“Orange is the New Black” recap (1.13): Can’t Fix Crazy


Someone Else herself walks in to find Chapman and have a Big Future Talk. Chapman announces her impending marriage. Again. Dating Chapman must be exhausting.

Chapman elaborates that she picks Larry. She loves Alex too, but doesn’t have the courage to “freefall through life” with her.

Alex announces the new breakup rules: No running to her with love, sadness, needs, problems, or even nonstandard laundry ever again. Chapman watches Alex go.

Parking lot!

Mustache is there to get his paycheck. He asks Bennett how “his girl” is doing. Oh, no. Mustache thinks he’s found the perfect woman: Sexy, but could still be a mom. He’s imagining family-type scenarios and true love. How’s your day going, Bennett?

Mustache asks for more info on Diaz takes off without getting his paycheck. The hell?

oitnb_Mustache Bennett

Dining hall!

Doggett and clan are eating. Doggett can’t concentrate on learning her Pageant lines because Chapman is still alive. She’s also received some Divine Guidance that tells her murdering Chapman is totes OK! Even holy!

We learn that Doggett’s minion is named Leanne, and that she was a Girl Scout, and that she is on probation for doubting last episode. Doggett openly plots to murder Chapman. The others don’t seem enthused, but they sure aren’t reporting anything.

Doggett notes that the eggs are really spicy.

Nichols (Hiiii, Nichols!) is working up a Secret Santa list with Boo and Morello. Alex is definitely in. Chapman, maybe not. Boo says Chapman and Alex aren’t really family. Morello says it would be nice to add them in, now that Mercy and Tricia are gone. After a moment of sad, they’re in.

Boo wants Morello’s eggs, but Morello isn’t sharing — the eggs are amazing. Nichols demands they report that breakfast was a mess out of loyalty to Red. Yeah, but can they still get those eggs when she comes back?

Figueroa’s office!

Figueroa would like to discuss Larry’s radio appearance. Specifically, the facts she thinks Larry got wrong. She hands Chapman a list of corrections for any future radio appearances. Chapman takes the opportunity to drive a shiv straight into Healy’s back. She mentions the trouble Healy caused her with his “misinformation,” and asks for the marriage request form and an approval from Figueroa. Then she’ll be happy to pass those corrections right along.


Diaz says making tamales together feels like Christmas. The new kitchen team compares pervy family members and razz Diaz for not speaking Spanish.

Nichols shouts “Immigration!” as a joke as she walks in. Just in case you thought you could stop being uncomfortable for 10 minutes. Nichols is looking for Murphy and Norma, who have been busted down to unloading boxes. She has them pick for Secret Santa. Murphy tells Nichols that Red won’t leave her cube and is in a very bad way.

CO office!

The guards are reading the prisoners’ mail. Diaz got a hot, naked letter signed by “Hot 4 U.” Oh, dear. O’Neill expositions that so far Mustache just has a suspension. Bell predicts that Diaz is getting transferred and Mustache will be back.

Whoa! Alex got a letter from Larry. He wants to be on her visitation list. The guards are happily scandalized; they totally know about Alex and Chapman. Well, not the breakup part.


Red doesn’t want to be a part of Secret Santa this year. She asks about breakfast. Nichols gives a tough review, but doesn’t call it a disaster like Red hopes. Red’s upset, but Nichols says she’s “tougher than woodpecker lips” and will come around. Nichols hands a Secret Santa slip to Red, but she’s still clearly worried about her.

Night count!

Hey, Taystee is Chapman’s new bunkmate! And she already knows about the breakup with Alex. Taystee would like to know if Alex is mad enough to leave a dead rat on Chapman’s locker, on account of there is one. There is also a note under it. Taystee hilariously critiques the note’s grammar as she reads it.

oitnb_Taystee Grammar

The note says (incorrectly) that Chapman is going to die, and calls her an “Amalekite.” Taystee calls Black Cindy, who has a lot of churching, over for clarification. Cindy says they were a really evil warrior tribe from the Old Testament, so bad that God told Saul they had to be exterminated — even their farm animals.

Chapman plans to tell the COs because this nonsense is cray, but Taystee and Cindy say the COs will just avoid trouble by putting her away for her own safety. Cindy says Chapman has to take care of it herself and kill Doggett.

Red is talking to Murphy and Norma — apparently Mendoza is making such tasty breakfasts because she’s cheerfully burning through inventory that has to last them for a long time. Or at least that’s Red’s theory. Red asks Norma and Murphy to speed up the process, overcook, and over-salt, but they’re on the B Team now and can’t help with that. Red tells them to launch a work slowdown and screw up the serving times. Red demands that they mess with the kitchen.


Mendoza warns Norma and Murphy against messing with the kitchen. She’s got four kids and can spot mischief. Mendoza knows that kitchen staff is one of the better jobs — Norma and Murphy can be good, or they can be out on their butts. She advises them not to let Red take them down with her. Poor ladies.

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