

Chapman asks Larry to get the deposition transcripts and see if Alex ratted her out, and does not wish to get into the specifics of why. Speaking of things that are on the edge.

Prison cell!

Chapman has been reassigned… to B Dorm. Her cellmates say that’s “the ghetto,” where all the black inmates are. Chapman’s new roommate is Miss Claudette! That’s supposed to be a scary situation for Chapman, but it feels like multiple bullets dodged. Plus Miss Claudette is so tidy! And also cooking some mysterious brew.

Oh, dear. Sophia walks past the guards’ office just as another inmate has finished blowing Mustache Mendez for drugs. The Devil is out of the bathroom stall and throwing temptations and bad bargains everywhere.

Flashback!

Sophia gets arrested in front of her wife and son. Michael is holding that elegant red wallet. Whoa, did he rat her out, or is he just resentful?

Prison!

Mustache Mendez explicitly propositions Sophia, but she tells him he’s got the wrong girl. Stay strong, Sophia!

Later, we see the worry in Sophia’s eyes as she tweezes a hair from her chin.

Dormitory!

Chapman and Miss Claudette are sleeping peacefully. Looks like everything’s going to be OK! Wait, something’s waking them up.

It’s Crazy Eyes. She’s at the entrance to their cube, peeing on the floor.

Well, I’m certainly up for another episode! Meet you back here tomorrow. And thank you for reading. Please know that I would throw my pie for you.

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