“Orange is the New Black” recap (1.2): “Tit Punch”

 
 

Red’s Flashback!

Red is powerwalking with the flashy wealthy Russian ladies. She’s trying too hard to impress them and picks the wrong jokes. They mean girl her and say their group walk is over, then totally regroup and walk together once they’ve scraped Red off. Red fights between knowing she’s not in the group and hoping like hell that she could be. Good lord, Kate Mulgrew is terrific in this. Are you watching? You need to be watching.

Kitchen!

Nobody turned Betty the Freezer off (Can I have the nickname “The Freezer,” or is it taken?) before the repairman started to work on it and he’s furious because he’s just gotten a shock and is yelling because someone’s an idiot. Suddenly Red is right back where she was for an instant – scared of looking foolish. She recovers by charging off to find Healy and walks straight into the men’s room, where Healy is having a private moment in the stall. Bennet the nice guard is ineffective at stopping her. Red demands a new freezer, Healy pleads budget woes, and Red threatens to walk out and stop running the kitchen. Red insults Healy’s gastrointestinal health on the way out, and Not-Nice Phone Guy takes the chance to insult her food. She shoots back, but we see a flash of Scared Red again.

Flashback!

Piper and her friend Polly make artisanal soaps together. Microsoft Word does not recognize “artisanal” as a real word. Good. Piper notes that you could sell these nifty, great-smelling soaps! A business is born!

Commissary line!

Chapman is in line with Nichols. (Hi, Nichols!) Chapman is still the talk of the prison for her freakout, and Nichols totally nails Chapman on her “dyke drama” with Alex. Damn, Nichols. Mighty fine gaydar indeed. Chapman’s money hasn’t cleared yet. Nichols won’t buy Chapman food, but she can get her a strainer. Well, at least a cup. The commissary does not have shea butter or cocoa butter.

Hair salon!

Taystee is getting the fight damage to her weave repaired by Sophia. Sophia has cocoa butter, but won’t give Chapman any on credit. She demands shower caps or a round brush. Chapman trades a few locks of her hair to Taystee, who comes dancing out with a new, lovely weave with some blonde strands wound into it.

oitnb_SalonImage Courtesy of Netflix. Photo by Barbara Nitke.

Kitchen!

Red’s main minion tells her that Chapman is going around looking for weird stuff like hot peppers. Red isn’t worried. Crazy Eyes overhears. There is an announcement that Good Luck Chuck, which stars Dane Cook and which Roger Ebert gave one star, will be playing tonight. Yet another reason to not have a drug runner girlfriend.

Chapman’s cell!

Crazy eyes – comes in and introduces herself as Sue. She asks Chapman if she needs hot peppers – she has some that an old girlfriend left behind. Aww, Sue doesn’t want a trade. She says she just knows what it’s like to be new and doesn’t want Chapman to feel alone.

Flashback!

Larry loves the Master Cleanse and Piper is wavering and wants to cut it short. …And by “wavering,” I mean “has already totally bailed,” because Larry’s newly heightened starvation senses detect pork rinds on her breath. They hungry-kiss a whole bunch.

Chapman’s cell!

Chapman cries openly on her bunk. Dickhead Mustache Guard drops by to be a dickhead. He mocks Chapman for crying and tells her that dinner is in five minutes. Again, he knows she’s being starved. Well, the joke’s on him. Chapman is actually crying because she’s chewing hot peppers so she can spit the juice out and strain it through a pair of (clean) underpants and into her cup of cocoa butter. Red has been holding her bad back throughout the episode, so we’re all way ahead of what’s going on, but it’s still a pretty cool way of tying things up.

Dining hall!

A huge feast is happening thanks to Betty the Freezer’s demise. (How is it that The Freezer would make such a good nickname, but The Crisper would be the worst?) Alex passes Chapman a hunk of cornbread, not unnoticed by a member of the kitchen staff. Uh-oh. At least Chapman seems to have fully learned her lesson about having a drug runner girlfriend: She stoically throws the cornbread out.

Red’s flashback!

The Mean Rich Russian ladies who told Red they wouldn’t be group walking that day totally are, all together with hand weights and glamour hair. For a moment, Red hides and watches, and then a bad-ass is born. Red walks right up to them to confront them on being mean snobs. The lead Mean Girl snobs Red, which is the last time anyone will do that ever; Red punches Mean Girl in the chest so hard she ruins her boob job. Well, half of it, anyway. Oh, dear. Back at the restaurant, Red’s husband is freaking because the Mean Girl’s powerful, extremely mean husband is extorting $60,000 to pay for the ruined implant. That’s some pricey saline. Red and hubby are panicking about how they’re going to pay up.

Red’s prison lair!

Chapman comes in with her bartered, hand-and-mouth-crafted lotion. The capsaicin from the peppers will soothe Red’s back with heat. She leaves her gift and is dismissed by Red’s underling.

Count time!

Diaz exchanges significant looks with Bennett and pulls back a blanket to find a stick of gum in her bunk. Aww. Larry looks at a happy photo of him and Chapman and is sad. Then he turns on Mad Men. Prick. Careful, Larry. That kind of jerk behavior just might make some members of the viewing audience root for Chapman to have lesbian sex.

Breakfast!

Morello brings Chapman a Red-approved tray of delicious food. Her public scrambling and bartering reinforced Red’s power, so she’s allowed to eat again. But now Alex is getting starved out.

Piper and Larry reunite under Thompson's watchImage Courtesy of Netflix. Photo by Barbara Nitke.

Red’s Flashback!

Some extremely scary men are depositing something we don’t want to know about in Red’s restaurant freezer. Payback. Yikes.

Prison movie night!

Everyone but Chapman is laughing uproariously at Good Luck Chuck.  Chapman can’t hear the sound because she doesn’t have the special headphones. I think Chapman has the better end of the deal, but for some reason it seems to make her sad. Crazy Eyes comes over to sit beside Chapman and offers one of her earbuds. …And then she cops a huge feel of Chapman’s leg and holds her hand.

oitnb_FeelcopImage Courtesy of Netflix. Photo by Barbara Nitke.

Wow, hell of an episode, huh? Very well acted and put together! I’ll see you all tomorrow for the next one. Now march your yuppie asses out of my kitchen.

oitnb_YuppieAssesImage Courtesy of Netflix. Photo by Barbara Nitke.

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