Chapman is in such deep denial she needs scuba gear. She theorizes that maybe Doggett is just trying to “engage with her.” You know, make an intellectual connection and get her to go to Bible study. Watson, Pousséy, Cindy, and Taystee all disagree. They give Chapman fighting tips, largely based on opening shots to the ladybits and then lots of pummelling. To each her kung fu style.
Chapman still thinks she can come up with a creative solution. What does Doggett really need? The whole table shouts “New teeth!”
Bennett catches Diaz while she’s cleaning up and breaks the news that Mustache is completely in love with her. Which leads Bennett to believe that the sex must have been pretty great. He says he can barely look at Diaz.
Oh, the tangled webs the Planning Twins are weaving. Diaz suggests getting a paternity test to prove the baby doesn’t belong to Mustache and then having Cesar pick it up from the hospital (Remember awesome, drug-dealing Cesar? The one who slept with both mother and daughter?) and bring it to Bennett. Bennett declares that the whole plan was a bad idea (He’s learning!) and says he can’t do this.
Morello won’t say who her Secret Santa giftee is. Boo has figured it out pretty easily, since Morello has been asking Boo about her favorite color and whether her feet get cold. Do not crush Morello’s childlike joy, Boo, or we will have words. Oh, too late. Morello shouts that she is definitely not going to be making Boo something magenta to keep her feet warm and flounces out.
Boo begs Nichols (Hi, Nichols!) to start banging Morello again. Nichols says you only get one chance to break her heart. Throw pillow! She also suggests that Alex remember that piece of information. Hmm… Nichols says she has mastered the art of shutting people off. Alex, not so much. Nichols suggests a prayer for Chapman’s future unattractiveness. Done.
Sophia shows Sister Ingalls a Christmas card from her son. Michael still won’t talk to her, but he did sign and send the card. It’s something.
Crazy Eyes asks if the Sister is sure about the part she’s been cast in. Yes! They believe in her and her resonant voice. Crazy Eyes has renewed confidence and says she will just put the past behind her. No way “that” could happen again. Sophia and Sister Ingalls exchange worried looks while I try to wrangle front-row seats for this thing.
Larry is here to see Alex. He remarks on the fact that she’s tall. Good start, Larry! Larry awkwards for a moment while all the feelings about seeing his wife’s lesbian lover percolate up, and then Alex sarcasms him into anger. He asks how many times she’ll be ruining Chapman’s life and demands that she end it. Alex says no problem, Chapman is all his. Larry doesn’t believe Alex will let go so easily after “working over” Chapman for so long… So Alex lets him know that Chapman was the aggressor. Whoops, looks like that was a new piece of information. Learn to let a conversation drop, Larry.
But whatever, Alex says she’s done, so enjoy the ride. Alex empathizes that Chapman is hot and way fun in bed, but warns Larry that she’s seriously messed up, and he should get clearer on that. She’s not wrong.
Oh, no. Doggett’s little band of creeps are skulking through the showers. Doggett pulls Chapman’s curtain open. Pro tip: If someone is threatening to kill you, it might be a good time to start showering during peak hours. Taystee tries to come in and gets blocked by one of the creepies, but she sees that Doggett is after Chapman. Doggett has a razor blade melted into a plastic handle, just like we saw at orientation. (Thanks, Mustache!) Doggett cuts her own palm and smears the blood all over Chapman. Eeeeew.
A CO comes in and tosses out Doggett and her friends… For now. Doggett says next time she’ll get more creative.
Taystee comes back to check on Chapman. Chapman says she’s not equipped to deal and has to tell someone. Taystee tells Chapman to stop being such a bitch-ass bitch and take out tiny little Doggett, already. She also helpfully points out some blood on Chapman’s nipple that she missed.
Taystee sleeps. Chapman can’t.
Oh, Shesus, Red is breaking in during the dead of night. She pours something into the fryers, salts the rice, and pours yet another substance that looks like oil into the oven. But it can’t be oil because that’s freaking insane.
Murphy turns on the ovens. Norma grabs spuds. Diaz and two of the other girls practice a dance routine. Bennett yells at them to get back to work. Flaca says in Spanish that Diaz needs to tell her boyfriend to lighten up. Diaz says in English that he’s not her boyfriend. That’s getting closer to being true.
Oh, no! Murphy opens the oven and gets hit with a fireball. Bennett grabs Diaz and Flaca runs over with an extinguisher. Bennett holds Diaz to protect her. Which is sweet, but for crying out loud, Bennett, Diaz is off to the side and Murphy is on fire.
Later, Luschek diagnoses a grease fire. Caputo is pissed and tells Mendoza to clean those ovens better. Mendoza knows damn well she had the ovens clean.
Bennett checks in on Diaz and gets close to being busted by Caputo. Caputo tells Bennett to get a report from the medic on Murphy’s injuries, and by the way, where the hell is their awesome drug bust report? Bennett breaks the news about Figueroa stifling the report. Caputo demands that Bennett bring the report directly to him.
Chapman crashes in her bunk during the daytime. Boo arrives with her Secret Santa gift. It’s the missing screwdriver! All I want for Christmas is for that screwdriver to have been thoroughly washed. Chapman hides the screwdriver in her shirt.
A tearful Silent Norma confronts Red by tearing up her name. Red says she never meant to hurt anyone, especially Murphy. Norma isn’t having it. She storms away, leaving Red in tears.
Nichols (Hi, Nichols!) comes into Alex’s cube with a big travel vision board for Morello. It says “Just Married,” and Nichols is the groom in the wedding drawing. Nichols swears that part is a joke, but no one believes that. Alex is making earrings for Nichols. She admits that they suck and hopes Nichols would like something less crafty. Nichols, in turn, admits that a boy should be on the vision board for Morello.
Nichols knows what she wants for Christmas: Alex’s thigh. Alex decides to really get into the holiday spirit and puts Nichols’ hand straight into her khakis. Nichols uses the ironically named vision board to block the view of the guard. And us. Piss off, board. Alex and Nichols grin at each other.