“Orange is the New Black” recap (1.13): Can’t Fix Crazy



Red sadly microwaves a noodle cup. It brings her no joy. She goes to the dining hall and the staffers starve her out. Mendoza is in control.

oitnb_Sad Red


Chapman tells Larry that she got the marriage form and P.S. someone is trying to kill her. Way to bury the lede, Chapman. Larry responds with “Someone else is trying to kill you?” which she maybe deserves a little bit. Whoa — what she doesn’t deserve is Larry saying that she just needs the drama. He also tells her he met Alex.Chapman lies that everything Alex says is a lie. Too late. Larry uses Alex’s phrasing to say he needs to let go. Larry hangs up. Chapman is alone.


Chapman runs to Alex — that thing she was specifically told not to do — just as Nichols and Alex are happily recomposing themselves. Alex isn’t having it.

oitnb_Alex Nichols

Christmas pageant!

Nice Fischer is there in a nice sweater. Aww. That is some serious post-strangulation Yuletide spirit. Chapman ghosts in. She’s always been terrified of being alone. Time to face that fear.

Figueroa moves over to chat with Healy. She’s not real warm. She says that if Healy ever calls a family member with his lesbian witch hunt crap again she will destroy him. So at least it’s a happy holiday for some of us.

Oh, sad. Caputo gives Nice Fischer some flowers. She thanks him and introduces her handsome boyfriend. Good for you, Fischer. Time for the show!

The crowd is enthusiastic. Pousséy, Cindy and Taystee start off with some lovely harmonizing. Pousséy, instead of stopping, launches into “Amazing Grace,” and the other two go with it. Well sung, Pousséy. We watch Chapman watching for a moment.

Morello is playing the Virgin Mary. Donkey Boo catches her eye and shows off some lovely magenta socks and whispers a thank you. Morello launches into her speech — Mary isn’t feeling very well — and we see that Doggett is the angel, just like she wanted. Mama Rosa plays Joseph. She ask Mary to lie down in the straw and the crowd hoots until they’re shushed by Bell.

We’re in the final carol and Crazy Eyes steps forward for a solo and freezes. Cindy plays her intro a few times, but Crazy Eyes can’t do it. Someone starts singing her part in a clear, high voice… It’s No-Longer-Silent Norma! Aww, Crazy Eyes, starts to hit herself a little, but the chorus gets her to stop. Then they move Norma to the front to finish her solo. Chapman appears to be seeing the light. Or something. She leaves the chapel and Doggett leaves the stage to follow her.

Prison yard!

Chapman has no time for this. But it looks like she has to make time, because Doggett has a sharpened wooden cross, just like a crazy Fundamentalist meth-head vampire hunter. Healy opens the back door to the yard just as Doggett takes her first swing at Chapman.

oitnb_Doggett Chapman fight

Chapman calls for help and gets nothing: Healy sees what’s happening and goes right back inside. Chapman pulls out her screwdriver, so now they’re tiny-fencing with their close-range weapons. Doggett cuts Chapman’s hand and the screwdriver hits the ground. Doggett rights the cross in her grip and calls Chapman a she-devil. Then she moves in for the kill.

Chapman kicks Doggett square in the crotch and beats the holly jolly hell out of her, just like her friends told her to. Christmas music swells, and we’re out.

Quite a series! Why can’t Season 2 be here now?!

Thanks for reading! Having you here made it feel like Christmas in July. And I’d still throw my pie for you any day of the week.

Pages: 1 2 3 4

Tags: , ,